Affair Recovery

Today Samuel shares a humorous example how we the unfaithful, many times just don't see things the way we should. The unfaithful just can't see how their actions have affected the betrayed and has no clue how to show empathy for what they can't wrap their mind around.

It's not uncommon to see the betrayed spouse wanting the marriage more than the unfaithful. When this happens, take heart, there is hope and there is a strategy to implement.

Are you a betrayed spouse, chasing your spouse into recovery? Today I discuss why that is probably doing a disservice to the recovery process and the ultimate restoration of your marriage.

Marriage is not easy. When you add infidelity to the mix it’s even harder. Then you try to add effective communication and it can feel like a disaster waiting to happen. If you're like me, the art of communication can feel more like a wrecking ball than an art. This wrecking ball is on a mission to destroy everything in sight: relationships, personal growth, or even a joy-filled life.

Early after D-day, there were a ton of unanswered questions and thoughts that would plague my inner world. Time and time again when I would approach my husband to seek information, it was more of a destructive hit to our recovery than a helpful conversation. The wrecking ball would come crashing in through screaming, crying, or straight anger. Clearly NOT helpful.

I started...

Today I share a recent traumatic event with my daughter that served to remind me of recovery and relapse prevention.

Samuel shares a humorous but pointed story of his own journey to humility and self awareness while in recovery from his affair.

It's s common occurrence that unfaithful spouses can be ambivalent, not sure who to choose. Today, I want to help the unfaithful understand how to move through ambivalence and how to make a choice that will eventually promote healing for all parties involved.

After the discovery of my spouse's infidelity, I felt like I no longer knew our history. It was important for him and I to develop a shared history so I could know what happened. There were 3 questions that were critical for me to achieve full disclosure. I share these questions along with the help they gave me and my spouse to achieve healing.

Samuel discusses some practical suggestions for helping both spouses cope with reminders and triggers while also pointing out what not to do to make things worse while recovering from an affair.

As I watch my daughter swimming in the lake, I see her head tilted back and face just barely above water. She is fully safe, and a strong swimmer but struggles with swimming in the lake with all the wind and waves working against her. I am quickly reminded of the time I felt I was barely surviving. Infidelity was an unexpected wave that tried to drown me. My head was barely above water.

There is definitely a survival mode that happens after D-Day. Managing emotions, protecting kids, counseling; really just attempting to fulfill any of my many responsibilities. It was exhausting, emotional and seemed to last a lifetime. In reality, a few months into trying to stay afloat, I was tired of just trying to survive.

I didn’t want to just survive marital betrayal. I didn’t want...

“But we’re different”

It’s touchy. You feel like no one is feeling what you’re feeling and like you’re out on this island all by yourself. You feel like your spouse is on a completely different island.

You feel like no one gets it.

You feel like no one understands. You wonder is there really any hope for your specific situation with all the carnage that has happened.  

I felt that way. Samantha felt that way. The idiosyncrasies to our fiasco wasn’t so simple,  normal or able to fit into some simple three step triage plan that you could read about on a generic marriage website.

We were right. We were a mess and our situation was highly complex.

But, I have to tell you, every situation is highly complex and messy. I don’t know...

I’ve either played or coached baseball almost my entire life.  I grew up loving the game and I’m privileged that my sons also love the game. It’s in many ways a mirror of life and has taught me more about life than I could share in any one blog.

When coaching outfielders it’s common to hear coaches instruct outfielders to “run to a spot” and find the ball.  It’s this habit pattern coaches try to pound into the mind of a good outfielder as they can then adjust, find the ball in the air and make what everyone else on the defensive side hopes is a fantastic catch. Rather than just running haphazardly, running to a spot intimates there is a plan for these types of situations.

It’s the same way in life. When something happens to us, we run to a spot. That spot can...

Before I found out about the affairs, I remember obsessively checking my husband’s stuff. Late at night I’d sneak out of the bedroom and scurry around the house to investigate. I’d find his laptop, check his social media accounts, scan his text messages; my reconnaissance began to control my life through my thoughts. Once I gathered whatever “evidence” I was seeking, I would lay back in bed and run these thoughts through my mind. “Who is he texting?”, “What is he doing when I’m not around?”, “Is he having inappropriate conversations?” There was obviously some truth to my suspicion, but at the time there was no rhyme or reason as to how to sort the truth from the lies. My mind was like a rat in a wheel, spinning like crazy through every possible scenario.

As soon as the...

When in recovery after infidelity, it's critical to have a 'Spotter' - Someone who has navigated the stormy waters of infidelity. Let's discuss why this is important and who should be and who shouldn't be the 'Spotter' in your recovery.