3 years since Dday 1, 18 months since Dday 2, 9 months since last disclosure during EMSO. I can't let go of this pain. 20 years of infidelity and deception to work through. I’m seeing my third therapist (not counting AR staff or programs). I feel my 38 year marriage is "dirtied" and that I was not loved enough for him to stay faithful or worthy enough for him to tell me the whole truth in the beginning so I COULD begin to heal. I have been faithful for the entire marriage; he is the only one I’ve been physically intimate with. I "saved" myself in spite of friends doing it. I don't want him to touch me now because I know his arms have been around her, his lips on hers, other body parts have been on her. I feel like he dirties me when he tries to touch me. I cannot seem to forgive and am bitter and resentful and no matter how much I pray or write in my journal asking God to forgive them and me, relief doesn't come. I hurt. I hurt so badly...even after 3 full years of dealing with this. How do I get rid of this feeling of being soiled or dirtied when he touches me? I am pushing him away because of it. It’s been 18 months since I found out it was an emotional AND physical affair, not just the "talking and texting too much" he initially claimed. I am worried that something really bad is wrong with me because I am thinking this way. Can you help? Thanks Rick!