SHAME!!!!!

Shame is loud and debilitating. It can alter the trajectory of your life. I want to share one step you can take to silence shame and to do so, let me share one quick story about how shame affected my life.

Many years ago, when I returned home from college, my friends threw a party, and after it was over, I crashed at my best friend's house for the night. Unfortunately, in the early hours of the morning, I was jolted out of a deep sleep. The first thing I saw was the clock on the nightstand. It was 3:17 a.m. It was then that I realized someone was sexually fondling me. Instantly going into fight or flight mode, I rolled off the bed and spun around to confront my perpetrator, only to find the perpetrator was my best friend.

What just happened? I was completely disoriented and confused. I felt shocked, hurt, violated, betrayed, misunderstood, alone, bewildered, and angry. My first reaction was to yell and ask, "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

I quickly grabbed my stuff and got out of there. I was too confused to go home and spent the rest of the night in a church parking lot.

My mind was racing at 100 MPH with questions. Had I done something to give the wrong impression? Was it my fault? What had just happened? What was he thinking? Who was this person that I thought I knew? This would never have happened if I hadn't stayed with him. Why didn't I just go home? What should I say to him?

My heart ached because it felt like I had just lost my best friend in the world. I wanted to wake up to find it all a bad dream, but it was real. Should I pretend it never happened and go on as if everything was normal? Part of me wanted to go back and apologize for my reaction and repair the relationship; another part of me was angry, and there was still another part that was ashamed. I felt violated, taken advantage of, and used.

I wish I could say my racing thoughts were short-lived, and I just moved on, but that's not the case. Sleep never came, and it took days for the raging river of emotions to begin to recede. I felt like I was stuck on a hamster wheel, going round and round and getting nowhere. I didn't know who to talk to or what to do, and I began to lose interest in life. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to return to college.

Shame told me the best option was to isolate myself so no one would find out; shame was holding me hostage. The isolation left me feeling hopeless, and hopelessness left me paralyzed with no motivation to move forward. My life was frozen in time.

Infidelity and the shame that follows will lie to you and can debilitate your life. While my best friend's betrayal was painful, it was nothing compared to the betrayal of infidelity. If you are the betrayed spouse, the person you invited into the deepest parts of your heart and integrated into your life just shattered it. It's a betrayal that has likely set off an explosion inside of you, destroying the natural habitat you once turned to for safety and support. It has ripped the very fabric of your identity and makes what once felt solid seem like nothing more than smoke and mirrors.

The trauma creates an attachment wound that isn't easy to heal.

Reestablishing a connection with the person who blew up your life can be even more difficult.

A client only a few weeks out from discovery used this analogy to describe the dilemma: "Imagine your spouse, in anger, grabs your arm and throws you to the ground, breaking your arm. Then, when they see the damage they've done, they feel guilty and try to fix it by asking you to give them the broken limb so they can reset the bone. Do you know how surreal it feels to have the person who has just abused you try to assume the role of healer? It just doesn't feel safe."

In reality, when there is an attachment wound, the thought of trusting anyone with your painful story feels dangerous. With attachment injuries, isolation is a natural response. Why would we allow others to get close to us if it means we could get hurt again?

The antidote to an attachment injury isn't isolation like shame tells you; it is CONNECTION.

Healing from my trauma began when I took the risk of sharing my shame with a safe person. He connected me with others who had a similar experience and had healed from it. It was that community that allowed me to rise above my shame and provided the support necessary for me to re-engage with life. I've learned that healing from attachment trauma is best done in a safe community that can help share the load of your healing journey. This is the strength of our programs at Affair Recovery.

While we're not in control of what life throws at us or how traumatic events impact us, we can choose how we will respond. We get to choose whether the betrayal of others or our personal failures will define us or refine us. A safe community will help bring the healing and connection you want back in your life. Check out one of our Affair Recovery courses that provide a safe and supportive community for your healing journey.