The Importance of a Mentor

As a boy I took a course in lifesaving. This may come as a surprise to some, but I actually passed it. I even remember “rule #1,” never, never, never get into the water with a drowning person. Trying to save a drowning person can well result in your own death. Not that they intend to drown you, but at the moment of crisis they’ll grab whatever possible in a frantic attempt to keep from going under. If you’re nearby, then you just might be the most convenient available platform. Survival instincts can cause us to respond in unnatural ways.

Strangely enough, couples are a lot like drowning swimmers. It’s not that they are trying to hurt anyone, but in a frantic attempt to keep from drowning, they have a strange tendency to use their mate, hurting them in the process. Rarely do I meet people whom I consider evil. Generally, each party in a relationship is genuinely liked and respected by friends and peers. Only in the context of their own marriage do they struggle. When you feel that you’re going down for the last time, it’s hard to have a calm and rational response set. Instead, you are desperately trying to survive.

I believe it’s good to have a “lifeguard” as we swim the swift currents of marriage. I define this as someone who has training and experience in the art of throwing a lifeline, someone who has been in the water and knows how to survive and who knows how to get you to a safe place.

For this very reason, the “ARC Mentorship” program was created. When you are in life’s biggest crisis, it’s incredibly helpful to have someone who has “been there and done that.” This person knows what it’s like to be drowning and can throw you a life line, giving hope in what seems a hopeless situation.

In our recovery, the couples reaching out to us made all the difference. Thankfully, God placed knowledgeable couples in our path who had successfully navigated the difficult currents created by betrayal. They spoke hope and were an inspiration in the fact that they had survived the most difficult circumstance either of us could imagine. They helped us understand what to do. They prayed for us. They cried with us. They celebrated with us. Bottom line, they made the journey with us and poured life and hope into our struggling hearts.

The only problem is, where do you find a good “lifeguard” when you need one? How do you locate someone who has had the necessary training? It’s not necessarily a therapist or counselor. Please don’t think I’m saying the services of a professional are not necessary. Frequently the services of professionals are imperative for a couple to survive. There are times, however, when due to their lack of personal experience, professionals may not have the skills or the understanding of what you are going through. As Francis Shaeffer said:

"Only the one who has been hurt can bring healing. The other person cannot. It is the one who has been hurt who has to be willing to be hurt again to show love, if there is to be hope that healing will come.”

It needs to be someone who truly knows what you’re going through and who has, if possible, been through your circumstance. Someone who understands the magnitude of the fear, the pain, and the instability. The person who has survived a betrayal and rediscovered life after infidelity may be closer than you know.

Recognizing the great benefit that hurting couples can receive from others who have already walked this difficult road, The Affair Recovery Center has formed a mentor network for our online community. We pair our members with an individual or couple who has been through a similar situation. All of our mentors have already gone through what you’re experiencing, and are standing by to reach out to those who are traveling the same difficult road. You don’t have to be alone. Whether through the ARC or elsewhere, there are others who are willing to reach out a hand to you.

Learn more about the ARC online mentors

October 2007