I so appreciate what you have written here. I have tried and tried to own up to what I've done, as I am the unfaithful spouse. I have tried to give information, but my spouse feels I'm not being honest with what I've given, and then we've just ended up in re-wiring of the conversation, how I feel / felt, my motives, and the reasons for why things happened. Then there's the abuse I endured when I was trying to tell him what he asked me, and it was brutal. After attempting to answer and give reasons for why things happened the way they did, and being told that I'm (blankety blank blank blank) still not telling the truth, I had to give up. These conversations were so unhappy and painful, I'd be in knots and sick for weeks afterward. We never were able to get through any of them with any positive outcomes, except more anger, resentment and distance. It's been almost 20 months since D-Day, and I want more than anything to restore a 25+ year marriage that had so many holes I don't know where to begin. The emotional distance I was put through with my spouse all those years drove me to the brink of insanity and feeling so worthless, and then I made choices to cheat. I won't ever justify what I did nor say it was my spouse's fault nor excuse it, but I did spend years trying and trying to get closer to my spouse, understand his distance, suggest counseling/therapy/workshops/books, to no avail. I'd always have to just drop it, and everything I did was wrong (he perceives I was the most selfish person in the world, that I nagged, complained, and was depressed for years and that he couldn't take it anymore so he just detached and turned me away when I wanted to cuddle, have sex, etc). Yes, I did many things wrong, but I'm still here ready and willing to make the marriage work. I've done work on myself because I've learned that one person can indeed change a marriage even when the other doesn't want the marriage (has been saying this for years but still hasn't filed, this makes no sense) because my h isn't willing to look at his contribution. I'm still here because even though we've slept in separate rooms for 15+ years and emotional distance has driven me nearly to insanity, without God, I would not still be where I am (at home with my spouse). I've worked on myself to be the best I can for me, my spouse and most importantly, my savior Jesus. Spouse is still not willing to be anything more than roommates, but God has promised me that He will restore what the enemy has stolen from us, and that there will be resurrection of this relationship to more closely resemble His plan and will for our lives. So I continue where I am, being mindful of myself and waiting for God. The best thing out of all this is that my spouse has agreed to attend congregation together, where we never did before ... although I think he's doing it more because he wants to for himself. He's talked to our pastor just 3 times without me there (he declines to have any counseling for us), and mostly what he told our pastor is that he wants out. He promised our pastor he would wait for 6 months to file and then didn't (that was about 9 months ago), but as recently as 3 weeks ago said our remaining together in this house is "pointless". As the unfaithful spouse, I can say that God doesn't think restoration and fulfillment of His will is pointless. I just hope that some betrayed spouses can consider the possibility that their unfaithful spouses are not the enemy and may be willing to work through and recover the relationship, that their unfaithful spouse may simply be a person who still loves them and who did a bad thing, but are not unworthy of being rescued nor salvation and restoration of the relationship. I wish my spouse could understand these things, but right now he simply cannot.
Thank you
I so appreciate what you have written here. I have tried and tried to own up to what I've done, as I am the unfaithful spouse. I have tried to give information, but my spouse feels I'm not being honest with what I've given, and then we've just ended up in re-wiring of the conversation, how I feel / felt, my motives, and the reasons for why things happened. Then there's the abuse I endured when I was trying to tell him what he asked me, and it was brutal. After attempting to answer and give reasons for why things happened the way they did, and being told that I'm (blankety blank blank blank) still not telling the truth, I had to give up. These conversations were so unhappy and painful, I'd be in knots and sick for weeks afterward. We never were able to get through any of them with any positive outcomes, except more anger, resentment and distance. It's been almost 20 months since D-Day, and I want more than anything to restore a 25+ year marriage that had so many holes I don't know where to begin. The emotional distance I was put through with my spouse all those years drove me to the brink of insanity and feeling so worthless, and then I made choices to cheat. I won't ever justify what I did nor say it was my spouse's fault nor excuse it, but I did spend years trying and trying to get closer to my spouse, understand his distance, suggest counseling/therapy/workshops/books, to no avail. I'd always have to just drop it, and everything I did was wrong (he perceives I was the most selfish person in the world, that I nagged, complained, and was depressed for years and that he couldn't take it anymore so he just detached and turned me away when I wanted to cuddle, have sex, etc). Yes, I did many things wrong, but I'm still here ready and willing to make the marriage work. I've done work on myself because I've learned that one person can indeed change a marriage even when the other doesn't want the marriage (has been saying this for years but still hasn't filed, this makes no sense) because my h isn't willing to look at his contribution. I'm still here because even though we've slept in separate rooms for 15+ years and emotional distance has driven me nearly to insanity, without God, I would not still be where I am (at home with my spouse). I've worked on myself to be the best I can for me, my spouse and most importantly, my savior Jesus. Spouse is still not willing to be anything more than roommates, but God has promised me that He will restore what the enemy has stolen from us, and that there will be resurrection of this relationship to more closely resemble His plan and will for our lives. So I continue where I am, being mindful of myself and waiting for God. The best thing out of all this is that my spouse has agreed to attend congregation together, where we never did before ... although I think he's doing it more because he wants to for himself. He's talked to our pastor just 3 times without me there (he declines to have any counseling for us), and mostly what he told our pastor is that he wants out. He promised our pastor he would wait for 6 months to file and then didn't (that was about 9 months ago), but as recently as 3 weeks ago said our remaining together in this house is "pointless". As the unfaithful spouse, I can say that God doesn't think restoration and fulfillment of His will is pointless. I just hope that some betrayed spouses can consider the possibility that their unfaithful spouses are not the enemy and may be willing to work through and recover the relationship, that their unfaithful spouse may simply be a person who still loves them and who did a bad thing, but are not unworthy of being rescued nor salvation and restoration of the relationship. I wish my spouse could understand these things, but right now he simply cannot.