My husband has been in an emotionally entangled affair for 4 years. D-Day was 4 months ago and we've been separated ever since even though we're halfway through EMS Online. He isn't sure if he wants to marriage. Part of it is that he isn't sure if he wants to give up his affair partner but part is because he became so angry and depressed during the affair that he was emotionally and verbally abusive to not just me but our kids. He was physically threatening, raised his voice, punched doors. He has also strangled me on a handful of occasions, though none recent, but it made me anxious that he might genuinely hurt one of the kids. He is upset by his own behavior but isn't sure change is possible so he's staying away from us. I'm setting a hard line. I don't want him back until he can both dump his side chick and be a safe person for me and the kids. I want advice on what to look for when judging whether he's safe enough to move back home. Should I require specific actions like counseling, a batterer intervention program, or leave it to his discretion? I know I want to see consistent maintained change, but for how long? 3 months? Longer? Thanks for helping - it's hard to find resources for situations like this for women who are considering staying. Also, so you don't worry, I've seen a counselor for abuse-related PTSD and I took my kids to a counselor too.