Excellent article. My problem is that the AP is still in the picture as she works for my husband. Unfortunately it's not so easy for my husband to move jobs so while we're trying to pick up the pieces of our relationship, it will never fully heal until the AP is off the scene. She's a complete narcissist too which makes it difficult as she has no remorse for what she did despite being married with two children herself and I have heard about her flirting outrageously with other men. I know that's not my problem but I'd hate for someone else to go through what we did.

As always, a timely article. D-Day was more than 30 months ago. I've reconnected on the surface and all appears to be getting better, but emotionally I have remained uncommitted to my spouse. She betrayed our marriage and family, and I hold this deep and quiet resentment that fades, but easily resurfaces. It's not healthy and this article was a good reminder to work on that issue.
I do fear that my lack of committment will lead to a separation or me eventually wandering. It feels as if I don't commit now...then I'm creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of divorce.
For me, RESPECT is the issue. I'm not sure how someone can respect themselves after such betrayal. I'm not certain that I feel respect for my marriage or my wife. I do respect who she is, but I don't respect what she has done. I mentally label her as a liar and adulterer. Clearly, I don't feel forgiveness. I understand the "why" of the lies and sex, but I don't feel as if I will ever truly forgive her for it.
If you cannot find respect or forgiveness, how do you truly choose to commit? Do both need to exist before restoration?

thank you for this article. I find that #2 barrier is my biggest one. Until I know all that I am forgiving, I am unable to completely forgive and be "all in". I still do not (after 18 months) feel that I know everything, and I am one of "those people" who NEED to know everything and have absolutely no dishonesty between us. As Liz mentioned in the mentor video, she couldn't forgive until she knew what all she was forgiving. that's me. As much as I want this marriage to work, this is my greatest stumbling block. I am very frightened that it will happen again and I am not yet feeling safe. It has already happened twice. I don't know his heart, what he is really feeling, or if he has truly closed the door on his affair and his AP-- and it is difficult, with all the events that happened in this recent affair, to discern what he truly thinks and if he wants our marriage for the right reasons. We do not know anyone where we live who has gotten through the nightmare of infidelity and can help us with the stumbling blocks. Our EMS phone group has disbanded. No marriage counseling in our area has helped. I am listening for God's directive to guide me in what to do. I appreciate your insight on this and have forwarded it to my spouse for reading. thank you, Rick.

This article was very enlightening. My husband and I are about 13 months post affair. I think I have resigned myself into thinking that though we will stay married that I will always feel I am holding back some. I guess I am not at a point of recommitment yet, but I am praying that in time I will get there. We have come so far since the day I first found out and I am hopeful that in time with work I will feel "all in." One major stumbling block is that both my husband and I are dealing with consequences of the affair which are affecting his job. The AP made a complaint against him and because of the type of work that he does, he may be removed from his job. This has put even more pressure on both he and I and our two children who are college age. It has been a nightmare the last 13 months and I think that once the job issue is resolved we will be able to move forward again.

My husband admitted to being in love with the woman he tried to have a relationship with while we were separated. They both stated they considered each other best friends as well as sexual partners on and off for over 11 years. My husband keeps saying he's let her go. Recently he found that she is with someone new he is hurt by this. He still contacts her, he said they both agreed that they crossed the line when they tried to be more than friends. He keeps saying nothing will change with us all we do is argue and he's not happy. He forgets that i was hurt i forgave him but it still hurts. He says he loves me but he just don't know, but i believe he is more hurt by his actions and now she has moved on so quickly. I want to save my marriage how can i put the past behind and move forward start new without looking back.

My husband cheated on me to the tune of $80,000, a marriage full of porn, an STD, and prostitutes. He tells everyone who will listen that he is "committed to us" but his ACTIONS have taken him on vacation with my stepdaughter and left me home alone with our younger kids (another 5-7K). For 2 months I begged him tearfully not to do this, and he left Monday. But 3 years after finding out, people want me to "try." He shot my life apart like the destruction of the twin towers, and then sneered like a terrorist at my pain.

This article came in great timing. It has been about 21 months since I told my husband of my affair. I believe my husbands forgiveness is a huge step in the healing of our marriage as well as my respect for him. I really like the idea of recommitment to show my husband my true rededication to him and only him. Thanks Rick!

Great article, but still unsure. Been cheated on too many times to remember, last affair (I am aware of) was revealed in Feb of this year. I want my 3 children (11-1) to have both parents, that love them dearly, in the home, but I am emotionally divorced from my husband. Please pray for us.

I appreciate this article. We are now only 13 weeks past D-Day, and 6 1/2 weeks removed from my wife's last contact with AP. We chose to temporarily separate a week and a half ago. There is a condo in the family that was furnished and available, and I decided to take advantage after reading an article Rick wrote about creating space if the unfaithful wasn't in a headspace that was safe for me and my recovery. We still communicate daily, and see each other on weekends. She is struggling with everything an Unfaithful struggles with, and I get that. I made the decision to separate in order to give her the space she needs to gain some clarity. I'm sure many betrayed have felt the same fear that I have now, and I'd really like to hear some feedback on how you handled it. My great fear is that, while she is gaining clarity during the separation, she will decide NOT to recommit. That, to me, would hurt almost as much as the affair. As Rick points out time and again, she is in no mental condition to be making a decision like that at this stage of the process. It's not possible for her to see me, and our marriage, in a positive light this soon after ending her affair. According to the Recovery Timeline, it will be many months before either of us has a proper perspective to make a decision regarding the continuation or ending of the marriage. My question is this - what can I do during this separation to insure that my marriage will get the chance it deserves? Do I not talk about it, and hope she comes to the correct conclusion? Do I talk about it and gently mention the reality of the recovery timeline? I honestly don't know what to do or say right now...

It's been nearly a year since I exposed my wife's 2-year emotional affair with the youth pastor at our church. During this time, we have been going to marital counseling almost weekly and she is seeing an individual counselor about twice a month on the side.

She is still in the marriage by being physically at home, but the disconnect is still so huge in our relationship. And even though she is the one who stepped outside the marital boundaries, her issues with me have left her with walls up that are constantly going up at every little slight or mistake on my part, so it feels like we are just spinning our wheels.

She says she is staying in the marriage, "out of obedience to God," and says she hopes that someday she will "fall in love" with me again. She says she loves me but is not "in love" with me and she offers no words of affirmation (which has been a huge thing throughout our marriage with her critical and negative nature) and doesn't allow me to hold hands, cuddle on the couch or in bed, kiss on the lips or hug. All the balls are in her court and I feel like I am daily walking on pins and needles not to tip the apple cart and start back at square one.

It has been frustrating to say the least. I know I am not perfect in any way and am working on behaviors that helped drive her away in our marriage and led her to disconnect over the past 5 to 6 years, but I still love and cherish this woman and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel like the shoe is always about ready to drop and she will just pack up and leave when she no longer feels she can remain "obedient" to God to stay in our relationship and feels she can't be happy.

She has been working on pressing into God in her personal relationship with Him over the past 3 years (ironically it was the youth pastor who was helping her discover God at a deeper level -- while they were both stepping outside in emotional intimacy) and I am working on my relationship with God, too. She says all she wants is for me to just relax in Christ and that will be the man she desires.

But the disconnect hangs around and the tension remains and there is very little joy or happiness where our relationship stands right now. Please pray that God can soften her heart to some day cherish, respect and fall "in love" with me again. I really don't want to lose this woman that I love so very much!

I am merely surviving. We have been married almost 38 years and Dday 1 was 3 and a half years ago. Dday 2 was almost 2 years ago, Dday 3 was a month ago in which another detail emerged, one that could adversely affect my health. I would say that, for my part, I am emotionally divorced. I am only staying in the marriage because I am 60 years old, too old to start over, and frankly, I will never trust another man in a relationship again, so why bother to leave the marriage and go through all the lawyers and court fees to get a divorce? I have been the one driving our recovery for the 3 and a half years ( he has only joined in reluctantly and half-heartedly) and I am too exhausted both mentally and physically to go on trying to make things better. He is only doing the very least he can do to be able to say he is "trying". He is not helping me heal because he doesn't want to talk about the affair or my feelings. He shuts me down. As far as I'm concerned, we can just live as roommates. I am good at faking it. He will never have my whole heart, my trust, or my respect ever again, but I can pretend normal indefinitely. I have tried to let it go, hand it over to God, tell myself that I forgive, but deep in my heart, I really haven't forgiven. How does a person forgive the fact that over half the marriage and a third on her life is now one big lie??? I guess if he would have worked the programs with a true heart instead of begrudgingly in the first place, I might feel differently, but now I'm past the point of caring and I'm just trying to get through until he cheats again or one of us dies. I know this sounds all sad and unnecessary, but I can't change how I feel and this is my choice---one that I did not ask for or ever envision that I would one day have to make. I am just trying to get through each day with the least amount of pain possible. This is my new normal. I think that after 3 and a half years, I should be doing better, and to the outside workd, I DO look better...but my heart is NOT better. I still hurt terribly and some days am still in disbelief that this ordeal is truly real and not a night mare I can awaken from. A life of extraordinary meaning and purpose flew out the window with his last deception. I will survive, not thrive. Sad way to live out the final decades of your life, isn't it....but it is what it is. I am trying to find happiness elsewhere with grandkids, travel, church, etc. and sometimes I am able to put the affair crap in the back burner for a while, but it never goes away, and the hurt and anger never go away.

This is my street address, I am afraid I have been here for years now before discovering about my husbands many affairs! Inwardly I got so tired of the constant "corrective thinking" my unfaithful spouse has issued to me, I was not confrontational at all and saw all the signs of inappropriateness with other women. My heart is broken as I have just started recovery with harboring hope and tommorrow my husband and I will have our second marriage counseling EVER in 2 years. We have agreed to "living in peace" until we can decide with a counselor is reconciling is possible. I have great anxiety about tommorrow and not sure what to do in the marriage session.

I am touched and can agree with Rick's article, but sadly I can relate to aspects in all 3 of the comments written. I won't bother to share my version of the devastation. I so appreciate the authenticity of each broken / burned heart that shared. I am doing all that I know to do, and trusting that God will either give me what I need or show me when to leave. It's a journey I never chose to take, but I "do have choices" as I walk forward. I want to make decisions prayerfully and carefully, because I know that every choice has consequences - not just for me, but for many. I also know that every choice I make is a reflection of what is inside of me.

I have been fighting to save my marriage since the day of discovery on March 9, 2012. With a whirlwind of emotions, I knew it was not the right time to make any decision that would impact the rest of my life one way or another. At that time I thought I had all the information, but it was one of these cases where he only gave me bit by bit, as he felt I needed to know. I was at a point where I didn't know where the "disconnect" was coming from. Was it me? Was it the financial pressures? Was it having his mother living with us? Was it just in my head - I even thought it was me going thru menopause (which I was not). So many things that could have been putting pressure on our marriage, but then I found the phone calls. And texts. All there on the Verizon detail page. The alarm went off when on the previous month Valentines day he had a 1 hour long conversation with someone. And text messages during our Valentines Day dinner out. After not much research (he didn't do much to hide things), I connected the dots and it all came to the surface. A former coworker that he had an affair with during his previous marriage (a very recent admission). Kept in touch with her after his divorce and kept in touch with her after we married. They would see each other during the day for extended "lunches". Things continued to escalate until I was out of town at which he took advantage of that and spent the day and night with her. All of this being revealed a little at a time of course. At the initial confrontation he proclaimed his "friendship" with her and at first did not want to break it off. They had worked together many years previously and had remained in contact with her. Initially he told me it was only a friendship. Couple months later he then said they had gone out, but nothing happened. He continued with that defense for about 4 months. Couple months later he admitted to it having been a one-time sexual encounter and he said he was going to let things fall where they may. His actions continued to resonate the message of disconnect by his lack of effort to fix things and move forward. I even went as far as providing a book, website, a personal list of things I needed from him, a casual post nup agreement. Nothing. He read maybe 30 pages of the 400+ page book, don't think he researched the website, only did one thing on the list. Flash forward 3 years, little to no effort being made. He wanted to pretend it never happened and when I would need to discuss things due to triggers, he would become very defensive. I finally decided the only way for me to move forward is to take care of myself. It has now been 4 years, 2 months since the initial discovery and he still thinks that just by being here all should be fine and there is nothing more he can do. We moved out of state, however his job has him traveling all over, which doesn't help our situation. He fails to see why I need him to be transparent and communicate everything to me. He is now about an hour away from her. Do I think he will or has contact with her? Yes. The trust has not been rebuilt and he fails at making the effort. I have no more energy to put into this and feel I am now 6 months into the emotionally divorced state. I can say I have given this every bit of time for him to heal. For me to understand both sides. And for some effort (like the story of the ground zero proposal) to have been made. I would have given our 20 year marriage one more chance. Given him the trust. But his continued minimal efforts are just not enough. I am now just ready to let go and heal myself. I feel I have to forgive myself first for allowing this to happen, to happen for so long, and I have to set the example for my grown daughter so she knows this is not acceptable behavior from a husband. Affairs don't just diminish your self esteem, they erode any love and respect in the relationship. So yeah, can't help but feel emotionally divorced.

I've read everyone's comments, and the article was very touching. I was in the position the gentleman was in while in New York. Wanting new rings and remarrying. My wife stepped out on me, while I was going through the process to have Open Heart surgery. 7 months I waited for this surgery, and not a concern from her. To find out about her affair only after the surgery, a stroke and realizing I knew the person who is also married with 3 kids. They work together, and the other coached and taught our daughter in school. Real personal to me and towards me. It's been 2 years now, and I've been going through the Gautlet so to speak. I didn't tell his wife, the job or even make a threat to. I gave them both to God. A new problem became more trouble with now the involvement of a girlfriend, taking her in and out of house to bring her home in the wee hours of the morning. I trust nothing she says or do, and it's just where it is because of her actions and involvement with girlfriend and him. They still work together and in close company with each other. So, as it stands, this marraige was over a while back. I honor and love GOD, and know that His plan is for no one to live unhappy and surely not be lied to and mistreated. I've turned the other cheek after lies and deceit. Now, I must move forward and live my life as best I can and pray that I will one day be able to give myself over to another without the pain of this creeping back in. "New Heart, New Me," I'd rather not be still married and emotionally divorce with someone I don't rust with my heart no more.

This really made me think… Hard..are we really real recommitted? God I hope so. But I'm scared to put too much hope into it. How can a man – my promise keeper faithful husband be having all of these affairs for nine years.... But actually the discovery of his disgusting behavior for me – in the long run – turned out to be a blessing still not fully realized. I have been in abused spouse for the entire marriage off and on vicious verbal fighting disgusting Name-calling and physical abuse, ending in sexual abuse, to which I said that's it! No one will ever treat me like that again. The verbal abuse never stopped but he went on to find other females with which to act out his sexual fantasies. My recovery didn't start until the EMS weekend February 2016. Even though the discovery DDay was late December 2014. That was 13/14 months of pure living hell – I completely lost my mind. I behaved in ways I never thought possible – and I believe to this day I am still suffering the consequences physically and mentally as well as emotionally from the devastation. Working hard to try and recover… But I can't seem to pull out of this nosedive of depression and out insecurity and fear. Oh I have my moments where I seem to be OK… But it never lasts. Try to keep God on the forefront of all things Christ Jesus is my Lord and my savior – how long Oh Lord?? … How long will this desperation and fear anxiety, And sense of hopelessness last? We're doing the program we're answering the questions were doing what we're supposed to do, some days it's OK - but when I am alone… The weight the darkness the overt sadness the crushing blow a betrayal seems to get bigger I have avoided taking antidepressants – because they kill your sex drive… Well if your whole marriage depends on getting laid… Then is it really a marriage? Being in our mid 60s sex is just not a priority – At least that's how I feel at this moment. Maybe it's his priority - it's not mine. Right now… I just want to survive…at least suicidal thoughts are gone and the overt presence of The evil darkness is gone.... Now it's day by day sometimes hour by hour – all of this heavy emotional garbage has made me physically ill – fibromyalgia is starting to reemerge after being gone for many many years… How deep does this rabbit hole go…?

Hello,
I would like to know why it's important to give a full disclosure. My husband had an affair with a previous co-worker and we are in counseling. We are working with our second counselor as the first one didn't meet my needs. She felt it was important to talk a lot about my husband's childhood and parents. She never asked the question "why" nor did she ask for a disclosure. We are now working with another counselor and we've met with him 4 times. He has not asked for a full disclosure and said it was dangerous to do so.