Even before disclosure, I was really good at catastrophic thinking. I would hear a story and go to unimaginable places such as the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary. I cried for weeks because I imagined what it would be like if my own children were murdered mercilessly at school. It was almost too much to bear.

After disclosure, I often would think about the worst case scenarios such as, “What if my husband would have gotten caught? What if he was the next big news story?” I imagined how it would ruin our kids’ lives at school and how I would probably have to move to another state just to start over with a clean slate. Would I stay with him? Would I leave? Then, I would come back to reality and remember that God has only given me the strength to deal with the present. Futuristic thinking does nothing but create anxiety that I may or may not even need to deal with in the future.

At this point in my recovery, it feels impossible for me and my husband to have the “amazing” connection that other couples who have recovered seem to have. I have closed myself off so much that I literally have to learn how to open up again to allow myself to be vulnerable and “known.” Don’t get me wrong, we have a great friendship but the romantic part of our relationship has waned due to the disconnection his addiction has caused.

I also have my own “issues” I have to deal with. For 15 years I struggled with eating disorders and only over the past 2 years can I say I have been recovered. However, I still have body image issues and hearing that my husband really didn’t have his eyes and mind only on me has been hard.

This whole process has caused me to revisit many of the traumatic events of my past, but I know without a doubt that God is holding my hand through all of this.  I need to do what is good for me and that means I need to let go of the “control” I have tried so hard to have.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to “get better,” but over time, I have come to realize that I need to give myself grace and to not rush the process. I also have to remind myself that I am not broken. It has helped me so much to hear from other friends that all of this is completely normal.

For instance, my husband and I are not regularly having sex. I have some issues I have to deal with before that can happen. I have done it out of “duty” for so long that all of the enjoyment for me is gone. Knowing that my husband has his own issues, my first instinct is to fear that he will go back to his old habits because his “sexual needs” are not being met.

I decided to sit down with him a few weeks ago to talk with him about it. I shared my frustration with how long it is taking me to heal. I apologized for not healing sooner and my husband assured me that he is doing okay. In fact, he feels this time of celibacy has only caused him to grow closer to God. We are both learning how to reframe our beliefs about sex. Instead of believing the distorted view of sex our culture sells, we are learning how God intended it to be.

I am grateful that my husband is being very supportive of me, but even if he wasn’t it doesn’t matter. I cannot control what my husband thinks or does. All I can do is trust that the Holy Spirit that is working in me is also working in him. I have faith that He is doing a good work in both of our lives and will continue until it is completed.