Hello,
I wish we weren't meeting this way. I am sorry and I want to (spiritually) meet you right where you are.
I want to encourage you today. I want to tell you who I was before my affair and I want to tell you who I am now. The person I am today, the one writing you this letter, was revealed to me during the darkest time of my life, through lots of prayer, daily trials and deep healing through healthy relationships.
I am writing this at the request of one of the amazing women in my AR group, who shaped many of my prayers and thoughts and routines during our course. Those elements helped heal my heart one day at a time. I couldn't see it then, and you may be feeling the same, but you will.
Before my affair, I was a believer in God, but I did not know God nor did I understand the impact He could (and would) have in my life. I also didn't know what I didn't know. I could only...
After an affair, we can feel left for dead. It's like we're lepers, and the outside world seemingly refuses to be associated with us. It can happen to the unfaithful, but oddly enough, it can happen to the betrayed as well. Outside observers have no idea what to say to us, so rather than try, they typically will leave us alone out of discomfort, or be instructed to leave us alone by clergy, leadership or even family members. The truth is, those whose lives have been shattered by infidelity need more support after disclosure than ever before. But where do you go? Who can you trust? Samuel says quite often, "the right people will give you the right help and the right outcome." Finding the right community is often frustrating for those whose lives have been rocked by an affair, but if you're reading this, you have found a safe and expert-driven place for healing and...
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It is both difficult and precarious to measure growth related to something so deeply painful and personal. Even acknowledging progress produces a reflexive twinge, like somehow that diminishes the devastation I experienced. That is definitely not the case, but I think, at least for me, making sure I don't forget how bad it was is a defense mechanism to ensure I don't get hurt this way again. Also, growth is not linear and sometimes is subtle, so it can be hard to recognize.
So, expanding on what I described last time, sometimes we don't notice growth when we are holding on so tightly in an effort to protect ourselves and just get through the day. Recently, I came across an email I had written about a year ago. It was illuminating and made me see very clearly that I...
I've always been known by my smile. Well, after D-Day we weren't sure when, or even if, I would ever smile again. So, it was fitting that the verse of hope that God gave me was from Proverbs 31:25 "she shall rejoice in time to come" - another translation says "she laughs without fear of the future." In this episode, I'll share a devotion I wrote about how everything is falling apart, "but God..." filling in the blanks of my uncertainty with God's ability. This sent out an SOS and helped me acknowledge my pain, but gave me hope that although things may be temporarily troubled and tragic in my life, with God, I am eternally safe and secure. Pouring out my heart to God, and exchanging my pain for His promise, would prove to be how I would rejoice in time to come, and smile and laugh again without fear of the future. What a relief! I...
After the disclosure of infidelity or addiction, our futures feel incredibly uncertain. If there is one universal, common emotion or feeling after disclosure, it’s probably raw terror. Both partners experience it, but how do you work through it? How do you process it? Today, Samuel shares his own traumatic event that was filled with not only uncertainty and confusion, but raw panic and terror. In the halls of ‘healing from infidelity’ the word trauma has become somewhat of a buzzword. Trauma isn’t necessarily what happens to us, but what happens inside of us in response to a traumatic event, and I think we can all agree that infidelity or addiction of any sort is a traumatic event. Today you will hear practical and courageous insight from Samuel that you can also utilize in your own recovery timeline. The terror we’ve experienced in our own...
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In August of 2015, I was invited to Gateway Church for a reunion with past participants of the EMS program. To my delight, a married couple was leading worship together. My heart was deeply touched by their music.
Afterwards, I went up to introduce myself to those gifted musicians. After expressing my gratitude to Rodney and Angela, they shared their dream of using music to help others who are in recovery from infidelity. Five years later, I was thrilled when we were able to hire Rodney to join us at Affair Recovery. Since then, my heart's desire...
You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety.
~ Abraham Maslow
I don't know if I have said this yet, but when I talk to you about hope and recovery, I am also talking to myself. I am still on this journey too and I get discouraged, frustrated, angry, and sad, so I am also encouraging myself as I focus my thoughts in these blogs. I hope you don't mind me tagging along for the ride.
I was thinking the other day about all of this, and stopped for just a moment to take a look in the rear view mirror of recovery. Looking into the past is easy. I do that every single day and you...
When a spouse or partner has an affair, their next response is essential. Are they willing to do repair work? Are they willing to own what they need to own? Are they open to getting outside, expert help in an effort to see what they cannot see? It can be like walking a tightrope for either partner who is wanting to save the relationship, but isn't sure where the lines should be drawn to protect themselves, but also humble themselves and win back their partner. Unfaithful spouses can feel as though they are locked into a prison of punitive servitude for the remainder of the relationship. Betrayed spouses can feel like they will never measure up to the affair partner, and can feel a sense of anger, bitterness, and hurt for the remainder of the relationship. My friends, I am here to tell you that there is a better way. We can heal our...
"Did they make those horrible choices because their addiction or mental illness clouded their judgment?" "Was I too busy trying to help and support them to notice they'd stepped out of our marriage?" "Was their emotional detachment due to childhood abandonment issues or are they just unhappy in this relationship?"
Does any of this sound familiar to you? When the wayward spouse has diagnosed or suspected mental health/addiction issues, the betrayed partner can find themselves feeling as though they are the one losing their mind. Even in the absence of infidelity, marriage to a spouse with mental health and/or addiction challenges can strain even the strongest of unions.
Those of us who are highly invested in happily ever after, either in the Disney cultural sense or in the hard-working,...
Infidelity is life-changing, life-altering trauma for ourselves, our partners, and even our kids. We can feel “left for dead” immediately following disclosure, and it would seem almost no one truly knows how to support those of us in crisis due to infidelity or addiction. What’s vital is that we are there for ourselves. While it may seem like a hollow suggestion or a cheesy Hallmark card, it is key that we are able to understand the principle of caring for ourselves, despite the temptation to wallow in self-pity for days. Without an approach of personal healing and restoration, we struggle to see which way is up, and darkness appears to be our only comforting friend. The truth is, we can heal and we can rescue ourselves from the pit of despair and hopelessness. This chapter isn’t the best, or the rest of our lives, but we have the power to...
