Laurie Bryson
by Laurie Bryson, M.A., LPC
Member, EMS Weekend Specialist

Help With Incessant Triggers and Reminders

Are you at a place where you can't seem to get away from the constant triggers and reminders of the affair? Are intrusive thoughts keeping you from sleep, work, or being able to function?

Did you know that in the early weeks following discovery, it is quite possible for the betrayed spouse to have several hundred of these a day? Will it ever get better? Will they lessen in frequency? Wayward spouses, does it seem that your mate can't do anything else but think about the affair and ask questions?

Even though I am extremely pragmatic by nature, I found myself needing many concepts simply and basically explained to me during my recovery from infidelity. Now that I am a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and a member of Affair Recovery's Emergency Marriage Seminar (EMS) Weekend Specialist team, I must admit I made a LOT of mistakes in the process.

Prevent mistakes by attending EMS Weekend. Laurie, along with the other therapists at EMS Weekend, are not only experts but have personally experienced infidelity. They can guide you as you untangle the confusing webs and devastating consequences of infidelity so you can cover more ground faster. Click the button below to learn more.

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I am going to begin by giving you the bad news. At first, there isn't much we can do to stop the incessant reminders and thoughts. We simply have to fight through them. I'm going to go so far as to suggest we embrace them for what they are. If you are betrayed and this is happening, know it is painful, but it is also normal. The thing you need to hear over and over is that it is your way of comprehending what has happened and processing the loss. You are most likely and certainly not crazy!

Like an unwelcome guest or a solicitor who rings your doorbell at the wrong time, triggers, intrusive thoughts, and reminders can be like that. If you are the wayward spouse, you need to hear this: There is very little you can do to help your injured mate other than trying to understand this is ALL they see, hear, eat, and breathe for a time.

In one of my small groups recently, a betrayed partner said, "Never be afraid of poking the bear. The bear is with me at all times right now, day and night."

When an affair is discovered, it is going to change everything that we know. Think of when you get a new car. Suddenly, on the highway, you notice the same make, model, and color everywhere. This shows us how our brain works. We aren't aware until we are suddenly and acutely aware.

Triggers ARE largely unconscious...they just happen. Without warning. It's the ONLY way your betrayed spouse has to feel safe. Think of how we were even formed as humans in the womb. We literally develop from the bottom up. We get a heart before we get a brain. We get a brain before we get fingernails.

Our bodies have an incredible capacity for survival, and we tend to be amazingly efficient in getting rid of whatever we don't need. I used to work with people suffering from eating disorders and anorexia. As someone loses weight, they are not only starving, but they are also trying to survive without enough nutrition. Hair loss. The body doesn't need it. Menstrual cycle. The body doesn't need it. Sluggish thinking/brain capacity. The body doesn't need it. The body determines that it must focus on keeping the heart pumping and alive.

The triggers our bodies are constantly processing following betrayal are very distressing. The grief of losing what we thought we had with our mate is also traumatizing. While we might be upset with our mate, their very existence is a tangible reminder that we are living in nightmare. They are part of the process, and believe it or not, help us define reality. The magnitude of what has happened to the relationship is great, but not having the triggers after infidelity would be like not having memories after losing a loved one.

Here is where we get it wrong (and I certainly did myself as well). Wayward spouses tend to underestimate the amount of triggers a betrayed spouse has. They often fail to acknowledge the triggers when they happen, which further sends a message to our mate that we don't get it.

Wayward partners underestimate how long (meaning months or years after discovery) that a betrayed spouse will have a steady stream of reminders. Sometimes it has only been a few months in and a wayward partner expresses genuine surprise that their mate is still having them. While the frequency of triggers should start to lesson over time, they are still there.

Betrayed spouses...please know that wayward spouses also struggle with triggers and reminders. While they may be working to discover why and how they strayed, they are also processing tangible triggers of what they have done. They do not feel good about themselves and are sorting through a lot of emotions.

Here's what we can do:

  1. Lean in. Notice how many triggers you had today.
  2. Acknowledge the triggers are constant and ask if they would like to set aside a time to talk about them. It is important to try to allow only one person to be in distress at a time.
  3. Accept the reality of the reminders and realize that if they are intrusive to the point of not allowing you to function at all, it is okay to ask for help.

We want to figure out how to move through this without getting stuck. Affair Recovery's Emergency Marital Seminar programs are designed to get you moving in the right direction. EMS Weekend in-person will jump start your recovery and help you cover more ground faster. This transformative weekend is also available in Virtual form to prevent the need for travel and allow you to absorb the life changing material in the comfort of your own home. Finally, EMS Online is a 13 week online course with a small group. If you're new here and not sure where to start, the Free 7 Day First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity will give you the fundamentals you need today and prime you to participate in any of our courses when you're ready.

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Question

On average, how long do you think a spouse will struggle with triggers? If they still struggle after 10 years is that normal? Or how about 15 years? Or is it they will never heal and maybe that adds a whole new component to their relationship to deal with.

Triggers

Pierre, I know everyone one is different and every situation is unique, but I'm also interested in the answer to this question. As the partner who was betrayed...I often wonder "Will the triggers ever go away?" "Will I ever find true peace or is accepting triggers as part of my life forever my new normal?" Years after discovery, they show up, unexpectedly, and bring me to tears. Do I tell my spouse I still have them or will that just set us both back? Does all this mean I will never heal? That being said, I'd love a timeline on when I'll stop struggling with triggers. Is there a "normal" time frame?

Triggers

I am dealing with these daily. It has been less than 8 weeks since the affair was confirmed. I need help to better cope with them. I will be doing ok and then the intrusive triggers come along and railroad me and it’s so so hard to stop thinking about what happened.

How to deal with a trigger that cannot be removed

In my case I struggled with the trigger of my bedroom since that’s where the affair happened. It’s been awhile now since it happened, but this one still bothers me the most/ most often.

Triggers

I'm 4 years out and they still come daily. It is debilitating to think that I may have to live with them for the rest of my days. I think I will always have them, honestly. They are now a part of our relationship, just as his affair will always be a part of our relationship. They go together, obviously. I think a lot might depend upon one's personality/belief system. In my world, infidelity was a deal breaker. A big "Oh, heck no!". Something I would never consider doing myself, and certainly not something I would ever put up with/accept. In saying that, I think that plays a role in the triggers. Perhaps if I could "accept" my partner's infidelity, perhaps the triggers would stop. Having never gone through this before, who knows.

triggers

I've been recovering from my husband's affair since I found out June 17, 2019 at 12:58 PM. I don't think the triggers and memories ever go away. I know I still experience them daily; perhaps because the two of them had become intricately woven together. Much more so that we ever were. It's pointless to consider divorce at this point as he is now 62 and I am 58. It's better I guess to think of us as 2 separate people who live in the same house but live independently of each other; legally married but relationally divorced. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, if he has another "wife" somewhere or why he failed to love me. It's the not knowing that drives one crazy. I am thankful that Jesus loves me, and I can count on that being true.

I hate them so much

Thank you Erin for sharing. I share the same sentiments. I thought about just staying and living out my days. But I don’t want to spend another 20 years of my life with a person who does not love me they way I deserve to be loved. Their inability to be faithful should not stagnate your life. 58 is not old and that’s what he is hoping you do. Stop living a full out VIBRANT life while he get his jollies watching you be sad. Be bold, be daring and LIVE LIFE. It’s scary to start over, but there is someone worthy of your love. I wish you well and me typing this to you was also talking to myself. I deserve better and so do you.

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