I'm a betrayed spouse, and we're about two months out from the final D-Day. Things between us have been improving little by little, but I noticed that there are times when I actively seek to trigger myself and cause flooding. Due to the nature of my mate's online affairs, all their interactions are permanently online for the world to see, and I can access them anytime.

In moments of wanting to remember what has been done to me, I go and seek out and read through these interactions. They're full of intimate and sexual messages. This leads to me ending up back in the moment of discovery, full of despair and pain and anger. In this place of flooding, I am full of rage and pain and a deep feeling of needing my spouse to recognize how broken I am by the affairs. A few nights ago, this culminated in violence against my spouse, and I don't want to be this person anymore.

How do I let go of permanent access to the affair content, and how do I stop seeking to sabotage the progress we've made in order to remind myself of what exactly has been done to me?