Don’t beat yourself up. I think there are more of us than willing to admit that have found ourselves snapping and doing crazy. The inside of me is trying to find something familiar, something of comfort. The one man I want to go to to comfort me is well...the one who killed me inside.
I only snap when he gets careless with me. When he goes back to not showing empathy. Or answers me in a derogatory tone. During these times, I try to follow what AR has taught, I let my spouse know how I Hurt, how I feel sad or lonely when he .....fill in the blank. It’s here, in his reply, where we can move “us” forward and heal OR...just experience more damage. When he answers without being thoughtful, just answers in his “old” way that I spiral down. The answer of “ all I said was.... or, I didn’t mean it that way” makes me crazy! Well I need him to “Mean it “ a new way/ purpose it with care and empathy. It’s at those daily multiple interchanges where he has the opportunity to work at Us and be intentional with his answers. And in those times that he does, I slowly start to emerge with hope.
I get knocked down again and tire of the repeated process. BUT. This is the big BUT, as Wayne has taught us, it’s in the repair attempts where we grow and heal. And to use those unfortunate interchanges to utilize the principles to attempt repair. It’s awkward and sometimes I feel foolish in the middle of following a script but my mind is looking for that format and when I use it in the heat of the moment , we do a lot better. My faith has been put to the test. At times my
Prayers sound empty and feel like I’m taking to myself but my God who created me and my husband, hears our prayers and awkward pleas. I’ve prayed for renewal and remaking of me, of my husband and of the new us. I’ve started praying for all us here, now that we share so much in common. And when I pray for all of us in this place , it helps me to take my focus off myself. Know that I am lifting you up in my prayers. We’re a long way off from stabilization but we are getting closer.