Hurt and Anger

"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."
-Marcus Aurelius

I spoke with an angry man tonight. I actually hurt for him. He had an affair about 2 years ago, and since then he has been trying to gain his wife’s forgiveness. It hasn’t worked. Sometimes it doesn’t. What is sad isn’t her inability to forgive, but the fact that the bitterness resulting from what has occurred is destroying them both. In her hurt, rather than letting go and moving on, it seems she has tried to hurt him as badly as he has hurt her. She may have finally succeeded. What should I say to them?

Because of the way she’s treated him, he believes his wife is either mentally ill or she is just plain evil. He has trouble seeing the third option. She is expressing hurt as destructive anger. Typically, anger is a secondary emotion. Behind the veil of anger, frequently you will find guilt, feelings of inadequacy, fear and/or hurt. Anger is the emotion that we often use to deal with painful feelings. Anger empowers us, motivates us, and strengthens us. It can even help protect us, but it can also kill us and those we hold dear. It isn’t uncommon, when we are wounded by a loved one, to feel that primitive rage that is programmed into the core of our being.

Physiologically we are wired for survival. When in danger, we have a natural reaction of hyper-arousal where our body prepares for personal defense or escape. We experience a burst of energy and anxiety. While that physiological reaction is useful in times of physical danger, it can be difficult to control when it’s an emotional interaction with another person. In a less civilized era, the “fight or flight” response kept us alive in a hostile world, but in modern times, if left unchecked, it will cause problems.

For those suffering from a betrayal, the pain can trigger that primal fight or flight response. But hopefully, there are internal checks and balances that keep anger from becoming a destructive force. Other emotions such as love, compassion, respect, and integrity can help form a safety net that prevents anger from going out of control. As I said, the anger is not the problem; it’s how anger is expressed that causes problems.

Anger can be viewed in a continuum from aggressive to passive-aggressive. When anger is expressed through aggression, we either cease to care whether our actions will hurt someone else, or sometimes we actually intend to cause harm. When we display passive-aggressive anger, we do what we know will drive the other person crazy. For example if our mate wants to talk, we’ll just give him/her the silent treatment. Either way, through such expressions of anger, we move away from our natural desire to be caring and loving individuals. We allow ourselves to act in ways that are completely contrary to the way we actually want to be. I’ve met very few individuals who profess wanting to be an instrument of destruction in the lives of others. Rather, most of us hope to be a blessing to others.

So what goes wrong? For some it’s a matter of a belief system. They may believe in an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. According to such a belief, destructive anger is justified, even necessary, for restoring the balance of fairness. But by exacting revenge from others, you wound yourself and become a little less human by doing so. He or she hurt me and deserves to be hurt in return. It appeals to our human sense of justice. But this type of response is not ever driven by love. The men who flew the planes into the twin towers and the Pentagon also thought this way. They acted according to their sense of justice and did what they thought was right, but it was an act totally void of love or compassion.

If you claim to be a Christian and feel that destructive anger is justified, and you act on that anger, then you break the one commandment Jesus gave concerning relating to others - “love each other.” For some people, it’s a force of habit. They just never learned how to control their overwhelming feelings of anger. Instead, they allow the feelings to freely spew onto those around them. Some may actually find themselves powerless to control the impulse to wound and to hurt. For such individuals, anger may have become an addiction. Some people are only responding the way others treated them earlier in life. Regardless of the reason, it is not OK. It may seem justifiable given life’s circumstances and the hurt that has occurred, but it’s not. Difficult as it may be, destructive anger needs to be controlled.

Let me state again that anger is not the problem. Who wouldn’t be hurt and angry if betrayed, slighted, or rejected by a loved one? But anger needs to be expressed assertively not aggressively. The truth needs to be spoken, but it needs to be spoken in love, not in a fit of rage with the intent to destroy. There is no glory in attacking a mate who has taken responsibility for a wrong done and who is trying to make amends. It may help bring momentary relief, but in the long run, it leaves only an empty and alone feeling. No amount of torture will be sufficient to stop the pain that was initially inflicted. Furthermore, the torture performed as a response to that pain will leave both parties in a worse state than before. It will ultimately cost you all you hold dear.

You may be asking, “How can I ever be with someone who has betrayed me?” and that’s a great question. The answer will never be found in fits of rage. You may not choose to be with the one who betrayed you. Your mate may fail to accept responsibility for what has happened which may leave you feeling unsafe. He or she may choose to abandon you, leaving you few choices. You may feel incapable of getting beyond the pain or you may have lost the desire to be with your mate. These are all possible outcomes. But if you continue to respond with integrity and honor, respect and love, then at the very least, when all is said and done, you will have your own self-respect and life intact.

When thinking about the couple at the beginning of this article, I grieve that he failed her and himself by breaking his vows to his wife. I grieve the fact that she was unable to control her anger and so wounded herself, her husband and her children. I grieve the fact that now his anger has become destructive and is costing him his self-respect and causing him to respond in ways he never wanted. I grieve the fact that anger destroyed what they both wanted. Since they have been living in this horrible cycle of anger for two years, we can assume that they both actually want the marriage. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have stayed around for two years, enduring her destructive anger, and she wouldn’t have hung in there for two years destroying herself and her husband. But I’m afraid this destructive cycle of anger and hurt may have caused far more damage than the betrayal, and caused each to become someone or something they never wanted to be. But anger will do that.

July 2007