"I can't believe a married woman with kids could do this. Can't you see how devious she was?!!" Steph yelled.

"I'm 100% responsible," I said. "I won't minimize my responsibility by saying someone tricked me or made me do it. If I'm going to face my issues, I have to take 100% of the responsibility."

"Why do you keep defending her?" This time, she screamed!

"I'm not defending her; I'm taking 100% responsibility. It's my screwed-up choices that got us here. She didn't make me do anything. And I'm not going to blame somebody else for my failure."

"Every time you do that, you defend her!"

"I'm not defending her. I'm trying to take 100% responsibility for what happened."

"You always do that; you always make me think I'm wrong when I get upset with someone. And if there was ever a time I had a right to be upset with someone, it's now! STOP DEFENDING HER!!!"

"I'm not defending her; I'm telling you I'm 100% responsible."

Did you see what happened in that conversation? Did you see what I did? Stephanie had her reality...her perspective, but I was so focused on my perspective that I completely missed the opportunity to hear and validate her. I wish I could say that's the only time I made the mistake of not validating Steph's reality, but unfortunately, this was a destructive pattern I brought into the marriage. Steph had every right to her observations and opinions of the affair partner (AP), but from my perspective, I was 100% responsible. I didn't want to minimize my responsibility, but in doing so, I failed to acknowledge or consider her viewpoint.

In retrospect, I'm horrified by my lack of empathy. I was clueless about what it was like for Steph to live on the other side of me. It took a while for me to begin to see that I could be 100% responsible and simultaneously understand Steph's perception.

When couples discuss their marriage, there's a good chance they'll come across something they disagree on which can result in discomfort and instability. Therefore, couples tend to talk about something or someone else to stabilize their conversations. This is called a triad. There are two types of conversations that are safe:

If we talk about somebody or something we both agree that we like, we can talk all day and it won't be a problem. If we're talking about something or someone we both don't like, then we can talk all day and not have a problem. The problem comes with the third type of conversation:

Unfortunately, I was always in the pivot position at the top of the triangle for the first part of our marriage. Whenever Stephanie pointed out something subpar or made a negative comment about the subject we were discussing, my first response was to paint her perception with a silver lining, to provide a reason why it was that way, invalidating her point and disconnecting the two of us. It could be about anything, such as a waiter at a restaurant neglecting customers, politics, or religion. DON'T DO THIS!

Why did I think it was my responsibility to get Stephanie to see everything from an overly optimistic perspective? It took far too long to see the needless damage I caused. Maybe it's because I was taught, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all." Part of me wanted to correct anything she said that was critical, but by discounting her observations, I was robbing myself of seeing things realistically and worse, damaging our relationship.

I learned the solution was quite simple: all I had to do was validate her perspective. Can you believe it? When I began validating her perception, our marriage radically improved. By the way, her observations are astute! When Steph comments on the poor service at a restaurant, rather than giving a lame excuse like, "They're short-staffed," I learned to say, "I can see that," and then shut my mouth. All she wants is to be heard and validated, and quite literally, no good can come from me turning it into a disagreement. This is not conflict avoidance nor is it giving into a negative view of life; this is practicing empathy. Have the courage to see things from your mate's perspective.

All of this is far more difficult for couples dealing with infidelity. For instance, it's natural for the betrayed spouse to have significantly negative feelings toward the AP or others who might have known but didn't speak up. The lack of disclosure can lead to the betrayed spouse creating narratives far from the truth. The same can happen with the wayward spouse and their perceptions of the people their mate has turned to for support. How do you respond when your mate is triggered, and they're 100% certain that your perspective, thoughts, and opinions are dead wrong, and their viewpoint 100% correct? Even in those situations, this principle still applies. Correcting their perception will only lead to disconnection and put you back in the pivot position.

Instead, repeat what they say and then ask if you got it. Don't respond; only try to understand by repeating their words back to them until they say, "You got it." Next, use this phrase: "What you say makes sense because... this person has been a part of destroying your life." or "...because you saw your dad do the same thing to your mom." or "...given the information you've been given, it makes sense why you would see it that way." Seeking to understand them rather than correcting creates stability. Don't agree with something that's false; instead, tell them it may take time for the two of you to see it the same way.

If you grew up in a family that taught, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all," then you may have a harder time with this. To strengthen your marriage, it's essential to get out of the pivot position and validate your mate's perception. If they ask your opinion, then feel free to share.

If you'd like to improve your ability to communicate and show empathy, consider taking EMS Online. If you're the unfaithful spouse and you'd like to discover how your actions have impacted your mate then please consider taking Hope for Healing. If you've been betrayed, I hope you'll consider taking Harboring Hope. There is no better resource for helping you wrap your mind around what has happened and move forward.