Today is 1 year from my first D-day and I am still so incredibly sad. My life partner of 6 years had been lying and cheating throughout our whole relationship seeing on and off over 12 prostitutes that I am aware of. He called me from his last affair partner’s house. I could hear her in the background. He told me he was seeing somebody else and that there was nothing I could do about it. He hung up and blocked me. I was devastated. 4 months later he married her. 2 weeks after the marriage he wanted to leave her and come back. He did and we are trying but I just can’t get anything out of my head. I have found love letters to her and she showered him with gifts which we have either donated or thrown out. When I ask why he took it to the extreme and married her, his answer is I don’t know. He says it meant nothing and that it was maybe a power play. He still to this day cannot give me an answer as to why he married her. It was hard enough to deal with him being with another woman but I can’t seem to shake any of it especially the marriage. Marriage is so sacred to me. I am taking Harboring Hope and he is signing up for Hope for Healing. We have not been able to afford to seek any real therapy with a specialist so we are doing our best with what we have. How can any person not know why they have done something? I believe everyone knows why they do what they do. Does he just not want to tell me? Is he ashamed? I feel so devalued, abandoned & replaceable. How can I even begin to consider forgiveness if I don’t have a true why?