Survivors' Blog

What does it mean to forgive yourself—especially in the wake of infidelity? Is self-forgiveness only for the wayward spouse, or is it an assignment for all of us? If you'd asked me that question before Discovery Day (D-Day), I would've said without hesitation: "Self-forgiveness? That's on the unfaithful partner to do that!" Not because I saw myself as the oh-so-perfect wife, but because I believed the person who chose to stray was the only one needing to seek forgiveness. While I suppose it may be the case in some marriages that self-forgiveness is only applicable to the wayward spouse, that was not true in my case. Struggling to forgive yourself and unsure of how to break free from the shame? This process is most transformative when walking alongside others on the same journey. Sign up for Hope for Healing and…

It's hard to escape it: cheating, affairs, and broken trust seem to be everywhere. Infidelity provides an endless source of drama for Hollywood filmmakers. But for those who've lived through it, a constant reminder of their deepest wounds does not feel like entertainment! It seems to be a universal plot line and unless you are watching the Netflix series, The Great British Baking Show or the latest animal documentary on Animal Planet, chances are really high that every time you grab that remote, you will see a scene that contains a reference to cheating. Sadly, anyone who has survived infidelity knows that when you're in the midst of the heartache and pain, having that very thing romanticized in your face can be extremely upsetting. A huge day for movie releases is Christmas Day, and one year, the lineup included a Nicole…

What is disclosure? If you're reading this, you likely understand the immense pain and confusion that secrets of infidelity bring. At Affair Recovery, we know that navigating the aftermath of betrayal is one of the hardest journeys a couple can face. One of the most challenging, yet critical, steps on the path to healing is disclosure, which is why we're conducting this brief survey. We want to be better equipped to help others through what is often described as the most painful part of a very painful process. Infidelity is, by nature, the keeping of secrets, and those secrets rob the betrayed spouse of their reality and choice. But bringing the truth into the light, through a guided and safe disclosure process, is where true healing can begin. Will you take a few minutes to fill out our anonymous Disclosure Survey? Your personal experience, whether you…

Do you know the number one question couples ask in recovery? I'll let you know in a moment, but first I want to share with you a story. When my middle daughter was in high school, she decided to be a cheerleader. I was fine with it; what type of trouble could she get into leading cheers, right? I remember sitting in the stands for the first game, waiting for her début as a cheerleader. What I failed to consider in my risk assessment was her size. Sopping wet, she might have tipped the scale at 90 pounds, which made her the perfect candidate for the “team flyer.” When they threw my munchkin into the air, Stephanie had to use restraints to keep me from running out to catch her. Now don't get me wrong; it's not the fact that the activity was risky. Since she was a feather weight, I had thrown her high in the air thousands of times. It’s just that I was the…

Have you ever wondered: Why can't I just get over this? Do you feel like you're constantly re-living the betrayal, even when you don't want to? Intrusive thoughts keep coming back and won't seem to go away. One minute you are ready to cut ties and move on, the next you're ready to fight for your relationship and work it out. Later that same day, you are kicking yourself for being caught up in the exact same mental and emotional roller coaster, yet again. You deeply desire to understand what happened and why it happened but can't keep your heart rate down when you think or talk about it. You wish you could move on, but it seems like something is holding you back. It can feel like you're going crazy but rest assured, you're not. Infidelity isn't just about broken trust; it can disrupt the way your brain processes emotions and memories. There is a physiological…

Who should you tell about the infidelity? Who shouldn't you? Why or why not? This topic comes up at least once a week when I'm speaking with people just like you. Some people will rush out and tell everyone and their mother, while others suffer in silence, afraid to tell a single soul. No matter which side of the affair you are on, we suggest finding some middle ground. Pause, and consider what you need right now, and consider who can provide that for you. Let me share my personal experience of who I told and how THAT went, as well as relay some expert advice on how to navigate what can be a very anxiety-producing decision. There were a couple friends, a doctor, and a priest. No, that's not the start of a joke. That's the order of who I told about the infidelity. I decided quickly that I was going to wait on telling our…

How many of you have heard of others questioning or thought yourself: If I stay in the marriage after an affair, how will I ever know I'm not just "Plan B"? If so, you are not alone. After finding out that one partner in a committed relationship has had a secret life with another person, it is very natural and common to question this exact thing. Like it or not, the partner who has to discover the affair will receive an automatic one-way ticket to feeling rejected—for a long time. Most certainly, you find yourselves at a destination you never saw coming and a place you never wanted to be. An ugly truth about rejection. It always feels personal. Our emotions, particularly the most painful ones, cut so deeply. These emotions, such as rejection, do not allow us much room to rationalize. Like an emotional vending machine, when we take…

Ever lost something that's really important to you? I'm not talking about a phone or even a job. I'm talking about something really important, like a child or a marriage. I've lost something like that. What's worse, my most passionate and sincere efforts to keep it from happening totally failed. I didn't cause it, but I did everything in my power (at least from my perspective) to stop it. And all my effort resulted in a big fat disappointment and a whole heap of pain. How do we deal with significant failure or loss, especially when infidelity has already caused us so much pain? Odds are, if you're reading this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyone who's really screwed up their marriage (or found themselves in a state of betrayal) and then discovered how powerless they were to stop the resulting devastation, knows…

Emotional flooding (or dysregulation) is natural in the aftermath of infidelity. Judith Herman says relational trauma, such as infidelity, is "a violation of human connection."1 The attachment rupture that occurs is likely the most painful event the betrayed spouse has ever experienced. They've lost all sense of safety. The impact is so significant that it creates traumatic memories. As time passes, normal memories fade into the past and lose their emotional intensity, but traumatic memories are a different cognitive entity. When they are triggered, the betrayed spouse re-experiences that memory as if it's happening right now, not in the past. That part of the brain can't tell time. When a reminder, such as a song, smell, name, or memory triggers a traumatic memory, there's rage, tears, and accusations; it can feel like Groundhog Day, where…

Has infidelity left you feeling irrelevant or expendable? Candace understands that pain. Now an invaluable member of our Affair Recovery team, she speaks with people weekly to help them take a first step toward healing through our courses. Candace is involved in group leadership, alongside her husband, drawing from their own experience. Her deep well of empathy, wisdom, and knowledge is invaluable to those navigating the healing journey. - Rick Reynolds Two Words Irrelevant and expendable. Those are the two words I chose to describe how my husband's infidelity made me feel. Four years, two months, and twelve days, that's the amount of time between my first Discovery Day (D-day) in 2020 and the moment I told my husband I wanted to stay married to him while standing on the beach in late 2024. Yes, that's over four years!…

Love is a funny thing. To the couple in crisis due to infidelity or addiction, it can also be a very confusing thing. In our culture, love is most frequently portrayed as an overwhelming feeling of attraction and desire. In the land of make believe, love is a magical force that propels the couple to "happily ever after." Our souls resonate with this theme, and we long for our chance to experience that kind of true love and never-ending passion. This universal desire reveals our desperate need to be loved and to feel wanted. The only problem is that this fairy tale style of love exists only in movies and in the initial stages of a budding relationship. Those fledgling feelings are never sustained over a lifetime of marriage. Married people know this. Movies don't typically portray this…

Ever catch yourself staring over that fence, thinking the grass is so much greener on the other side? I did, and it nearly cost me my marriage. This experience ultimately led me to start programs at Affair Recovery, like Hope For Healing, that help people understand why we tend to look for greener grass in the first place. I'm an old guy who's lived long enough to make some really dubious choices. Trust me, I've got the scars to prove it. But here's the one lesson I've learned after 46 years of marriage: The grass is NOT always greener. To those of you who strayed from your marriage or are wondering if you should. Let me ask you a question: Is the grass really greener on the other side of that fence? 2 Types of Greener Grass Greener grass comes in two types. First, there's the grass that looks so perfectly green, but…

Spouses Want to Be Chosen A while back, a woman named, Sue, sat in my office complaining about her husband, Joe. (That's not unusual; both men and women are forever in my office complaining about their mate.) Sue's complaint was about never feeling chosen. She gave example after example of Joe choosing something (or someone) besides her. After about twenty minutes, Sue stopped, took a breath, and asked, "Am I the problem?" Without a second's hesitation, I said, "Absolutely, you are." Shock and disbelief flooded her face as she said, "How can that be?" "The problem is the way you view your marriage," I responded. "Before you think I'm crazy for saying this, let me help you understand." Before we go further, dear reader, please understand, Sue is NOT the only…

Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door - Part 1 Lock the Door - Part 2 Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On On the day I married Stephanie, I swore I would love her till death do us part. I wanted to be a man who loved his wife, a man who would protect her and provide for her. I wanted to be a good father and a man of great integrity. I never fathomed that I would ever dishonor or disrespect Stephanie. My heart was to love her to the best of my ability. That sentiment reflects my true heart. At the core of my being is a heart that loves and is compassionate, kind, concerned, and caring. However, I have other parts of my being that want and need to be loved. I want and need to feel good…

When responding to an affair, two wrongs never make a right. It's tempting, but by doing this, a betrayed spouse will wound themselves even further. As C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” He goes on to say, “The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of…

Emotional affairs are devastating. The collateral damage from one sharing their heart and life with another person outside the marriage devastates the betrayed spouse and upends all of life for the couple and family. Trying to piece things together post-affair is not only challenging, it can be one of the most discouraging and frustrating things a couple will ever go through. What is an emotional affair? What qualifies it as such? Perhaps your spouse is resisting the idea that what happened was truly an emotional affair—what then? If 82% of affairs happen with someone who at first was "just a friend," as Shirley P. Glass' research suggests1, then maybe there's benefit in exploring how these friendships begin. How does one decide to begin an emotional affair? What signs are there that an emotional affair is developing? Why do…

This week we hear from Marie, a wayward spouse who shares her personal experience of infidelity before, during, and after her affairs. I hope her story brings hope, courage, and understanding to those of you on both sides of this difficult circumstance. A Personal Story from an Affair Recovery Survivor: My husband, John, and I were an old married couple before we ever exchanged vows. We lived together, had a dog, and sat around in sweats doing nothing. We loved each other, I'm certain, but it seemed as though we forgot we needed to show it. About a year into our marriage, I started feeling restless. My daily routine consisted of studying, working, caring for our home, shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I received little to no help from John. Most days when he got home, he would immediately get on the internet or turn on the TV. We…

Sarah's Story "Do I even matter to him?" Sarah asked as she told me that she had allowed Chuck to move home last month even though he still seemed to be pining for his affair partner (AP). Like many, Sarah asked herself over and over again, Am I a fool for even trying to work on my marriage? During a session together, she shared a portion of her heartbreaking story: "Three days after discovering the physical part of the infidelity, we sat down and he told me everything, but he cried when talking about his AP. In the past month, he's taken steps to make things better, and he hasn't contacted his AP, but she has tried to contact him. He says he loves me and he wants to help me heal, but the only time he gets emotional is when he talks about HER. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to feel he is really remorseful? It…

"What in the world attracted you to her? You're disgusting!" Sandy screamed. Across town a similar conversation was going on between John and Margret. "Are you kidding me?" John said in disbelief. "You're having an affair with an alcoholic who barely scrapes by? Do you really think he has the ability to support you? He only makes a tenth of what I earn." And yet another conversation: “Frank, how could you do this to me? She's 25 years younger than you! She's practically the same age as our daughter! What in the world could the two of you have in common?" Disclaimer: Before I even start this article let me stress that there's no way I could ever write something that will be able to fully answer why your mate chose their affair partner (AP). Why someone becomes involved in an extramarital relationship can't be explained in a few paragraphs…

"It is over, I don't see the need to talk about it." "It meant nothing, so there is nothing more to say." "It was in the past; can't we just move on and be happy?" "I'll never do it again, so why can't you just believe me?" And on and on it goes. Pronouns have a subtle and uncanny way of minimizing and protecting us from the truth. So, what is it? It is the place where wayward spouses usually hesitate, stutter, and start to get uncomfortable. As the discomfort and hesitation from the wayward spouse goes up, the frustration of the betrayed spouse multiplies. What makes it so difficult for the wayward spouse to talk about their infidelity? Why do they not want to talk about their affair? It isn't always what you may think. Find guidance to healing after…

Recently Stephanie was perusing the Recovery Library and said to me, "Betrayed spouses need some practical suggestions on forgiveness." My first thought was that forgiveness isn't practical; it's actually rather extravagant. But Stephanie was willing to offer some do's and don'ts for those who have been betrayed. I've rounded out the discussion by offering suggestions for the wayward spouse. Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. Learn More | EMS Weekend For the sake of our discussion, allow me to clarify who this is intended for and give some definition to some of the terms. Beyond Discovery To begin, let me stress that these suggestions are for couples who have moved beyond (or who are ready to move beyond) discovery and determine how to live with…

My family–everyone except me–loves puzzles. One year, they worked on a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle called "Will the Real Santa...". It was made up of over 32 Santas who all looked basically the same. Each had a white beard and red costume. For hours, my family sat around the table taking each of the thousand pieces, comparing them to the picture on the lid and trying to distinguish slight differences that would help them decide where to put that piece. My family claims it is rewarding when they are able to make just one more piece fit. They find fulfilling what I consider to be torture. Understanding the Puzzle Imagine trying to assemble a 1000-piece puzzle with no picture on the box to reference. Even the most determined person would find this task incredibly difficult. Now imagine several extra, total-nonsense…

How do I know if my spouse is truly committed to recovery? When you are trying to put your life back together in the aftermath of infidelity and addiction, it's important to "stay in your own lane." When it comes to our marriage relationship, it is very natural to question from time to time what IS happening on the other side of the street, so to speak. This is a kind way to remind us all that we need to focus on our own work. Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course and start a better, brighter chapter. Learn More | Harboring Hope Today, we are going to focus on a very short (not exhaustive) list of what we GENERALLY see when an individual is truly doing the work to heal after infidelity. If your mate is doing even half of what we are discussing…

For more on thriving in a group environment read: The Power of Small Groups. Would you be interested in expediting your recovery? Imagine that you have a heavy chair to carry up three flights of stairs. Did you know your brain's going to estimate how much energy that's going to take and begin to divert blood flow from different organs and put hormones in your body such as adrenaline, to ensure you have sufficient energy to complete that task? Now, imagine as you're picking up that chair, a friend comes along and offers to help. Can you sense the relief you'd feel knowing you don't have to do it by yourself? Think about how much lighter that load's going to be. Now, imagine that there's a plane crash, and you survive, but you're over a hundred miles away from civilization in a dangerous wilderness. What do you think your…

For more on thriving in a group environment read: The Power of Small Groups. Imagine that you have a heavy chair to carry up three flights of stairs. Can you feel the dread? Now, imagine as you're picking up that chair, a friend walks up and offers to help. Think about how much lighter that load is going to be. Now, I'd like you to see yourself in the wilderness after a plane crash that you've survived. You're all alone, hundreds of miles away from civilization, in a wilderness filled with deadly predators. How does that feel? What do you think your chances of survival are? Next, see yourself in that same situation, but instead of being alone, there are eight other survivors that want to navigate that journey with you. Does that feel more hopeful? Finally, imagine someone is trying to explain to you how to…

"I can't believe a married woman with kids could do this. Can't you see how devious she was?!!" Steph yelled. "I'm 100% responsible," I said. "I won't minimize my responsibility by saying someone tricked me or made me do it. If I'm going to face my issues, I have to take 100% of the responsibility." "Why do you keep defending her?" This time, she screamed! "I'm not defending her; I'm taking 100% responsibility. It's my screwed-up choices that got us here. She didn't make me do anything. And I'm not going to blame somebody else for my failure." "Every time you do that, you defend her!" "I'm not defending her. I'm trying to take 100% responsibility for what happened." "You always do that; you always make me think I'm wrong when I get upset with someone. And if there was ever a time I had a right to be upset with someone, it's now! STOP DEFENDING HER!…

The easiest–and cheapest–way to start on this journey is to take our free First Steps Bootcamp. It's an online guide with 100+ pages of content and a full-length video of a mentor couple who was in as big of a mess as it can get. You'll take a big sigh of relief when you have a clear plan and learn that you're neither crazy nor alone in this journey, whichever side of the infidelity you find yourself on. Start the Free First Steps Bootcamp Now! Thank you for entrusting us with this part of your journey. I know when Steph and I were going through this back in 1984, we were in desperate need of guidance: somebody who had been through this, who knew what to do. We were floundering through the details of disclosure, and flooded conversations were the norm. We couldn't communicate, and we couldn't…

Have you ever found yourself so frustrated, so enraged, so overwhelmed, or so out of control that you snapped? This is not a pleasant place to be, but chances are you've been there. One thing about the aftermath of infidelity is the explosion of not only chaos and uncertainty, but also the many extreme and scary emotions. For those who find out they have been betrayed, the response is often anger, followed by rage. Rage can get out of control, however. It is a natural and normal human emotional response to betrayal. For those who have been wayward, you most likely faced (or will face) a very powerful sense of a spiraling loss that is out of control, and the desperation you feel can cause an enormous sense of fear and shame. The most difficult aspect of all of these negative emotions is that they are – negative. Negative emotions feel heavier, more…

How do you face a new year after an affair? I want to share four recovery tips with you as you start the new year. No matter where you are in your recovery from infidelity, there was probably a time when it felt like you wouldn't make it. But let me start by inviting you to notice that you did. The overwhelm, grief, anger, and despair have not swallowed you whole, even though it may have felt that way. So take a moment to notice: You made it to a new year! While the new year symbolizes a fresh start, it can also come with pressures and disappointments, reminding us of unmet goals or the way the previous year didn't turn out as expected. So take a deep breath with me and let's discuss how you can make the most of the New Year, full of healing and wholehearted living. Consider joining Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for…

Wayne: Hey, everybody. Welcome back. So glad you're with us. This week is special for me because we have a very special guest–one of my favorite people on the planet for almost 29 years now! I want to introduce you to my favorite (and only) daughter, Karen Baker, who is a newly minted psychotherapist herself. Today we're going to talk about infidelity from a different perspective: what to tell the kids, what not to tell the kids, what Karen's journey has been like, and how we have dealt with some of our more challenging father/daughter conversations. I'm looking forward to talking with you about how we've navigated this road together, especially in the last 7 or 8 years. Find guidance to healing after infidelity with EMS Online. This course is comprised of expert methodology honed from decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity to…