Sometimes when I am having bad intrusive thoughts, or feeling awful about some new aspect of my wife's deception that I just realized, I feel the need to share that hurt with her. I kept my feelings bottled up for far too long, and I don't think it is fair to me to have to not show her my hurt. Without yelling, without anger, I try to communicate these feelings to her. But sometimes she is very hurt by this and seems to become more concerned with how sharing my hurt hurts her, than she is with my hurt. During a talk tonight, she seemed very defensive the whole conversation. At the end of the conversation she told me she feels very unloved and judged. I love her very much, and try to show her by my words and actions, how much I care. She says she is doing everything she can to help me feel better. I've suggested things she could do that I believe would make me feel better, such as reading recovery books, or articles and videos in the library, or participating in the forums; but she won’t do these things. Is this her shame getting in the way? How can she move beyond this?

Rick's suggested resources:

How to Get Your Mate to Cooperate:

• https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate

Brene Brown Ted talks or a Brene Brown book on shame:

• Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
• Listening to Shame: TED Talks by Brene Brown