Emotional affairs are devastating. The collateral damage from one sharing their heart and life with another person outside the marriage devastates the betrayed spouse and upends all of life for the couple and family. Trying to piece things together post-affair is not only challenging, it can be one of the most discouraging and frustrating things a couple will ever go through.

What is an emotional affair? What qualifies it as such? Perhaps your spouse is resisting the idea that what happened was truly an emotional affair—what then?

If 82% of affairs happen with someone who at first was "just a friend," as Shirley P. Glass' research suggests¹, then maybe there's benefit in exploring how these friendships begin. How does one decide to begin an emotional affair? What signs are there that an emotional affair is developing? Why do emotional affairs happen in the first place? Is there something missing in our traditional monogamous relationships?

To begin, let's define emotional affair.

An emotional affair excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy.

Emotional affairs can happen with anyone you may see in person during work or recreation or anyone you interact with on social media, text, or email. While there is no in-person physical intimacy, emotional affairs are carried on in secret. I've listed below nine signs that you or your spouse may be developing an emotional affair. My hope is you'll be able to avoid these pitfalls.

*Keep in mind while reading that this is written as a how-to in reverse, meaning these behaviors are what not to do as they are signs that you may be developing an emotional affair:

1. Intimacy Avoidance

Intimacy is the willingness to know your mate as well as a willingness to be known. When intimacy avoidance begins to happen, you avoid speaking up, and you avoid conflict with your spouse. Intimacy avoidance allows you to silence the conversations which brought your marriage together, and it opens up the door for new opportunities. Avoiding rejection can successfully foil your mate's attempts to connect with you, and it can create or fuel a desire to connect with a (new or old) acquaintance or friend. A common occurrence among these early conversations with the new "friend" is complaints about problems in the marriage. Dealing directly with your mate about marital issues can deter you from running to someone outside your marriage.

2. Approval Seeking

Simultaneously fearing rejection and settling for false intimacy creates a void – a craving for the approval of others. Once this void is established, it doesn't usually take long to find someone who will listen well and who is fascinated by the words you speak. Pursuing opportunities to acquire validation and connection fuels the flame even more. It's not really an affair, right? What's wrong with talking to someone who tells you how good you look, understands your marriage conflicts, is impressed by your success, or appreciates your accomplishments? It becomes far too easy to believe that this new person accepts your true self.

3. Pimping Tenderness

To grow a friendship, you have to act like a friend. That is, in essence, how these relationships start. Showing sincere interest in their life will be reciprocated, whether it is criticizing the “villains” in their life, picking lint off their clothes, telling them how nice they look, or what a good job they've done. Learning to be their number-one cheerleader so they'll always come to you for encouragement is a common pitfall. So is seeking out every possible opportunity to be thoughtful: bringing coffee to work in the morning, offering to help when possible, creating opportunities to go to lunch or dinner, dressing in a way they would like, non-sexual touching such as rubbing their shoulders or hugging will help create familiarity and fuel relational desire. Forbidden fruit is always sweeter. The excitement of keeping the relationship secret only enhances the time together. When it feels like your own family is getting in the way of your time with your "friend," you'll know you've finally ignited a full-blown, emotional affair.

4. Relational Lethargy

It takes a lifetime to truly know the deeper waters of your mate's soul. Experts say it takes over 30 years of marriage to even reach your sexual potential. Paraphrasing the Second Law of Thermodynamics: you can never get as much out of a system as you put into it. Marriages have seasons where it feels you're putting in far more than you are getting out. Relational lethargy can allow you to justify a deepening connection with someone else due to the lack of return of investment in your marriage. Convincing yourself that your mate deceived you and has failed to live up to your expectations, you'll begin to curtail your investments there and enjoy the effortless infatuation that comes from the beginning stages of new friendship.

5. Objectification

Sustaining the denial necessary to justify an emotional affair requires objectification. It's necessary to see only the negative aspects of one's mate if one has any hope of pushing away the guilt that comes with acts of secrecy and betrayal. When your mate raises concerns about your behavior, you don't listen; instead, you tell them they are being petty, controlling, and overreactive. Objectification of the affair partner (AP) is also necessary to sustain the emotional affair. Much of the benefit gained from an emotional affair is derived from seeing the other person as needing help, or as someone who is the most astute, most intelligent, most talented, or most beautiful. We imagine them being our counterpart (someone who gets me or who is like me). Why would anyone want to have an emotional affair with someone who's “just average?” Magnifying what you most admire in the other person while minimizing their deficits will help you feel better about your decision to continue the "friendship."

6. Minimization

If people really understood the long-term cost of their actions, would they be able to continue pursuing an outside relationship? That awareness would only serve as an anxiety generator. To have an emotional affair, you minimize the impact of your actions and feign surprise when your mate or anyone else gets upset. It's also common to minimize the impact on your children, telling yourself that they're resilient and, over time, they'll come to understand and will surely forgive you.

7. Self-deception

Many times, people deceive themselves into believing that they're as wonderful as they're emotional AP says they are. This is absolutely necessary to obtain maximum benefit from your newfound relationship. Your AP will attempt to convince you that they're better than your mate and that you'd have been far better off if you'd married them instead. Marriage partners are the makeup mirrors of our lives. They highlight every flaw and blemish, while APs are vanity mirrors. We always look amazing in their eyes. Self-deception requires that we suspend reality and imagine ourselves as seen through our APs eyes.

8. Being an Emotional Confidant

To have an emotional affair, it's imperative that someone begins providing the emotional intimacy that their mate does not. Pretty soon, the AP is considered their primary source of support. Looking to them as your primary confidant will communicate their importance in your life, and doing the same for them will cause them to be dependent on you as well. APs commonly probe how you feel and promise to be there if you need them. Sadly, it won't be long until you've replaced the most important person in your life.

9. Develop Common Interests:

Creating a shared activity with a new "friend" provides something special the two of you can have in common. Activities such as bike riding, running, working out, etc. are great activities that allow a legitimate excuse to spend time with this "friend." Having something unique like this in your friendship allows for a feeling of exclusivity.

Once again, I want to remind you that this is actually a "what not to do" list.

Emotional infidelity is absolutely no less damaging than physical infidelity. If your marriage has suffered the consequences of an emotional affair, your marriage has surely suffered a lot of collateral damage I'd like to ask both marriage partners to consider attending our EMS Weekend. My team and I will not only address the root causes of the affair(s) but develop a specific roadmap to the potential healing of your marriage. Those of us who stand by, ready to help you have all been there ourselves and understand the pain you both are in. You don't have to be another statistic, and you don't have to walk this road to recovery alone.

Participants enrolled in our Programs and Courses are able to submit questions to the Expert Q&A that are then answered in video form by various members of our Clinical Professional Contributors. Previously I answered one of those questions related to emotional affairs. I hope it is a helpful piece of insight for you. The Expert Q&A videos can be accessed with a Recovery Library Membership, although it doesn't include the ability to submit questions as course participants.