I've worked HARD for over a year to uncover all the unhealthy stuff in my psyche and understanding where shame started for me (age 4 molestation) and how that shame led to fear, me hiding and trying to control others view of me etc. It Has helped me to really understand the 'why' (not as an excuse but as an understanding of how I was dysfunctional in our relationship) and that has given me so much hope that I can change to become a healthier person who could be in a healthy relationship but my husband won't believe any of it and says "It's all just to me utterly ridiculous. and I wholeheartedly reject your explanation. I don't care about the why. I only talk about it to entertain you. I think your why is utterly ridiculous. I won't consider it as true, in fact it doesn't even get out of the gate with me. I just don't care about the why, it doesn't matter. It's all very simple: you wanted some thrills and an opportunity for thrills presented itself. It's not complex. I don't believe that. I think that's just trying to wander around in a psychological labyrinth pondering your navel looking for something to blame. First you want to blame me and now you want to blame shame. The thing is you're a sinner, you have a sinful nature you have evil desire that live inside of you and you chose to act on them. It's not complicated, you don't need PhD's or books to understand. It looked fun, you had an opportunity and you took it."