Rick, I am one of your mentors and group leaders. I see both parties, but especially the betrayed struggling with the concept of how pain can be used for good. Having watched my spouse go from being in extreme emotional pain to becoming a healthier person after the fact, I try to express to people that the pain of "mourning" is especially therapeutic because it involves THINKING while feeling and is part of processing, whereas pain without the thinking may end up simply being pain. I try to get them fully engaged in the exercises that bring them back to the pain while actively talk about the cost to them and process how bad it was. Maybe you could talk about what happens when participants dive in and process costs and impacts.

Thank you

Rick mentions Accusatory Suffering in this video.  This type of suffering is mentioned in Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends".