The following is a repost from our Recovery Library. I penned it in 2011, during one of the most difficult times of my life shortly after some of the most significant losses in my life. I hope it encourages you and provides a healing and redemptive perspective as we walk together through probably one of the biggest crises of your life.

Can I really change? Can my unfaithful spouse ever really change? Can my betrayed spouse ultimately overcome the remnants of my betrayal and trauma? These are not easy questions for anyone to answer.

I'll be 59 this year, and just looking at that number makes me feel older than dirt. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks; but can you? In my soon to be 59 years, I don't believe I've ever set a New Year's resolution. Lord knows it's not because I'm perfect, nor is it because I'm always happy with my life, for me I think it's not really wanting to.

Understanding Habits, Patterns & Loss

A few years ago, I read Charles Duhigg's book, The Power of Habit, and I found the research fascinating^1*. I'm not sure I've ever analyzed my actions from the perspective of habits, but it caused me to take a new look at why I'm living how I'm living. 2011 was a challenging year for me. I had major life events in the loss of a parent and major surgery for cancer. Given my profession, one would think I would have anticipated the impact of those trials, but I never imagined the subtle ways those two events would change the patterns of my life.

In his book, The Law of Happiness, Dr. Henry Cloud, points out that only 10 percent of happiness is based on circumstances, 50 percent of our happiness is due to our genetics, and the remaining 40 percent, we control through the way we live^2*. From birth, I've been fortunate to be one of those where the glass is naturally half-full, and I've enjoyed life, but as I reflect on this particular year, I realized I'd changed and didn't like what I was seeing. My productivity dropped, I'd been in a funk, and I was less motivated. So what changed?

Looking back, it seems so obvious. First of all, my routines changed. Major surgery has a way of doing that, but since I was sidelined from my usual evening run, I began turning on the TV to help deal with the boredom of not being able to do much of anything. Rather than getting up and writing early in the morning, I began sleeping in, telling myself I needed the rest. Optimism was replaced by self-pity as I dealt with the losses stemming from surgery and also the passing of my dad. I lost motivation which only served to reinforce sitting on the couch and doing nothing. In addition, my new sedentary lifestyle included spending more time in the kitchen snacking at night since I had nothing to do. It was as if I traded many of my healthy habits for ones that made me heartsick. How do I change?

I know I'm not alone. According to Duhigg, major life events have a way of getting us to abandon the healthy routines we've adopted for older, more primitive habits. It's as if we re-adopt our old bad habits as a way of coping rather than continuing the healthy habits we've developed through the years. Even worse, those unhealthy habits seem to be etched indelibly in our lives, impossible to erase.

Just like my surgery, the trauma created by infidelity has the potential to change life patterns for both the betrayed and the unfaithful spouse. Healthy activities such as exercise and hobbies often go by the wayside. The agony of the situation is so top of mind, that we struggle to do or think about anything else.

Mistrust and hurt feelings change how we relate to one another, and anger does the same. Hurt and disappointment can even change our spiritual and self-care disciplines. I wonder what percentage of people pick up old habits such as drinking, smoking, or other means of escaping as a result of a betrayal. How do we get back to a life we love that's full of meaning and purpose---and not bad habits?

Begin... Again

So where do we begin? The problem with habits is that they are unconscious. Our brains are amazingly efficient. In order to keep from having to figure things out each time we do them (brushing teeth or saying hello), our mind creates a routine that we do mindlessly. That's why we can think about paying bills while backing the car out of the garage. But it's important to know that as automatic as our habits become, they are also fragile and it takes no thought at all to move back into our old ways. All it takes is a cue and the brain takes over, repeating a programed routine time after time.

For example, my wife, Stephanie, and I visited some old friends this past weekend. Two times after going to the bathroom, I walked out leaving the water in the sink running full blast. Both times, I had to go back and turn it off. Dumbfounded by my absentmindedness, I realized their faucet turned counter clockwise to shut off. At home, my faucet turns clockwise. My normal routine for turning off the faucet wasn't being deployed. This is a silly example, but what about those habits that govern how I relate to Stephanie or those that dictate what I do when I get home from work?

It's Not About Staying Miserable

Those of us at Affair Recovery aren't just interested in saving marriages; we're interested in helping those affected by infidelity find extraordinary lives of meaning and purpose. If the best you could do is save the marriage only to continue in a miserable life, would that interest you? We want to let the crisis created by the infidelity serve as a catalyst for positive change, but you have to take action. Pain that's not transformed will be transmitted! I don't want the tragedy of what's happened to rob me of life going forward. I want it to serve as the fertilizer that helps my life grow beyond what I imagined before.

As I begin my program to change all the miserable habits that I've picked up this past year, I hope you'll join me by addressing the habits in your life that are holding you back. Over the next few weeks, I'll explore the steps we need to take to change our habits, and hopefully we'll help one another move forward.

If you're wondering how to change and truly overcome what you're facing due to infidelity, our Hope for Healing online course is the place. After several decades of treating infidelity and addiction, I'm more confident than ever that you'll find hope, personal restoration, and the ability to truly change. Visit https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing to learn more and register.