We know it's hard to think straight when your life is in crisis. How could you know what to do with a ruptured relationship if you've never been in this situation before?

Since Affair Recovery was founded, we have helped thousands of couples like you discover newfound hope in their relationships. Small Group participation plays a significant role in that hope and healing.

Many people who have come to our site for help ask about the validity and effectiveness of the group dynamic. You may feel resistant to sharing your situation with perfect strangers, and we understand your hesitation. Our hope is that after reading this article, you'll be able to see how the group approach can be one of the safest and most healing environments you'll ever experience. With small group support, we've seen the pain and mistrust of both couples and individuals be replaced by truth, compassion, and understanding.

What Makes Small Groups Unique & Incredibly Powerful

In couple's therapy, there is always the danger of feeling misunderstood, blamed, or like the therapist is taking sides. Additionally, therapists have the difficult task of helping you understand your biases toward one another, with only your own experience to draw upon. Participating with other couples in a group allows us to see our own flawed thinking without feeling judged, attacked, or marginalized.

One of the most effective tools for accomplishing the goal of recovery is participating with small groups comprised of others dealing with similar issues. The group validates what you're going through, provides hope as you witness healing in other couples, and allows for increased understanding of your mate.

In marriage, we develop a historical lens through which we view our mate. As other couples in the group speak about their issues you see them as they are without the distortion of that historical lens. You more accurately sense what those couples feel. You can relate to them, and believe them. However, when looking at your mate, your perception is clouded by past events. By observing the interactions of the other couples in your group, it becomes easier to see your mate and gain perspective of your current situation.

There's Strength in Numbers

Our culture is far more tolerant of divorce than it is of exploring whether a relationship can be saved. The societal pressure to give up on your union can leave you feeling weak and foolish for even working on your marriage. Participating with others who have made the same decision eliminates that fear and endorses your courageous choice.

As we engage with others battling the same situation, we see that our responses and struggles are not unusual, and we realize we are not alone in this battle. Groups provide a gauge that helps us assess what is a typical response and when we many need additional help.

The group also supplies much needed support as you move forward in recovery. When you are down and discouraged, doubting that this is worth the effort, the group helps pick you up. When you feel misunderstood by your mate, the group offers a safe place to find understanding. In observing the growth and healing in others, you find the motivation to persevere.

Groups Allow Us to Develop Empathy

Both the wayward and the betrayed approach recovery with wounds, and until you feel your mate cares enough to put themselves in your shoes, it's hard to believe you really matter to them. The most expedient way to develop empathy is through the group process. The historical lens mentioned above, defines how they see you, and how their own defense mechanisms inhibit their ability to understand your pain. Participating in a group where there is no bias allows each party to see the devastation in the other couples and amplifies their ability to hear each other.

The antidote to defensiveness is taking personal responsibility. Recognizing ourselves in other participants begins to break through our self-deception and helps us see the truth.

The Group Helps You Stay Emotionally Regulated

One of the most difficult aspects of recovery is the emotional flooding created by the trauma of infidelity. Once triggered, people lose almost all ability to be rational and communicate calmly. We call that flooding. Flooded conversations have only one function: personal survival. Rational conversations on the other hand, can be emotional, but are still controlled. Interaction with the group allows for rational conversations verses flooded conversations.

Groups provide stability, allowing individuals to remain under control as they communicate. It is this behavior that creates the opportunity for new patterns of communication, empathy, and understanding. That's not to say that there won't still be emotional flooding, but now a place for rational interaction exists.

Groups Create Forward Momentum

One final benefit of a recovery small group is the momentum that comes from working together. As groups grow in their care and concern for one another, new dynamics come into play. Each couple becomes a part of your process, encouraging you to succeed. This journey isn't easy, and it is often the camaraderie of the group that helps sustain you even when it is difficult.

We hope this information gives you a better understanding of how and why the group approach is a tremendous gift to both spouses. Attend our EMS Weekend or our EMS Online program and put the power of small groups to work for you!

Feedback Received From a Small Group Member Following Week 9 of EMS Online:

"The curriculum on forgiveness was excellent. I would also like to say that I'm really seeing the value in the group experience. I felt the heartfelt sincerity from an unfaithful female in our group as she shared her assignment with her husband. I felt so much empathy for the shame and suffering she was going through. I realized that my husband is just as sorry and hurting from this as she is and has also expressed that very well and thoughtfully. Having empathy for her, because I am looking at her situation from the outside, helps me to have empathy for my husband. Due to the high profile nature of both of our jobs, we could not participate in a group like this locally; it just wouldn't work for us. We are so thankful for this online group experience."

- EMSO Participant

Feedback Received From A Recent EMS Weekend Participant:

"I expected to meet a group of losers who were going to spend the weekend talking about their feelings. Instead I met other people like me who were "normal" (people w/ problems). We spent time on 'us' as a couple and me as an individual – but part of a couple. We confronted our faults, issues, and belief systems – we were forced to relook at what we both wanted for our marriage. We realized we need to spend (invest) time on us. We felt connected with the other couples immediately! We developed friendships based on a common experience. I believe this will be a life changing experience. I saw hard hearts softened, I saw beautiful smiles of joy on faces of people who came on Friday devoid of that. Thank you!"

- EMSW Participant