How Could You? Part VI - Dehumanization and Blame How Could You? A Six Part Series on Why We Commit Betrayal with Infidelity Part 1: Why We Commit Betrayal With Infidelity Part 2: The Thought Processes That Lead to Betrayal Part 3: Moral Justifications Part 4: Doublespeak and Distorted Comparisons Part 5: The Secrecy Factor Part 6: Dehumanization and Blame Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Ever done something you're really ashamed of? Not just a mistake but also something that, when you look back on it, you can't believe you did it? I certainly have. If you're reading this newsletter, I'm confident you've probably either done something you're ashamed of or been on the receiving end of something very tragic and humiliating. Today, I'd like to talk to you about how and why the unfaithful spouse utilizes both dehumanization and blame in order to justify their affair(s). Components of Moral Disengagement There are two more contributors to moral disengagement I'd like to cover: dehumanization and attribution of blame. These two practices of moral disengagement are based on how we view those we betray or mistreat. Hopefully, we were raised in families where we experienced joy and suffering along with those we loved. It's that experience that teaches empathy and allows us to experience life with those around us. Being able to relate to the joy and the suffering of others is part of being human. However, if we're able to blind ourselves to the human characteristics of other people, then we're less likely to relate to them and vicariously experience their pain. In other words, it's difficult for us to mistreat those we respect without also experiencing their pain, but it's easy to act in harmful ways if we dehumanize them. Dehumanization: Dehumanization is a much bigger deal than most of us realize. During wartime, nations portray their enemies as less than human, even demonic, to make it easier to defeat or kill them. The process of dehumanization is an essential ingredient in the perpetration of inhumanities. The same is true of infidelity. The injured spouse is frequently confused by how their mate could do this to them, but the unfaithful spouse is able to carry on because he or she has divested their mate of human qualities by focusing only on their faults. They effectively dehumanize them which limits any empathetic response they might normally experience. When dehumanization is in play, there is little, if any, consideration of the impact their betrayal will have on their mate. Before you think this is all about the unfaithful partner, let me assure you that the same principle can hold true to those responding to a betrayal. By labeling those who are unfaithful as nothing more than cheaters, they effectively dehumanize them, which paves the way for ongoing justification of additional inhumane treatment. To run your mate over with a car or to inflict bodily or emotional harm on a loved one requires seeing them as subhuman. To consider hurting someone you consider to be human evokes self-censure which prevents hurtful actions. Attribution of Blame: Of all of the previously mentioned ways people suspend their morals and values by having an affair, this may be the most damaging of all. Blaming one's mate or circumstances not only pushes away any guilt, but it also allows the perpetrator to become a faultless victim who was driven to their hurtful actions out of necessity. Guilt can be avoided by viewing their hurtful actions as beyond their control and forced by circumstances rather than a personal decision. By placing the blame on others or on circumstances caused by others, their actions not only become excusable, but they also feel self-righteous and justified in the process. Even worse, justifying our hurtful actions is more damaging than a situation in which the perpetrator takes responsibility for his or her actions. When the pain we inflict on others is not dripping with self-righteousness, then we have to bear the responsibility for what happened. But when victims are blamed for the hurtful actions of others, and this happens over and over again, they may believe these hurtful actions are indeed their fault. Other people may begin to mistreat this person as well if they are exposed to the blaming and mischaracterization of the truth. The devaluation and righteous indignation created by blame provides even greater moral justification for ongoing abuse. For example: it's easy to play the victim and justify your affair if you tell everyone your mate is controlling. What's more, the efforts of the hurt spouse to change and become less controlling only add greater justification for being unfaithful and potentially increase the sense of righteous indignation. Not only that, but by blaming their behavior on their spouse being controlling, others will look down on the victim and will tend to blame that spouse for the infidelity. It's easy to justify verbal or physical abuse if your mate has cheated on you. You can be righteously indignant because you've never done that to them and you would never be acting this way if they hadn't betrayed you. But, in the long run, we're all responsible for our actions. We will either see others as human and act according to our morals (even when we're hurt), or we will see them as less than human and act with no regard as to the impact of our actions. The choice is ours. If you would like help as you make this choice, then I invite you to consider EMS Weekend. During EMS Weekend, you will find your path in recovery alongside other couples, providing an environment that will both support and challenge you. Let 2023 be the year that you take responsibility for your actions and for your healing. Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. 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