Last week, while I was running an errand, I happened to run into one of our online course group leaders. We began to discuss one of my recent articles. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond to it!

It was a fascinating conversation and one that included, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?"

Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner, I tell them, "Don't!" Rarely have I seen any benefit to it. In fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm coming out of such conversations.

What is the driving force behind the compulsion to speak to or confront the affair partner? Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to get out of our spouse/partner.

Here are 8 reasons to NOT confront the affair partner:

1. Affair partners can lie. It is interesting how often a hurting mate believes the affair partner will tell them the truth and sorrowfully see the error of their ways once they realize the pain they have caused. It is far more common for the affair partner to lie and manipulate the situation.
2. How much information do you really want? If you think you might be able to get more information from the affair partner, you're probably right; but it might not be the information you want to hear. If you're married, then you've probably already experienced that you and your mate have different subjective realities. You might have vastly different recollections of certain events. For that reason alone, you could gain a different perspective by talking to the affair partner. At the same time, if all you are gaining is details about a specific event, you're not gaining anything substantial. It's already difficult to process the information from the perspective of your mate, much less adding to that the perspective of the affair partner.
3. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. One of the most difficult pieces of an affair is to discern motive. Frequently, there is a compulsion to discover why this has happened. One thing I can tell you for certain: the answer does not lie with the affair partner. All too often, I've worked with people who have talked with the affair partner and made the mistake of assuming their motives must have been the same as the motives of their mate, or they assume the affair partner can tell them their mate's motive for the affair. In reality, the affair partner has created an illusion of what your mate's motives are, so please, don't think the causes and motives of the affair partner match those of your mate.
4. Vengeance doesn't work. When you're really hurting, it's tempting to think about making the other party experience the same pain that you're experiencing. The only problem is that this course of action lowers you to their level and results in self-inflicted injuries. Don't compromise your personal integrity by acting in ways you normally would find inappropriate. Injuring another will never bring the peace you seek, and it will only lengthen the amount of time it's going to take to heal.
5. Don't gratify their hostility. You don't want to act in ways that allow the other person to believe your mate was justified in coming to them.
6. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. One of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see that you're a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. Personally, I don't think you're going to have any more luck getting them to understand that than you've had at getting your mate to realize it. The defense mechanisms put into place to justify the affair in the first place are most likely still in place after discovery. You alone are not going to be the person capable of breaking through their denial.
7. It tends to perpetuate the problem. If your mate is trying to break off the relationship with their affair partner, then talking with them doesn't help the process. In fact, it is almost guaranteed to create more contact. They'll either contact your mate telling them to have you back off, or they'll use your contact as a way to try and guilt your mate into staying with them. The goal is to break off the relationship, not to perpetuate the fight.
8. You are not lacking anything. At times, curiosity drives the desire for contact. You may be asking, "What does the other person have that I don't?" or "Why would my mate choose them over me?" I seriously doubt you'll ever find the answer to those questions by contacting the other person. Motivations for affairs are complex; meeting the "other person" will normally not answer your question(s). In reality, talking to them is far more likely to confuse the issues. In my work, I've found that people always "affair down;" they never have an affair with someone better than the person with whom they're married. I'd suggest not lowering yourself to their level by interacting with them. Have respect for yourself.

After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery – that is much more productive. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind.

If you have been unfaithful and are trying to unravel all of the details, I hope you'll consider our Hope for Healing course for those who have been wayward. It'll help you identify the patterns that got you here so you can be safer for those you love in the future.