Pimping Tenderness & Grooming Behaviors Years ago, John entered my office requesting help for his dilemma: "Women are always coming on to me," he began, "and my wife is really upset about it. What can I do?" Puzzled, I asked him to give me examples. I assured him I was better looking than him and didn't have the same problem. I said, "There must be something more going on." John said, "Well, one woman came into my office today, kicked off her shoes, came behind my desk and began to give me a back rub." "Really?" I replied, "Give me another example." "Well at the little league game on Saturday, I was sitting in the stands watching my son play when a woman came up and sat beside me. She gave me a great big hug and said she was counting the hours until she saw me at the game." "Incredible," I responded, "I've been to a lot of little league games and I've never had that happen. Did you happen to know these women?" I've always been amazed at how naïve people tend to be when it comes to the birds and the bees. It's as if they have no clue how things get started. Of course, John knew these women, but his blindness to his own behaviors continually put him at high risk for an affair. Upon further investigation, I discovered his secret: he was the master of compliments. John had an incredible photographic memory. Each day, he would go around the office and compliment the women on their dress. If they wore a new set of clothes, he noticed. If they changed anything about their hair, he made a comment. If they had a new set of earrings, he took note. Even if they changed the color of their nail polish, he'd point it out. I suspect that for most of these women, there had never been a man, including their own husbands, who had been so attentive to them. For that reason, John had a constant stream of women coming by his office or approaching him out in public. As you work to uncover the behaviors that led you here, the Hope for Healing course can serve as a trustworthy guide providing a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal, find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward an extraordinary life. Learn More | Hope For Healing! These behaviors are called grooming behaviors. They are words or actions that cause someone to be drawn to the person. For men, that behavior is what I call "pimping tenderness." It is a man's way of stirring emotion and affection in a woman in order to draw her attention. All a man has to do is feign interest, pay attention, give compliments, and know it or not, the game is on. For women, grooming behaviors may involve flirting or certain ways of dressing. "What's wrong with flirting?" some will ask. For a single person, there is nothing wrong with the dance of courtship between two interested people. But the man or woman who is committed to a spouse and displaying these grooming behaviors is literally playing with fire. Even if in the beginning of a playful encounter there is honestly no interest in the other person, the emotions generated by a flirty conversation may well lead to rogue desires that threaten to destroy the lives of many. Below are a few examples of the types of grooming behaviors I see most frequently. The Rescuer: The Rescuer sees an opportunity to be overly concerned with a crisis or unmet need in a member of the opposite sex. This person will go out of their way to help them and save them from a situation they may not even know they need rescuing from. The Rescuer sees a need and seeks to meet that need for the purpose of drawing attention to themselves as a savior or hero. The Protector: The Protector generates feelings of safety and security in order to woo those around them. You may hear a protector say things like, "I would never let someone treat you like that," "I can't believe someone would do that to you," and "How could anyone ever do that to someone as sweet as you?" The Protector assumes a role they've not been given in order to win affection and admiration. The Flirter: The Flirter seeks any and every opportunity to affirm, encourage, and flirt with others. This person looks for insecurities with an awareness of their ability to take that insecurity and affirm its counterpart. The Flirter loves to be in the right place at the right time in order to create feelings of security and to make the other person feel "special." They like to use statements like, "As beautiful as you are, I'm just not sure how that would ever be a problem." The Complimenter: This person is like John in my opening example. He or she notices, with impeccable awareness, new clothes, talents, or any changes in jewelry or hair style. The Complimenter is extremely observant and seeks to affirm through conversational applause. They also seek to utilize empathetic validation, showing care and concern for what others have or are currently enduring in order to show themselves to be a safe place for validation and safety. The Revealer: The Revealer loves to share secrets or create an air of emotional intimacy with their revelations. We often see this type of grooming behavior with old flames from years past. From a Revealer, you'll hear things like, "I always had a secret crush on you," or "I never told you this, but you always made me feel special." The Revealer looks to unleash hidden feelings of affection in order to tap into attachment bonds from years earlier. This person also likes to tell secrets about themselves to create a perceived vulnerability. This creates short-term trust and intimacy. The Encourager: The Encourager seeks to find any opportunity to build up members of the opposite sex as a type of manipulation. From affirmation to simple praise, their desire is to shift the person's focus from their own success to the Enoucrager. It's also an attempt to establish a bond which drives that person to continually seek out the Encourager whenever they need a boost in self-esteem. While meeting the short-term needs of each party, the Encourager also lays groundwork for the future intimacy that will continue to be reestablished each time encouragement or validation is needed. Are Grooming Behaviors Harming Your Relationship? Couples recovering from the betrayal of infidelity need a culture of safety in order for healing and re-engagement to begin. Creating that environment requires effort on the parts of both spouses. Examine how you interact with other people. You may be totally unaware of the existence of high-risk, grooming behaviors. If you are unsure if you display any of these grooming behaviors, then ask your mate to point out anything they perceive as risky. Most people tend to get defensive if their mate shares they are witnessing risky or grooming behaviors. That's because we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, and we judge others by our actions. Since we don't feel we have corrupt intentions when interacting with others, it seems "harmless" to us to be showing a desire for connection with others. After all, you're "just friends." The danger lies in the probability of the positive attention you receive in return for these grooming behaviors catching you by surprise and stirring rogue desires in either person. At the very least, risky behaviors can leave the other mate feeling unsafe and uncared for. My friend's wife described this feeling succinctly. They were grocery shopping when a tall, gorgeous blonde seemed to stride past them at the turn of every aisle. The wife didn't say a word to her husband as he continued to gawk at the woman. When they finally made it to the car, she said to him, "I saw you staring at a tall, blonde woman in the produce section." The husband had learned in recovery not to get defensive or try to cover his tracks, so he replied, "Yeah, and in the dairy and meat sections too." He was waiting for the lecture, for the yelling, for the scene, but what his wife did instead crushed his spirit. She looked up at him and replied with an air of defeat, "I wish you would save some of those looks for me." Those who are in the habit of displaying these grooming behaviors, be willing to lay down your perceived rights for the sake of the relationship. This may include your perceived right to flirt, encourage, compliment, or even to get your legitimate needs met in an illegitimate way with members of the opposite gender. You may feel your mate needs to "get over it" and that this is just how you are. Perhaps, instead, we need to grow in our capacity to love and learn to care about both the feelings we may be creating in our mate and the feelings we may be stirring in ourselves and others. Just because it's the way you've always done things or the way you've always been does NOT make it a safe, loving, or appropriate act. If you'd like help learning how to protect your relationship or you wish you could better understand how you got to this place in the first place, join us at an EMS Weekend. You won't leave the same person! Sections: Must ReadNewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: For The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseRebuilding TrustRecovery FundamentalsRelapse PreventionStrengthening MarriageWhy They Did ItRL_Media Type: Text
