What are the 5 simple and proven steps that will protect your marriage? What's the value of your marriage? You might think it's pretty low right now if you are struggling through the aftermath of infidelity, but give this some legitimate thought. What's the value of your marriage? I have a friend who says you can always determine what's important to people by looking at their checking account to see how they spend their money. What percentage of your income is allocated to your relationship? What about your energy withdrawals? What would that say about the importance of your marriage? Another way to assess value is by time invested. Regrettably, most people probably spend more time planning vacations or their financial future than they do planning for and caring for their marital health and longevity. Yet another way to assess what you value is to consider what you protect. You don't leave money laying around because you believe it has value. Those who value money work to increase it and will take steps to protect it. They create budgets and meet with financial advisers to assure good choices are made. Do you go to the same length to protect your marriage as you do your money, energy, and time? Often times, I hear betrayed spouses tell their unfaithful spouses, "It's "too little too late," yet they didn't get to that place overnight. All too often, those who stray are severely under-invested in their marriage relationship. Invest in yourself, your recovery, and your marriage with Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for shame —and that's just the beginning. Learn More | Hope For Healing! Sometimes, a spouse's primary contribution to the relationship is their wages earned. If money provides the sum total of your investment, what's the loss if you walk away? Money and that's it? But if you've built a home, raised kids, grown as a couple, and shared life over many years together, the size of that investment may help you see that there is probably something worth salvaging or at least attempting to salvage. I don't know your exact situation, obviously, but I do have five important and pretty universal tips for how to invest in the recovery of your marriage. Yes, these work, even in marriages that have been rocked by infidelity or addiction! 1. Protect the life that is "Us". Rare is the person who gets married thinking they'll cheat on their mate. Generally, the opposite is true. Most newlyweds believe they're immune to marriage problems and that infidelity could never happen to them. Unfortunately, it's that very thought which makes them susceptible. No one plans to cheat, but given the right situation, anyone can be vulnerable to it. The act of partnering together to protect the investment of your marriage places inherent value in the relationship. Marriages are made up of three separate components: 1) man, 2) a woman, and 3) us together. It's what makes recovery so difficult for those impacted by infidelity. There are three recoveries if you will – they all must be addressed uniquely: 1) your recovery, 2) your spouse's recovery, and 3) the marriage's recovery (Us). This "Us" is something I talk frequently about in marriage counseling. As an individual, I place enough value on my life to protect it. I don't step into oncoming traffic, for example. Far too often, we don't value the life that we have together. A marriage takes loving protection and even ongoing maintenance, just like feeding and protecting your own body. 2. Clarify the meaning of monogamy for your marriage. Just recently, while meeting with a couple in marriage counseling, I asked for their definition of monogamy. Given the fireworks that erupted over the next few minutes, it was clear this couple had never come to a common understanding of that word. Assuming your mate sees things as you do can be a bit naïve. Without conversation about the definition of a committed relationship, couples are at risk of tragic misunderstandings and endless relationship problems. It's also a great exercise to hear your spouse's heart for you and your future together. 3. Establish healthy boundaries for your marriage. Strong, agreed-upon boundaries always outperform marriages that have decent but undiscussed assumptions. Great marriages have problems, but allowing yourself to be in high-risk situations can create unnecessary marital and personal destruction. You may be thinking good morals are enough, but my experience working with couples tells me that it's simply not enough. While our morals and values certainly guide us, our boundaries are what protects our values and morals from being stressed to the breaking point. Couples need to discuss, record, and commit to their boundaries. If it's not "on the record," it's like it never happened. Once it's written, there is a clear understanding of the limits and a clear knowledge of when they've been broken. Neither party can lie, saying they didn't know. Don't let feelings and wandering emotions be your guide. People don't plan to fail; they only fail to plan. 4. Make it a point to brag about your spouse and your marriage. We easily feel what irritates us, but appreciation, now that's a feeling that requires focus. Whatever captures my attention captures me; whatever I focus on expands me. If the irritating aspects of my mate or marriage are the focus of my attention, they will grow and grow until it's all I perceive. On the other hand, if I focus on what I appreciate about my mate and my marriage, especially if I talk about it with others, it will grow and grow until the gratitude runs freely. This is one of the best preventions for marriage problems I've ever encountered! Speaking highly of your spouse and your marriage will force you to look for what you appreciate. It promotes pride in the life that is "Us." 5. Don't try to please your mate. Rather, make sincere attempts to enjoy them and honor them. If merely "pleasing" your mate is your goal, then your mate is responsible for your overall identity and success. If enjoying your mate is your goal, then you determine your success. When Stephanie and I first got together, I didn't hang out with her to please her. I was over at her place because there was no place I enjoyed more. I don't know where I ever got the idea that after marriage, my role was to please her. When I enjoy being around her, my life and home are a true pleasure. Frankly, I find it to be a great honor to be married to Stephanie. Earlier on in our marriage before I learned these lessons, I was fixated on trying to please her, and my marriage felt like a chore. With this attitude, I begin wondering what I'd get in return. When you enjoy your mate, they see and feel how much you're into them. Your outward enjoyment clearly communicates that they matter and that you want to be with them. When you enjoy your spouse, even if you fail to meet all their needs, they don't feel slighted because your attitude allows them to write off the disappointment. At Affair Recovery, our missionis to restore those impacted by infidelity to extraordinary lives of meaning and purpose. We understand not all marriages survive infidelity, but our hope is that you understand some steps you can take to salvage the relationship. You both might both be better off for trying! What's the benefit of working through the trauma of infidelity if your best outcome is a miserable life? The goal isn't survival; it's a new and better life. You can't go back to what you had. It's a difficult moment when I share that truth with individuals in crisis, and you likely know this is the reality. The focus now is not about going back to the past but about going forward and building a new version of the marriage and relationship. If you're looking for that new life and a way to move beyond the hurt and trauma you may feel trapped in right now, I hope you'll give some thought to joining our EMS Online course where we provide an expert plan and for couples in crisis. I hope you'll give us a chance to help change your life and your marriage! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Sexual HealingRL_Media Type: Text
