My husband revealed an affair with my best friend prior to our marriage over 20 years ago. It was physical and emotional and neither told me anything nor did I have any idea it had happened. She was in our wedding party and continued to be a very big part of our life. He also had a brief affair with a married women. He was very good a fooling me and all our friends and family, this behavior is so shocking no one knew he was capable of anything like this. We are 1 year from D day and I still feel absolutely destroyed. I feel like our entire marriage had been a lie. He has lied to me every day for 21 years. He knew how I felt about infidelity prior to acting out and he knew without a doubt if I knew I would never have married him so he lied over and over again but never considered not acting out. He took my chance of having a faithful, honest and loving husband from me. Now I feel I have to stay because I have children with him and I took vows therefore this is my reality and I have to make it work. However I feel I truly hate myself and life because of his choices, were it not for the children I would be gone without a doubt. I feel disgusted with myself for staying with someone who clearly never put me first in his life when he pretended so convincing and easily. Will I ever feel okay in my own skin again?