What does it mean to forgive yourself—especially in the wake of infidelity? Is self-forgiveness only for the wayward spouse, or is it an assignment for all of us? If you'd asked me that question before Discovery Day (D-Day), I would've said without hesitation: "Self-forgiveness? That's on the unfaithful partner to do that!"
Not because I saw myself as the oh-so-perfect wife, but because I believed the person who chose to stray was the only one needing to seek forgiveness. While I suppose it may be the case in some marriages that self-forgiveness is only applicable to the wayward spouse, that was not true in my case.
It's hard to escape it: cheating, affairs, and broken trust seem to be everywhere. Infidelity provides an endless source of drama for Hollywood filmmakers. But for those who've lived through it, a constant reminder of their deepest wounds does not feel like entertainment!
It seems to be a universal plot line and unless you are watching the Netflix series, The Great British Baking Show or the latest animal documentary on Animal Planet, chances are really high that every time you grab that remote, you will see a scene that contains a reference to cheating.
Sadly, anyone who has survived infidelity knows that when you're in the...
If you're reading this, you likely understand the immense pain and confusion that secrets of infidelity bring. At Affair Recovery, we know that navigating the aftermath of betrayal is one of the hardest journeys a couple can face. One of the most challenging, yet critical, steps on the path to healing is disclosure, which is why we're conducting this brief survey. We want to be better equipped to help others through what is often described as the most painful part of a very painful process.
Infidelity is, by nature, the keeping of secrets, and those secrets rob the betrayed spouse of their reality and choice. But bringing the truth into...
Do you know the number one question couples ask in recovery?
I'll let you know in a moment, but first I want to share with you a story. When my middle daughter was in high school, she decided to be a cheerleader. I was fine with it; what type of trouble could she get into leading cheers, right?
I remember sitting in the stands for the first game, waiting for her début as a cheerleader. What I failed to consider in my risk assessment was her size. Sopping wet, she might have tipped the scale at 90 pounds, which made her the perfect candidate for the “team flyer.” When they threw my munchkin into the air, Stephanie had to use restraints to keep me...
Have you ever wondered: Why can't I just get over this? Do you feel like you're constantly re-living the betrayal, even when you don't want to? Intrusive thoughts keep coming back and won't seem to go away. One minute you are ready to cut ties and move on, the next you're ready to fight for your relationship and work it out. Later that same day, you are kicking yourself for being caught up in the exact same mental and emotional roller coaster, yet again. You deeply desire to understand what happened and why it happened but can't keep your heart rate down when you think or talk about it. You wish you could move on, but it seems like something is holding you back.
It can...
Who should you tell about the infidelity? Who shouldn't you? Why or why not?
This topic comes up at least once a week when I'm speaking with people just like you.
Some people will rush out and tell everyone and their mother, while others suffer in silence, afraid to tell a single soul.
No matter which side of the affair you are on, we suggest finding some middle ground. Pause, and consider what you need right now, and consider who can provide that for you. Let me share my personal experience of who I told and how THAT went, as well as relay some expert advice on how to navigate what can be a very anxiety-producing decision...
How many of you have heard of others questioning or thought yourself: If I stay in the marriage after an affair, how will I ever know I'm not just "Plan B"? If so, you are not alone. After finding out that one partner in a committed relationship has had a secret life with another person, it is very natural and common to question this exact thing. Like it or not, the partner who has to discover the affair will receive an automatic one-way ticket to feeling rejected—for a long time. Most certainly, you find yourselves at a destination you never saw coming and a place you never wanted to be.
Ever lost something that's really important to you? I'm not talking about a phone or even a job. I'm talking about something really important, like a child or a marriage. I've lost something like that. What's worse, my most passionate and sincere efforts to keep it from happening totally failed. I didn't cause it, but I did everything in my power (at least from my perspective) to stop it. And all my effort resulted in a big fat disappointment and a whole heap of pain.
How do we deal with significant failure or loss, especially when infidelity has already caused us so much pain? Odds are, if you're reading this, you know...
Emotional flooding (or dysregulation) is natural in the aftermath of infidelity. Judith Herman says relational trauma, such as infidelity, is "a violation of human connection."1 The attachment rupture that occurs is likely the most painful event the betrayed spouse has ever experienced. They've lost all sense of safety.
The impact is so significant that it creates traumatic memories. As time passes, normal memories fade into the past and lose their emotional intensity, but traumatic memories are a different cognitive entity. When they are triggered, the betrayed spouse re-experiences that memory as if it's happening right now, not in the past....
Has infidelity left you feeling irrelevant or expendable? Candace understands that pain. Now an invaluable member of our Affair Recovery team, she speaks with people weekly to help them take a first step toward healing through our courses. Candace is involved in group leadership, alongside her husband, drawing from their own experience. Her deep well of empathy, wisdom, and knowledge is invaluable to those navigating the healing journey. - Rick Reynolds
Irrelevant and expendable. Those are the two words I chose to describe how my husband's infidelity made me feel.
Four years, two months, and twelve days, that's the amount of...
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