Why Her? For months after D-day I agonized over the question “Why her?” Okay, to be honest, I’ve agonized over this question almost every day since my world was turned on its axis over twenty months ago. Why this woman? What was there about her that my husband found so alluring? To be frank, my husband found her on Craig’s List. There was no picture so he didn’t have a clue what she looked like. They messaged through Craig’s List, then exchanged phone numbers and started sexting. It’s not as if they shared their life stories. This was about sex and whatever she said had him hooked. He went to her house for sex without even meeting her first. How disgusting is that?! So it’s not as if he started flirting with someone at work or came on to some appealing woman at the store or decided the neighbor lady was hot stuff. Oh no. My husband knew nothing at all about this woman before that first night when he snuck out of the house to meet up with her. How pitiful. And what started as just sex with a willing partner turned into a five month long affair. Yes, I know all this. I know intellectually that this woman was completely random. But still the question haunts me, why her? He should have turned and ran the minute he laid eyes on this woman who is the opposite of everything he claims to stand for: He hates tattoos. She has several. He hates short hair. Hers was butched. He hates a messy, dirty house. Hers was both. He hates people who use the system. She’s a welfare queen who knows how to get every dime out of the tax payers that she can. She’s violent. Before he met her the AP had already four of her six children to child protective services because of abuse and neglect. My husband admits that she was “heavy handed” with the two she had left. When pressed he acknowledged that yes, she was probably abusive. The state has since taken those two children away as well. She’s not attractive in any way. Not her mannerisms, not her life style, not her speech, not her dress…and not even in appearance. I’m no beauty but I’m not unattractive and I keep myself well groomed and dressed. So why, after that first encounter, after he figured out who and what she is, why did he keep going back? Was the sex that good with her? Was it that bad with me? Yes, I’ve tortured myself over the question of “why her.” It’s kept me up at night. It’s invaded my thoughts during the day. I’ve read many online blog and forum articles by other betrayed spouses asking the same question. I don’t agonize alone. It has taken me well over a year to come to the understanding that the “who” of my husband’s affair does not matter. Thank goodness for the forums and blogs on this site. They have helped me tremendously. I’m grateful for the people who are willing to share their pain with others. These brave people have helped me learn that there’s no rhyme or reason to the “who.” My husband’s AP could have been anyone. He was looking. She was available. Who she was is irrelevant. I’ve had to accept that my husband didn’t deliberately go out and look for someone who is the opposite of me. He was purposefully looking to cheat. He was selfish. He was thinking about himself. He wanted sex and was addicted to the idea that he could have sex with a stranger and keep a marriage where he felt no connection, only obligation. In the state of mind he was in at the time it wouldn’t have mattered who my husband connected with on Craig’s List as long as he got what he wanted. In fact, Rick has stated time and time again that quite often, spouses ‘affair-down.’ This was certainly the case here. So don’t agonize like I have over the question of “why her?” She could be short, tall, fat, thin, young, old, rich, poor…it doesn’t matter. This woman, this AP, this person who helped your spouse betray you, could be anyone. Take some solace in the fact that often times, spouses affair-down. Why NOT her?
