Hello Steve,
Thank you for your comment and question. I can relate to not being able to recall things. There are things I blocked out, things I could not explain or remember, and things I have forgotten over time. Whether it is time, trauma, denial, or God removing it, some things are just gone it seems.
I've been sitting with your question to see what comes up for me, and the main thing was this; this may not be you, but I know I had this need for my husband to believe something that I had not yet secured my own belief about. I was told I can't expect someone to believe something I myself am not really convinced of. I projected so much of my "okness" and acceptability onto my husband, before and after the infidelity. Realizing I needed to secure my own beliefs fueled my recovery to know myself and be confident in what integrity was to me, regardless of his opinion.
Some of the things I came to securely believe were:
1. I believed I was becoming a safe person and had my family's best interest at heart.
2. I knew I had shut the door on the ap, and I had to remain confident in that.
3. I knew I was broken and that God loved me. He did not condemn me. My behavior was not ok, but also that God did not define me by that behavior. I came to believe I was still precious to Him.
4. I knew I was committed to seeking answers, healing my motives and wounds, becoming a safe person, and learning to love honestly and authentically.
5. I knew I was finding answers and maturing.
6. I knew I had embraced, "my best thinking got me here, so now what", meaning I didn't trust my own thinking, and I was developing a community of honest people through AR and 12 step who would shoot straight with me.
7. I knew I had been sick and untrustworthy, lying to my husband, my children, and using other people. No new details were going to change that. All details were more evidence of deception and disillusion. As the SLAA text reads, "the most recent example of a lifelong pattern."
8. I trusted that if I was on the wrong path or in denial, God would show me and open my mind and heart as He saw fit. Until then, I stayed the course, trusting I was doing all I could.
I hope none of that comes off as prideful or perfect. Changing and securing beliefs, while releasing old tactics and rationalization, is no easy task. It is also a continuing process. My point is that for me, as I gained trust in God and confidence in these beliefs, I was able to bring an energy of honesty, empathy, and care to my husband, instead of an energy of panic. I didn't need him to believe or agree to any specific thing. This gave him the space to go through his process (however long it took), and slowly things changed for him too.
Rick says, " You can't tell the end by the beginning," and I add that in my experience, "The way things are today is not the way they will always be. Things change as we change."
Having to sit with your question and digging into faith and experience for an answer has helped me more than I can say. For me that is one of the biggest blessings of a recovery community; it brings clarity. I hope you find clarity and direction as well.
Here are a few resources from the recovery library that I find helpful in understanding what my husband had to go through, and about not remembering things.
Search the word "remember" in the Recovery Library for even more.
Hello Steve,
Hello Steve,
Thank you for your comment and question. I can relate to not being able to recall things. There are things I blocked out, things I could not explain or remember, and things I have forgotten over time. Whether it is time, trauma, denial, or God removing it, some things are just gone it seems.
I've been sitting with your question to see what comes up for me, and the main thing was this; this may not be you, but I know I had this need for my husband to believe something that I had not yet secured my own belief about. I was told I can't expect someone to believe something I myself am not really convinced of. I projected so much of my "okness" and acceptability onto my husband, before and after the infidelity. Realizing I needed to secure my own beliefs fueled my recovery to know myself and be confident in what integrity was to me, regardless of his opinion.
Some of the things I came to securely believe were:
1. I believed I was becoming a safe person and had my family's best interest at heart.
2. I knew I had shut the door on the ap, and I had to remain confident in that.
3. I knew I was broken and that God loved me. He did not condemn me. My behavior was not ok, but also that God did not define me by that behavior. I came to believe I was still precious to Him.
4. I knew I was committed to seeking answers, healing my motives and wounds, becoming a safe person, and learning to love honestly and authentically.
5. I knew I was finding answers and maturing.
6. I knew I had embraced, "my best thinking got me here, so now what", meaning I didn't trust my own thinking, and I was developing a community of honest people through AR and 12 step who would shoot straight with me.
7. I knew I had been sick and untrustworthy, lying to my husband, my children, and using other people. No new details were going to change that. All details were more evidence of deception and disillusion. As the SLAA text reads, "the most recent example of a lifelong pattern."
8. I trusted that if I was on the wrong path or in denial, God would show me and open my mind and heart as He saw fit. Until then, I stayed the course, trusting I was doing all I could.
I hope none of that comes off as prideful or perfect. Changing and securing beliefs, while releasing old tactics and rationalization, is no easy task. It is also a continuing process. My point is that for me, as I gained trust in God and confidence in these beliefs, I was able to bring an energy of honesty, empathy, and care to my husband, instead of an energy of panic. I didn't need him to believe or agree to any specific thing. This gave him the space to go through his process (however long it took), and slowly things changed for him too.
Rick says, " You can't tell the end by the beginning," and I add that in my experience, "The way things are today is not the way they will always be. Things change as we change."
Having to sit with your question and digging into faith and experience for an answer has helped me more than I can say. For me that is one of the biggest blessings of a recovery community; it brings clarity. I hope you find clarity and direction as well.
Here are a few resources from the recovery library that I find helpful in understanding what my husband had to go through, and about not remembering things.
Search the word "remember" in the Recovery Library for even more.
The Betrayed's Reaction
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/the-betrayeds-reaction
Not Knowing What Happened
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-couples-fail-after...
Q&A (HFH) Do You Have Any Advice on Either How I Can Remember or How He can Move on without Having These Answers?
https://www.affairrecovery.com/groups/hope-healing/qa-hfh-do-you-have-an...
Q&A What if I Can't Remember All the Details?
https://www.affairrecovery.com/12739-7