Three questions Rick 

1. Is it selfish of me to continue to seek therapy on my own without my spouses consent 
2. And in our relationship we are a "both" shouldn't both of us make changes to be safe and ask each other what we are doing to be safe
3. I'm ok right now with not knowing who my wife's AP's are. I'm not at a place where I can deal with that. However, I would like to know whether or not they are in contact with one another. If my wife says, "you don't trust me" is that a red flag? I feel also that she wants to just tell me so she's feels better that I know who they are, but I also feel it's a ploy to throw additional hurt on a pretty traumatic situation.