My aunt was radiantly beautiful in colored head scarves and rocked GI Jane length hair throughout the three years of her battle with cancer. She remained joyful and full of life, even in the midst of multiple rounds of treatment. When she was unable to travel to a family gathering last fall, I missed her, but simply assumed this was just one more round of chemo, and I’d see her again. That did not happen.

When she passed, I remember wondering why I had not even considered the fact that this might happen. A gentle inside voice that often reminds me of recovery literature whispered, “What about denial?”

Denial is avoidance of reality or a blindness to the obvious or the inevitable. For me, a long time user of fantasy thinking to self-medicate, I see denial as another form of fantasy thinking. No, I am not beating myself up for not going to see my Aunt Jane; she did not desire visitors mid-treatment anyway. When she communicated that she was ready to stop trying, we arrived just in time for a beautiful passing of a spirit from this life to the next. I do recognize now that I was in denial of the possibility of any outcome other than treatment working. The return of my aunt’s health and vitality was the only thing I expected. I was not thinking realistically or accepting the reality of her situation.

As I grieved my aunt’s passing, that little word “denial” kept resurfacing in the back of my mind, and I began to think of all the other times I used denial to deal with uncomfortable situations in my life. I had never framed my thinking in early recovery as denial before, but in looking back at the disclosure of the affair that brought my husband and me to AR, it was absolutely denial – a total avoidance of reality – that drove me to my almost-unbreakable attachment to the AP, as well as my inability to clearly see the horror of my choices.

Denial, like all good coping mechanisms, served me at one time. As AR founder Rick Reynolds says, denial is a God-given ability humans (particularly children) involuntarily use to survive certain situations that would be too difficult to face head-on. In addition, avoidance of discomfort is innate to our human bodies and minds. When overheated, our bodies are designed to regulate temperature. When injured, our nerves may temporarily stop sending pain messages while the brain has a few seconds or minutes to react and process. Sometimes, when facing trauma, we create an alternate reality so we don’t feel the pain.

And… like all good coping mechanisms, once denial of my reality was no longer needed, I still held onto it.

I had quite an active fantasy life from a very young age, both romantic and otherwise. I denied the reality that it is impossible to avoid conflict or to keep everyone happy. I denied the reality that not everyone could like me. I denied the reality that I could not juggle the needs, wants, approval, and problems of everyone around me. I denied any critique that came my way. I denied the fact that I was living more life in my head than in my life itself. I denied the reality that I couldn’t control everything. I denied the existence of my own emotions, needs, and wants in order to maintain the peace. I denied myself basic information, exploration, and curiosity, for fear of being wrong. I denied the consequences of my actions and embraced rationalization. In short, I told myself whatever I needed to hear in order to avoid the obvious or the inevitable: my humanness and my fallibility.

In the process of separating from the AP, I clung to my denial story for dear life. I insisted there was real love and care. I lamented the story that “If not for this, I could be happy with that.” I obsessed about the man and ignored important information, as well as the ramifications of staying with him. I told myself it was “meant to be.”

I clung to that version of reality for many reasons, but there are two big ones that I recognize today. One, I could not face any possible outcome other than the fantasy outcome I had created in my head. Though it was the fantasy of an insane mind, the idea that everyone would not come out better and happier with this new life was unthinkable. The other was that I could not face the reality of the danger I had put myself, my family, and another person in. Surely, not me, the one who always had the best intentions, who always cared, who always wanted what was best for others and bent over backwards to keep the peace and ensure happiness! Was I really that selfish, self-serving, careless, and untrustworthy? I could not face it. The one person I would be with forever was me, and if I could not trust me, then I’d never be safe. I could not possibly expect me or anyone else to accept me if I had actually used these other people instead of loving them. I needed that make-believe story of my actions, and I clung to the fantasy version of that affair for much longer than anyone could believe. I literally felt like my life depended on it continuing on.

There is much more to the “why” behind the affair, why that person, and why did I need coping mechanisms in the first place, but I know for sure that denial is an important piece of my story! Reality would have been too much to bear at first, and only by the grace of God did my husband stay with me while a loving recovery community helped me clear the debris of the past, face the present reality, and eventually envision a better future. It is also through God’s grace and love for me that I was able to face and accept the non-fantasy version of myself, my actions, and my childhood.

Contemplation of the role of denial in my life continues. Since my aunt’s passing, I’ve continued to ask myself where I see denial in my life? I see it sometimes. I know it’s important to keep looking for signs of denial entering my mind. I don’t want to go back to those days when it had such a grip on me. It’s a self-protective mechanism, I know, but I want to be content with things like getting older or accepting the fact that my parents won’t be with me forever. I don’t want this inevitability to promote fear, but rather to promote the preciousness of today!

Denial can only get us so far. Eventually, the weight of reality sets in, and we are confronted with the consequences of our destructive thought patterns. If you are stuck in denial, if you cling to a version of reality that simply does not stand up to rational thinking, I encourage you to keep pushing for clarity. Keep seeking to align your inner voice and your outer behaviors.

If you are ready to break free, we are ready to help you, just like we’ve helped thousands of courageous individuals who have walked this road before you. We’ve been there. We get it. And we know the freedom and peace that comes when you choose to reject denial and start living an authentic life. Join Hope for Healing today and begin your recovery journey in a safe, encouraging community.

To Reality!
Amber