My husband had an affair from November 2017 to February 2018. The first D-Day was in January and this continued one more month without me knowing believing in him after the first D-Day. Everything I found out was dragged by me, he always denied and only when proof was being put in front of him he told the truth. Last big deceiving information dragged from him was in June when I found a love message saved into his phone, message I didn't receive and he told me until that day it was just sex he didn't say "I love you" to her but into that message (he confessed it was sent to her) it was saying "now that I love you I am afraid to lose you". I stopped asking or searching for more because I am exhausted after 6 months of digging up his affair I come to a point I am afraid of what more I find. We completed EMSO and while that class it improved but after he stopped doing work or at least I cannot see much. His AP is still working in the same office and that is a black hole where I cannot see what is going on and I have no one to get the info from. About infidelity only 2 persons know, one friend of his who he told to praise about when all this started, and one friend of mine who I called when I found out and he was away and I had a panic attack I feared I will die and didn't want the kids to see this so I called her in that moment to secure them. She was not a safe person and talked about my problems with persons she had no business to talk about so she is no longer someone I have in my life. How do I move on? I don't even know what is real or not with him. Can we ever have trust again after all this? I feel I am near the end and I just cannot hold on to this. I don't even know what to ask him because almost everything seems wrong after this. I am in the mode "survive the day for the kids’ sake". They don't know, they are too young (6 and 8) to have this example of parents shown to them. I feel stuck, I feel I don't want to stay but I also don't want to leave.