Affair Partners: Eight Reasons Not to Confront Them
Last week, while I was running an errand, I happened to run into one of our online course group leaders. We began to discuss one of my recent articles. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond to it!
It was a fascinating conversation and one that included, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?"
Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner, I tell them, "Don't!" Rarely have I seen any benefit to it. In fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm coming out of such conversations.
What is the driving force behind the compulsion to speak to or confront the affair partner? Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to get out of our spouse/partner.
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Learn More | Hope For Healing!Here are 8 reasons to NOT confront the affair partner:
- Affair partners can lie. It is interesting how often a hurting mate believes the affair partner will tell them the truth and sorrowfully see the error of their ways once they realize the pain they have caused. It is far more common for the affair partner to lie and manipulate the situation.
- How much information do you really want? If you think you might be able to get more information from the affair partner, you're probably right; but it might not be the information you want to hear. If you're married, then you've probably already experienced that you and your mate have different subjective realities. You might have vastly different recollections of certain events. For that reason alone, you could gain a different perspective by talking to the affair partner. At the same time, if all you are gaining is details about a specific event, you're not gaining anything substantial. It's already difficult to process the information from the perspective of your mate, much less adding to that the perspective of the affair partner.
- Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. One of the most difficult pieces of an affair is to discern motive. Frequently, there is a compulsion to discover why this has happened. One thing I can tell you for certain: the answer does not lie with the affair partner. All too often, I've worked with people who have talked with the affair partner and made the mistake of assuming their motives must have been the same as the motives of their mate, or they assume the affair partner can tell them their mate's motive for the affair. In reality, the affair partner has created an illusion of what your mate's motives are, so please, don't think the causes and motives of the affair partner match those of your mate.
- Vengeance doesn't work. When you're really hurting, it's tempting to think about making the other party experience the same pain that you're experiencing. The only problem is that this course of action lowers you to their level and results in self-inflicted injuries. Don't compromise your personal integrity by acting in ways you normally would find inappropriate. Injuring another will never bring the peace you seek, and it will only lengthen the amount of time it's going to take to heal.
- Don't gratify their hostility. You don't want to act in ways that allow the other person to believe your mate was justified in coming to them.
- Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. One of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see that you're a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. Personally, I don't think you're going to have any more luck getting them to understand that than you've had at getting your mate to realize it. The defense mechanisms put into place to justify the affair in the first place are most likely still in place after discovery. You alone are not going to be the person capable of breaking through their denial.
- It tends to perpetuate the problem. If your mate is trying to break off the relationship with their affair partner, then talking with them doesn't help the process. In fact, it is almost guaranteed to create more contact. They'll either contact your mate telling them to have you back off, or they'll use your contact as a way to try and guilt your mate into staying with them. The goal is to break off the relationship, not to perpetuate the fight.
- You are not lacking anything. At times, curiosity drives the desire for contact. You may be asking, "What does the other person have that I don't?" or "Why would my mate choose them over me?" I seriously doubt you'll ever find the answer to those questions by contacting the other person. Motivations for affairs are complex; meeting the "other person" will normally not answer your question(s). In reality, talking to them is far more likely to confuse the issues. In my work, I've found that people always "affair down;" they never have an affair with someone better than the person with whom they're married. I'd suggest not lowering yourself to their level by interacting with them. Have respect for yourself.
After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery – that is much more productive. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind.
If you have been unfaithful and are trying to unravel all of the details, I hope you'll consider our Hope for Healing course for those who have been wayward. It'll help you identify the patterns that got you here so you can be safer for those you love in the future.
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Comments
I confronted and glad I did!
I'm the type of person that needs honest answers. My confronting is not done out of anger, I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. Why? Because my husband is a LIAR and I don't believe a word he says. So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. She was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together. We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. Anyhoo, am I hurt of course! Angry, you bet! But I'm glad I can but a nail in this coffin. Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. You have to know who you are and what you can handle. Me? I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. But thank God I know!
Not confront them
Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months.
Mine lives on our Street. Not
In reply to Not confront them by Kittie
Mine lives on our Street. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. Hold on for two months. I have to wait for a half year. The are so arrogant when they had the affair. So so arrogant. I hope you get by.
I sure hate you were forced…
In reply to Not confront them by Kittie
I sure hate you were forced tough it out and live in the same place where you see his punk ass all the time and have to keep it together and not beat him up every time he ran into you, my hats off to you for not making him disappear or something,I envy your restrain and self control, anyway you lived to tale the awful memory
confronting affair partner
I confronted my husband's affair partner. I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. She likes attention and drama. That said, I would not recommend it and I won't do it again. She does not deserve the recognition. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. He is to blame because he would not say no. So...for really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. I just feel like this is the best solution to give me peace of mind.
Blessings to all the betrayed out there. It really is the worst!
I had a different experience
I didn't want any details from the AP - he was 15 years older, weak, and very unattractive. My wife affaired waaay down. I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. He was shaking for our entire conversation and got the message. I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. lol. I did learn some details from his wife after her conversations with him, however, that my wife had been lying about, which was helpful. What a s$%&show.
my story
This is the way mine went down . My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her office...the same office and job she had during her affair. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . This was in June of 2017 . The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. My wife and I are doing very well but still see him all over town daily .
Harrassment in a coffee cup.
I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. It was easy for her to manipulate his schedule in order for them to spend time together. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. I believe my healing restarted every other day. That was and still is the most painful experience I have ever endured. Over the 7 weeks ( which is today) I tried 4 times to contact her. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. My husband claimed she called it off. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. To protect her. She sent him a nasty gram including things like " I was forced to listen to her message" that she "almost felt sad for me listening to my voice" and when I asked her for "conformation of status" in my message she replied to him with "That girl has trust issues" he didn't reply. He allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. That I forgave her. She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. That we two have serious problems and good luck. Again he didn't reply. He didn't stand up for us. Two days later because I was in the same town as she was I text her and asked if she would be willing to meet for coffee. No response this time. Any how. Two more weeks go by with no contact. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. My husbands job was about to dictate him to be working out of the town he and his AP spent time in on a two week gone one week home schedule for the next three months. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. So I planned to go with him for one of his away weeks. The AP learned I was to be in town and called the police. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. No trial, no investigation and proof. I feel like I have been run over by a train. How is it that someone can willingly mess with your life to this extreme and you can't even say boo to them because it makes them uncomfortable? Completely unfair.
confronting affair partner
Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. The bottom line is that anyone who would knowingly sleep with a married man (or woman) especially when the wife is PREGNANT (as in my case) is a broken human being. Everything went down just like the post mentioned. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Wow. Just Wow. This girl is delusional. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." But today, one year later, her comments still haunt me, I won't lie. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. How do I get past my disdain for this other person? I'm hoping that time will heal.
I am loving this exact situation now (almost)
In reply to confronting affair partner by hurt-in-sea
I read your comment and it broke my heart I too am now going through the same thing 3 months pp I was wondering if you were able to work past it and save your marriage?
October 23rd (when the final
October 23rd (when the final email conversation took place with my husbands ap) was one of the MOST difficult days of my life. The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! I feel a true sense of completion now. Like it has ended. Like I have won! Like my husband stood up to defend my honor, becquse we did Iit together! I am vindicated! We've turned a page. We CAN FINALLY move forward! I can honestly say now that i have forgiven my husband, and that feels so good. I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. Only God can make this work. For me, it has helped immensely. My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. It was true, I DID have to have them. So that now when I do think of one of the horrible details, all I feel is victory!!!
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