It wasn’t suicidal but it was an intrusive thought telling me to leave my family. I was out on the lake my wife, our kids, and my in-laws. It was like something from the outside was telling me “you don’t want to be here, you know this isn’t really your family. You don’t even like being on the water. Why are you here with these people when you know you want to leave? Just go. Leave them all behind and don’t look back. They’ll be fine and it won’t even matter if you’re not here in their lives.” I asked to feet off the boat and my 3 year old got off with me. We went up to the house and got a snack. Spending that time with him opened my heart and pushed that voice away. It was a troubling experience though. I told my wife about it and we talked for a while.

I have suicidal thoughts often but not strong enough to act on them. The pain and heartache is so great that it feels like it would be better to not wake up than deal with this

This week is the 1 year anniversary of my last D-Day, a culmination of a 38 year marriage with too many of those to mention.I cannot count how many images of ending my life have flashed before my private " inner" eyes. Fortunately on the heals of those thoughts comes the vision of my son telling our grandsons what grandpa did and why they wont being seeing him anymore. That vision snaps me right out of it. Further visions are the way suicide is a cowardly totally self-absorbed act , a product of not moving beyond the shame response. When shame morphs into guilt we can begin to atone, and then move to empathy, but not before.The HFH programs have been more helpful than the thousands of $ I have spent in my life with therapists, and feeling God's love for me through prayer immensely more valuable than all 15 APs but together ( DUH-H).