The Affair Causing Habit It was a strange name that pricked my curiosity, but I questioned the thought. Why was I so interested about her name? I was out to eat with my wife and our waitress had just stopped by the table to introduce herself. My normal routine would've been to ask how she came by her unusual and beautifully unique name. This was the first time I stopped to ponder, why would I do that? A quick glance told me the restaurant was short staffed, and the waitress was responsible for too many tables. How will my asking her about her name benefit her? It would only cost her time which would not only make her job more difficult, but it would negatively impact how quickly other customers were served. How would it make Stephanie feel if I began chatting with our cute waitress about the origin of her name? Thankfully, after 45 years of marriage, Steph would still be hurt, which means she still cares. That's when this adolescent part of me (the part of me that wants what it wants when it wants it) spoke up and said, But if she wasn't busy and Steph wasn't here, it'd be okay. There's nothing wrong with asking someone about their name. But is it possible that my justification was an excuse for me wanting to be entertained or wanting the thrill of flirting just a little bit? Designed specifically for wayward spouses, this 17-week online course is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. Learn More | Hope For Healing! I've grown up, thankfully, so I could reason through this. The current me said to the adolescent that lingered inside of me: "I appreciate the role you played in junior high and high school. You came up with some brilliant solutions that got us through some really tough times, but we've grown up and have healthier ways of getting our needs met now. Deceiving ourselves into thinking we're being a good guy while using another person for our own gratification doesn't make us a good guy. Let's think beyond the immediate gratification and consider how things might play out. Maybe our interest in her name flatters her and makes her feel special. If she's in a committed relationship with someone, who's not making her feel special, will that cause her to feel closer to her partner or will it sew a seed of dissatisfaction? What if the waitress misinterprets our intent and thinks we're interested in her? Two things could happen, neither of them good. First, she might set a hard boundary, letting us know in no uncertain terms that she doesn't appreciate being hit on or second, she might see us as someone interested in becoming more intimate. If she asks for your contact info, would you give it to her? On the other hand, how would you feel about having to disappoint her and tell her you're a married man? Would you just as soon she not know you are a married man? Would you meet her for more "harmless" conversation if you could? You didn't intend to give her the wrong impression, you just wanted to satisfy your own curiosity. Now she's feeling like a fool. Is that what you're going for, to make fools of yourself and others? This can be a slippery slope, and I'm tired of it." The difference between a teen and a mature adult is the adult's ability to think beyond the moment and consider what the downside to an action might be. But longtime habits are hard to break, and we don't always see this so clearly. To you, it's satisfying to make someone else feel good about themselves, and in the process, it makes you feel good about yourself too. Maybe you don't struggle with this exact issue, but there is something in your life you can relate this to. Think about it objectively. Is it wise? Is it considerate? Is it beneficial? Is it hurtful to someone I love? Then the adolescent me continued the conversation with the current me: "When we were younger, say 14, curiosity was a tool we used to engage girls, so we could chat it up. It was part of our strategy for getting girls and guys to think we were a good guy and it helped us develop much needed friendships. Making others feel good made us feel good. Finding a way to get peers to provide the validation that was missing in our home life was a brilliant strategy for a teen, but we've healed and moved beyond those wounds. Why would we apply an outdated strategy for getting validation in our new life where people love and depend on us. These days, we're the one responsible for giving the validation. Curiosity is good, but maybe we need to start asking which part of us is curious. Is it the adult who's being protective of his family or is it the child who is using old survival strategies? We need to be curious about why we're being curious!" I was suddenly jerked back to present by an old familiar voice, my wife. "Rick. Rick. What in the world are you thinking about?" "Curiosity, I was thinking about curiosity," I replied. I'll tell you more about it later once I figure it out. Our goal at Affair Recovery isn't just to empower those impacted by infidelity to construct new lives of meaning and purpose, we would also like to help prevent the crises and destruction created by infidelity. For those rebuilding their lives, we'd like to enable you to avoid more suffering. Rarely do I meet individuals who were "planning to cheat." The majority of the time, old ways of being are applied to a new season of life. How we interact with others, what we perceive our boundaries to be, what we believe is appropriate (right or wrong). Through the years, I've learned you can't 100% affair proof your marriage, but you can affair proof yourself! Time spent identifying and eliminating old habits that place your commitment to your partner at risk is worth every ounce of will power and effort. One of the goals of EMS Online and Hope for Healing is to help people identify patterns that put them risk. Monogamy is not a given, rather, it is a state that both partners must protect. Learn More | Hope For Healing! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Recovery FundamentalsRelapse PreventionSafety in RecoveryWhy They Did ItRL_Media Type: Video
