Emotional flooding (or dysregulation) is natural in the aftermath of infidelity. Judith Herman says relational trauma, such as infidelity, is "a violation of human connection."¹ The attachment rupture that occurs is likely the most painful event the betrayed spouse has ever experienced. They've lost all sense of safety.

The impact is so significant that it creates traumatic memories. As time passes, normal memories fade into the past and lose their emotional intensity, but traumatic memories are a different cognitive entity. When they are triggered, the betrayed spouse re-experiences that memory as if it's happening right now, not in the past. That part of the brain can't tell time.

When a reminder, such as a song, smell, name, or memory triggers a traumatic memory, there's rage, tears, and accusations; it can feel like Groundhog Day, where you go back to the very beginning as if nothing has changed.

When you try to "fix it," you make things worse, right? You're not alone. (We talk about these tendencies in detail with others throughout our Hope For Healing course) Let's explore the absolute WORST things you're doing, and how to actually help the trauma heal. This isn't just drama, it's a natural psychological response to trauma.

Here is a list of some very important "Don'ts" during intensely emotional times. These have the potential to feel like "tough love" but I genuinely desire for you to have the necessary tools to create emotional safety for your spouse and you have an opportunity to to help them.

Don't...

• Don't say, "It won't happen again," or "You're living in the past." First, they won't believe you, and you're invalidating their pain. Quit making empty promises. Second, of course they're living in the past because they've been traumatized. Every time they get triggered, they're re-experiencing that initial shock and pain.
• Don't try to control their emotions by saying, "You're flooded and need to calm down," or "You're overreacting." They're not in the same time zone as you; they're reliving D-day. Once they're emotionally dysregulated, they wish they could be rational, but that's beyond their reach.
• Don't get defensive with responses like, "That's not what I meant," while you tell them what they don't understand. Your mate doesn't care about your excuses; your mate needs you to LISTEN.
• Don't pretend everything is fine. Ignoring their pain makes you look heartless. Don't tell them, "You know how they feel." No, you don't. You betrayed them. Don't shame them for their reactions. Don't bring up their behavior after the flood.

If you want to be supportive and help your mate, here is a list of some crucial "Do's" during very intense moments:

Do...

• Do listen. Really listen. Focus and understand their pain. Repeat back to them what you're hearing, and ask if you got it.
• Do validate their feelings. Even if you don't agree, acknowledge their reality. Don't try to correct it.
• Do express appreciation for staying with you and trying to work through the pain in order to give the two of you a chance again. This is something to do daily. Let them know you see the battle they're fighting for you and for the marriage.
• When they are emotionally flooded, do stay present with an attitude of compassion and grief over what your actions cost them.
• Do provide a safe space. Let them express their anger without retaliation (unless it's dangerous).
• Do call a time-out for yourself if you're no longer able to provide a safe place. Say, "I'm getting to a point where I'm going to say something that is hurtful, and I don't want to do that, so I need to take a time out and calm down." Then let them know when you're coming back. Try to create a pre-decided time-out protocol.
• Do ask how you can help, instead of assuming what they need.
• Most importantly, do your own recovery work. Let them know you don't ever want to be that other person again.

It Won't Always Be This Way

It's very hard to deal with intrusive thoughts and traumatic memories, but recovery is possible. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of humility. Focus on being a safe partner and you'll see a difference!

Want to learn more? Affair Recovery has resources that can help. If you're doing this work together, try out EMS Online or EMS Weekend. In both of these courses, we explore emotional flooding much more in depth.