In the fall of 1980, I took a course on problem solving at the University of Denver. At the time, I found it difficult to believe there was enough material to teach about this subject to warrant a three-hour course. In hindsight, however, it was one of the best graduate courses I've ever taken. It taught me to stop assuming that I knew what was wrong and, instead, assume that I have no earthly idea what the problem is.

What's The Real Problem Here?

Failure to identify the actual problem leads to a lot of wasted time, effort, and resources. It causes people to do the same things over and over again only to wind up with the same results. When it comes to betrayal or other self-destructive behaviors, it's natural to focus on behavioral change. But there are times, regardless of how hard you try, that the behavior stays the same. When that's the case, there's a good chance the behavior is a symptom of a much deeper, possibly even unidentified problem.

Over the past three weeks, I've explained why people cheat from a neurobiological perspective. I'd like to restate that this perspective is NOT an excuse for bad behavior. My hope in examining the problem through the neurobiological lens is to provide some explanation as to why someone who has done something this destructive continues the very behavior they say they want to stop.

If the behavior you are dealing with meets the criteria of the four C's mentioned in last week's newsletter , then rarely will willpower alone be sufficient to stop the behavior. When it comes to addictions, trying to "just stop it" is a recipe for disaster. Those seeking to stop addictive behaviors by mere force of will only create further destruction for those they love. With good intentions, they will continue to try, only to discover that you don't control addictions; rather, addictions end up controlling you. And, when the consequence of failure is continued betrayal of a loved one, the damage done only increases.

Can You Really Create A New Life?

Finding sufficient motivation to do what it's going to take to change doesn't come until most addicts have hit bottom, but bottom doesn't have to be a moment in time where you lose everything. Addiction is an elevator that continually moves downward, but we have the ability to get off at whatever floor we choose. All it takes is a desire for a different life and seeing the problem for what it is. You have to accept that, strange as it may seem, you have an addiction. You don't overcome addiction by stopping the behavior; instead, you create a new life where it's easier not to act out. You find something worthwhile to live for.

If you struggle with addiction, there are many resources available: 12-step programs, SMART Recovery, addiction counselors, and support groups. The one thing those in recovery need are others who will walk with them. As I mentioned in the second week's video, the addiction's powerful motivational engines will overcome reason and logic. Unless the addict can find others who understand the problem and are willing to come alongside them to help direct their recovery, the power of the addiction will return and, once again, drag them into a living hell. So, please don't try it alone. Find others who can keep you on the path of healing.

If your spouse struggles with addiction, I hope you'll consider enrolling in Harboring Hope. This course helps betrayed spouses heal and find hope in whatever circumstance. This course helps betrayed spouses heal and find hope in whatever circumstance. Rebuild your confidence and give yourself room to thrive by registering today: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope.