A Betrayed Spouse Chimes In - How I Recovered After My Husband's Infidelity What follows is the personal story of a betrayed spouse. We hope that her story provides hope and insight to your own personal journey, regardless if you share the same worldview and faith. As my husband walked through the door, I immediately knew something was wrong. He was supposed to be on a plane to speak at a conference, but instead was home, looking at me when he said, "We need to talk." I had never seen that look in his eye, and I knew something was wrong. As we stood looking at each other uncomfortably, I heard the Lord say to me, "You love this man and you will forgive him." What did that mean?? What was going on?? What was I going to have to forgive? I felt like my heart and mind froze in that moment. You may not be a Christian or even believe in God, but for me, this moment was both comforting and paralyzing all at the same time. For years, I had prayed desperately and agonized for our situation to change. My husband was never home. He was constantly traveling and serving the pastor's family and the church, all while we were growing more and more distant. I knew something was wrong, both with our marriage and with the amount of time he was spending away from home. The more he did for the "ministry" the louder he was applauded. His ego was no longer just inflated -- it was completely out of control. When I brought up grievances or suspicions, he and church leadership led me to believe I was the crazy one. I eventually began to believe that I was the problem; the never happy, overbearing and controlling wife. I even received counseling for my controlling tendencies and I was told to be submissive, supportive and to have more sex. I got tired of being the black sheep, so I figured if I kept my mouth shut and died a slow death inside, life would flow smoothly. It did, but I was a shell of a person and very bitter inside. So, on that fateful day, my husband sat me down in our living room and proceeded to tell me that he had been in a two year affair with his assistant. I KNEW IT!!! I was RIGHT!!!! All of my suspicions were true; the lies, the deception, the cover up. His audacity to continue this affair for two whole years, right under my nose is beyond me. The realization that I was not crazy, but had actually been picking up on the truth was a relief that is hard to convey in words. It's hard to explain because it was relief coupled with the most excruciating pain and shock I have ever felt. I could hardly breathe, swallow or think. He offered to tell me anything I wanted to know. But I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I began to ask him questions and details until I couldn't handle it anymore. He apologized in tears, confessed his love, and said he would do whatever it took to make it right. It didn't matter. It was already done. He had an affair and had betrayed, hurt, and humiliated me. I didn't want him to say he loved me or to make things right. I hated him and wanted him away from me. The only reason he told me the truth was because other staff members were coming to my house the next day to verify he told me everything. He was finally caught. The lies now had to stop. As the truth of the situation slowly began to penetrate, I found myself overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt so strongly: shock, disbelief, horror, despair, anger, pain, and sadness. With a newborn and two small children, I didn't know how I was going to make it. I switched to autopilot in order to provide the essentials for my children. I sifted through the options on an hourly basis: separate, divorce, or stay? All the while, the theater in my mind continued to play the details of the infidelity over and over again. I didn't sleep, barely ate, and cried constantly. Every time I looked at my husband, hate would well up in my heart, and I couldn't stand to be around him. The man I once loved and cherished now became the object of hate, disappointment and overwhelming grief. I got on a plane with all three children and fled to a friend's house. The stress and emotional chaos were overwhelming. My now 6 week old would not nurse and cried constantly, almost refusing to sleep. My other two children sensed the weight of the situation and cried for their daddy continuously. While at my friend's house, I continued to weigh the options: separation, divorce, or restoration? I tried desperately to hear God's voice, as even my friends (who hadn't been through infidelity before) were encouraging me to divorce. I just wanted to figure out the right thing to do. I was so confused. I felt like every negative emotion known to man ran through me on a daily basis. Because my husband was extremely broken, repentant and began pursuing recovery work, I had a glimmer of hope. However, I didn't know if I could ever forgive and move on with someone who had completely betrayed me, lied to me on a daily basis, and offered himself to another woman for over two years. It felt like I didn't even know who this man was. However, I was often reminded me of the words God first spoke to me that day, "You love this man and you will forgive him." I eventually realized I was mad at God because he had allowed this to happen and now, He expected me to forgive this man. I investigated and researched all my options and decided to just wait a while to make a final decision. When I returned home, I allowed him to stay in the house, but I distanced myself from him emotionally. In the days that followed, I lost my job, my financial security, my friends, my church, and any security I had in my relationship with my husband. Believe it or not, my church family was "advised" to leave me alone. To ‘give me space' so I could heal. We couldn't tell our family members. I only had two friends who lived in different states that were there to support me. I felt totally alone and isolated. Because we had been so visible in our community and our situation was so public, I decided we needed to leave the situation by moving out of state to be with one of my friends. It was a tough move because it meant leaving my family and my husband's family behind. However, I saw no choice. During this time, I was trying to find all the help I could: reading books, calling counselors, and researching online. One day I would be OK and could function reasonably well and the next was a roller coaster of emotional outbursts. I physically attacked my husband. I took an ax and destroyed a playhouse in the backyard. I "let myself" into the AP's home while she was gone and destroyed her belongings. I spray painted "whore" on her bed, stole her journal and took back all my family pictures on her walls! I threw things. I broke things. I slammed and broke doors. I wasn't sleeping and constantly got sick. I knew we both needed help to get through this but I had no idea where to turn. Once we settled into our new home, we saw several different counselors which provided little relief and only more confusion and frustration. We finally ended up at Affair Recovery roughly six months after D-day. This is where, almost unbelievably, the tide began to turn. When we started counseling, I still was not 100% convinced that we could restore our marriage. I still had a back door open. But slowly, as we proceeded through the EMS Online course, that back door started to quietly close. As we worked through some gut wrenching and painful exercises, I began to feel that my husband was "getting it." He was finally, finally beginning to understand how much he had hurt me. This was a big part in my healing. Once I felt that he "got it," I was slowly able to own up to the issues that I had and how I had contributed to the downward spiral of our marriage. Through the marriage course I was able to forgive the infidelity, express my pain, hurt, and anger in a healthy way, and focus on building a new foundation for our marriage. My husband changed dramatically as well, and was able to deal with things that had been issues for years. After the 13 week program, we continued with counseling and sought other resources. Today, we are a little over 10 years out from discovery. I am so, so, so, so glad I decided to stay married. We have an incredible, loving, intimate marriage that is better than it ever has been. I see how close we came to losing that, and I am so grateful for all that we have today. Of course, it did not come easy. Recovery is a PROCESS and it can be a LONG process; it is not instantaneous. The road can be long and hard, but it is so worth it. I wanted to communicate some of the details of my story, not for sympathy or pity, but to prove that even in dire circumstances there is still hope for restoration. Even when you're presumably forsaken by almost everyone close to you, you're not forsaken by God. God always has a way out and through. Throughout the past ten years there have been endless miracles and bright spots straight from heaven that have brought me hope and confidence. I am eternally thankful to Rick Reynolds and his team at Affair Recovery for saving our marriage. They are INCREDIBLE at what they do! They have helped to restore multitudes of marriages after infidelity. I am so happy and grateful that such an excellent resource exists for couples that unfortunately find themselves facing this crisis. If you are stuck and don't know where to turn, please don't stay there. Get help. EMS Online was incredible for my marriage. I highly recommend at least giving your marriage a chance before you make a decision. 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