How Could You? Part V - The Secrecy Factor How Could You? A Six Part Series on Why We Commit Betrayal with Infidelity Part 1: Why We Commit Betrayal With Infidelity Part 2: The Thought Processes That Lead to Betrayal Part 3: Moral Justifications Part 4: Doublespeak and Distorted Comparisons Part 5: The Secrecy Factor Part 6: Dehumanization and Blame Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course and start a better, brighter chapter. Learn More | Harboring Hope Out of Sight, Out of Mind Secrecy plays a huge factor in the betrayer's ability to not feel (or admit) guilt when violating commitments or morals. No blood, no foul, right? When people pursue a course of action that benefits them but harms others, they try to avoid looking at the harm they've caused. If minimization fails to work, then they will distort reality, lie to themselves about the consequences, or choose not to believe the evidence. "As long as the harmful results of one's conduct are ignored, minimized, distorted, or disbelieved, there is little reason for self-censure to be activated" -Bandura1 It's easier to harm others when their potential suffering isn't visible or is out of mind. On the other hand, when people have to witness the distress and pain they've caused and are made aware of the high cost of their actions, people will tend to act according to their beliefs and values. "Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will. Integrity is not a search for the rewards of integrity. Maybe all you ever get for it is the largest kick in the ass the world can provide. It is not supposed to be a productive asset." ― John D. MacDonald2 The Age of Minimization Living in today's world requires more integrity than ever before. Mechanisms of social censure have vanished overnight. Once upon a time, pornography was at the corner drug store, and the odds of being seen viewing the magazines came with a real risk of exposure. The risk of disappointing and hurting loved ones served as an inhibitor to many who were tempted. Likewise, in the past, the town gossip served as an inhibitor to moral disengagement. It's not so easy to violate what you profess to believe if you run the risk of becoming fodder for the rumor mill and destroying those you love in the process. Today, minimizing the severity of betrayal is easier than ever. The advent of the internet, texting, and what feels like endless apps and websites promoting discreet affairs create an illusion that it's all just a game of escape. If it isn't something that seems like a big deal--because to you it meant nothing--why should it be a big deal to your mate? To the person using minimization, the level of grief, disappointment, and rage displayed by their mate can seem over the top. Minimization strips the wayward spouse of empathy and erects concrete barriers to healing, minimizing the injurious effects of betrayal and allowing the wayward spouse to see the betrayed spouse as the one with the problem. Here are some phrases often used in minimization: "Why can't you just get over it and move on?" "It meant nothing to me; why is it such a big deal to you?" "I asked you to forgive me. What's your problem?" "Can we just move on to bigger, more important issues in our marriage?" "My affair is not the core issue. There were bigger issues going on before I cheated, and those are the issues we need to discuss." In reality, it's a huge deal when someone is betrayed, but telling yourself no one will ever know or minimizing the cost of betrayal will allow the suspension of your morals and will create a path for you to do things you never dreamed you'd do. As the wayward spouse, have the integrity to examine your beliefs about betrayal. If, from your perspective, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, then you are already distorting reality and your view of the consequences. As many of you know from personal experience, the impact of infidelity is extreme and far reaching. Stay Committed to Your Commitments Integrity stays true to commitments even when no one is watching. If you believe that statement to be true but you know you've violated your beliefs, then you need to explore what rationalizations you're using. As a man once told Shirley Glass*: "On a good day, when things are going well, I'm committed to my wife. On a day when things are just okay, I'm committed to my marriage. And on a day when things aren't so great, I satisfy myself by being committed to my commitments."3 I hope we'll all remain true to our commitments. If you're looking for a safe, expert-driven place to recalibrate your recovery efforts, look no further than our EMS Weekend. It's not only a safe place, but also the very place you'll find compassion, direction, and expert care for even the toughest of situations. You don't have to do this alone, and you don't have to continue to suffer silently. Our therapists have personally survived infidelity and can help you make decisions based upon decades of personal experience treating and caring for those in a similar crisis. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Why They Did ItRL_Media Type: Text
