What does a betrayed spouse do if their wayward spouse is unwilling to take steps toward healing? What if they use intimidation when you try to bring something up?

Whether it's trying to get them to end the affair, to be honest, to talk, to see a therapist, or maybe to attend an EMS Weekend, that refusal to take action, that lack of concern, that unwillingness to take responsibility leaves the betrayed partner feeling insignificant, powerless, helpless, hopeless, out of control, and disrespected.

But there is something that the betrayed spouse can do.

The betrayed spouse needs to tell their partner what they need to feel safe and to begin to recover. They need to set boundaries and let their partner know what's going to happen if they refuse. Remember, the wayward spouse is free to say, "No" when their spouse asks for something, but the truth is they don't get to say, "No" and have life go on as usual. Maintaining boundaries and allowing natural consequences to occur as a result is necessary. Just remember, that's going to be the catalyst that's going to cause your partner's reevaluation of things and their eventual decision to change.

For example, if the betrayed wife tries to get her husband to come to an EMS Weekend or go to counseling, and she says something like, "Look, I'm not even asking you to try to save the marriage, I'm asking you to come with me to learn about our options." And suppose the husband says, "No." That's their choice, right?

Obviously, the consequences will vary according to each situation and depending on the boundaries you set. Maybe it's asking them to sleep in the guest room or telling them that they're going to have to move out and help you tell the kids that Mommy and Daddy are having a really hard time and they're working on it.

Each situation is unique. You want to be wise with the boundaries you set and the responses you give.

There are two books I recommend in determining boundaries and consequences. The first is Boundaries in Marriage* by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and the second is How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong* by Leslie Vernick.

I suspect that right now, some of you are thinking, "Oh, this doesn't feel right. It scares me to death to even think about standing up for myself because I'm afraid I'll lose everything that's important to me."

What causes you to feel like that, may I ask? Are you aware that most likely, your response is a trauma response. Did you know there's a difference between Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Developmental Trauma?

PTSD is single incident trauma. It's where you feel that you are going to die. For instance, if I'm in the woods hiking and a bear attacks me, I am not worried about the relationship with the bear. I am just scared to death and will do whatever I can to survive. If I have to shoot the bear, I will because I want to survive.

The net consequence of single incident trauma like that is fear.

Developmental trauma for a child, that is radically different.

Let's say you have a parent that's being abusive or severely neglectful, thus hurting the child. Guess what? The child can't shoot the parent. They have an ongoing relationship with this parent who is, at least in part, their caregiver.

That means that instead of being angry at the parent, the child blames themselves. This is the net consequence of Developmental Trauma. It's so severe that blame must be cast, so the child blames themselves.

Betrayal trauma has a lot in common with Developmental Trauma because it's about relationship. It becomes all about the fear of losing that lifeline, that comfort, that familiarity. Losing that person can feel like you are losing everything. Similar to a child, spouses tend to blame themselves.

We take on feelings of shame as if we must be doing something wrong. That's a strategy we developed as a child when we were trying to survive. And while that survival strategy, blaming ourselves and making it about us, was brilliant in helping us survive trauma as a kid, applying that same strategy as an adult is not helpful. You need to develop new a strategy for your current situation.

Love – real love – will always act in the best interest of another person, and in that light, we can conclude that enabling destructive behavior by saying or doing nothing is the antithesis of real or true love. At best, doing nothing will prolong your spouse's involvement outside the marriage, and at worst, it may result in the death of the relationship or further harm to members of the family.

Relationships change unilaterally, not bilaterally. It takes two people agreeing to continue relating to each other in the same way—to keep the relationship the same.

But it only takes one person changing how they react within the relationship to completely change the dance. This is why your actions are so critical.

Let's say the wayward spouse is ambivalent about saving the relationship, or they've convinced themselves they want out of the relationship. They say that contrary to popular opinion, they're the victim, and they blame the betrayed spouse to justify what they're doing.

It's that attitude that gives them a feeling of power and control. The person who wants the relationship the least always has the most power because they're willing to forego the relationship if they don't get what they want.

Years ago, when I was first entering my personal infidelity recovery journey, I was talking to my mentor. I'd been training to become a marriage and family therapist, and I told my supervisor what was going on. I was complaining about how I felt like my wife, Stephanie, had disrespected me. I was convinced I was the victim. My therapist looked at me and said, "Are you aware that you've got all the power in this relationship? You're not the powerless one." That was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. He went on, "When you had that affair, what you conveyed to Stephanie is you don't care and are willing to let her go. Since that moment, the entire relationship has rotated around YOUR decisions and what YOU choose to do."

They might claim to be a tragic victim, but everything rotates around their choices. Saying they're going to do what they want, that act alone, leaves them feeling emboldened, enlightened, and entitled. Their newfound sense of power is intoxicating.

They aren't feeling any pain even though everyone around them is feeling pain. It's almost like the movie from the 90s called Body Snatchers. The reality is they're not in their right mind, and the person in the best position to save them, to break that spell, to sober them up, is going to be their spouse.

By having the courage to set boundaries, the betrayed partner shows their mate that they don't want the relationship "as is," and they're willing to forgo that relationship if healthy change doesn't happen. That action is empowering! It puts the betrayed spouse back in control of their own future, and even better, it gives the marriage a fighting chance!

Are you aware that the best way to get a man's attention is through cardboard boxes? Not every wayward partner is a man, but you get the idea! Betrayed spouses, why don't you pack their stuff up? When your partner's ability to choose how this thing is going is ripped from their fingers, that's when the lights come on – and they see what's truly important in life.

That's when they can actually count the cost. If your desire is for your family to remain intact and to explore whether it's possible to save your marriage, the best approach isn't going to involve begging, pleading, or cajoling, but rather, it's going to involve loving them enough to set the boundaries that are necessary for a healthy relationship.

Remember what I said? How their lack of regard for you and how they're now acting is actually intoxicating?

Do you really want a drunk person sitting behind the wheel of your relationship, driving it to who knows where? The most loving thing to do is to put your foot down. Take away their keys and get behind the wheel. The chances of your relationship surviving will go up significantly.

Finally, there is one circumstance where I would advise that you take an additional step. If you're in a relationship that's been physically, sexually or emotionally abusive, and you're afraid of how they're going to react if you set boundaries, then I recommend getting a professional involved to help you develop a plan that will establish the right boundaries while keeping yourself and any children involved safe. (We recommend the Domestic Violence Hotline at https://www.thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-SAFE for help in the United States. If international, please use https://findahelpline.com/ to find resources in your country.)

But even in those situations, your willingness to act in their best interest, to love them well, to set boundaries not out of spite but out of love, that is what gives the opportunity for change.

And time and time again, as I've worked with wayward partners who suddenly lose that control, they are often drawn to finally get the help they need. They are open to the possibility of total transformation.

For clarity's sake, I want to add a comment to make sure I am very clear. This article and accompanying video is for those who are in a situation where their spouse feels "entitled." They are refusing to do anything to address their issues. They are acting without regard for you. If you're in one of those situations, you need to rise up, set boundaries, and allow the consequences to be felt. Your willingness to show love in this way just might bring them around to a better life — with you.

To healing,
Rick

I want to invite all who have been betrayed to our 7^th Annual Hope Rising Conference, and gain momentum, strength, and community on your journey to wholeness.

Hope Rising | Sign Up Now!