Healing from Infidelity: Going it alone Harboring Hope registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Standing Up For Yourself Several years ago, my daughter had to go it alone. It wasn't infidelity, but it was very scary for her--and her parents--I might add! My daughter's Algebra class had been left with no adult supervision. Another student decided to take that opportunity to play a form of music that my daughter found to be offensive. "Would you please turn that off or use your headset?" she asked nicely. He ignored her. "Please turn it off," she asked again a little louder. The boy simply looked at her and ignored the request. At that point she got up and started for the door, intending to find the teacher. The boy got up quickly in order to block the doorway as he said, "You're not going anywhere." "Let me out of here" she demanded as she looked up at her six-foot-tall classmate. The boy just stood there blocking the doorway. All the other students sat in their desks watching the confrontation unfold. What happened next shocked everyone. With one swift move, she kicked him in the groin. He doubled over in pain as she walked right by him and straight to the principal's office. It was a David-and-Goliath moment as my daughter is five feet tall and around ninety pounds! What disturbed me about the situation, though, wasn't the boy's behavior. It was the lack of support from other students. Why did she have to go it alone? Why didn't others support her? Abandonment Going solo in recovery from infidelity happens all too often, but the difficulties of that journey aren't just caused by one's mate choosing not to cooperate. Often, what is just as painful is the lack of support from others who they thought would be there for them. "Did I miss something?" "Am I to blame?" "Did I do something wrong?" The lack of support makes infidelity even more challenging. How does one cope and move forward into health when no one seems to be supportive? Infidelity can polarize people like no other life event can. Everyone seems to have predetermined opinions as to how he or she would respond and how others should respond when they discover infidelity in marriage. Their actions could come from a variety of feelings, such as they disagree with your choices and are choosing sides, they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say, or they have no time or energy to help a friend in need, they don't agree with their spouse on how to respond and it feels safer to back away. Whether you are the betrayed or the unfaithful spouse, if your decisions don't match your friends' or family's preconceived notions, their disappointment can leave you feeling completely on your own. Tragically, those caught in this dilemma find recovery even more challenging due to isolation and disapproval from their former support system. As we've discussed in previous articles, the social shame a person deals with after the discovery of infidelity is another paralyzing force to be wrestled with. Refusing To Get Help Going it alone also occurs when either the betrayed or unfaithful spouse is unwilling to get help or address the problems created by the infidelity. If someone's best choices have brought them to a place they never intended to be, why would they think that continuing with the same beliefs and behaviors will now somehow get them out of there? Regardless of the reasons, it's not uncommon for one spouse in the marriage to refuse help, leaving the other mate alone in their attempts to save the marriage. In that circumstance, can one person really make a difference? Is it possible to create change if you are the only one doing the work? The answer is an emphatic yes! Changing Destructive Patterns: Someone Has To Be The Healthy Person In fact, in most cases, changes made by just one of the partners are what brings about marital change. Marriages don't change bilaterally; they change unilaterally. It takes both husband and wife covertly colluding to continue the same relational patterns that keep the marriage the same. If only one person changes the relational dance, the other partner has no choice but to adapt in response to that change. For example, if one partner withdraws and stops engaging their mate, they effectively change the dance of the marriage. If one partner chooses to adopt healthier response patterns or to eliminate destructive response patterns, the marital dance has to change. The person going solo in recovery from infidelity isn't powerless; rather, they're the only one willing to make a difference. Going it alone isn't about trying to control or manipulate your mate into change. It's about taking responsibility for your own behavior and choosing to alter your own response patterns to ones which promote health. Attempts at changing one's mate have little, if any, effectiveness in improving the marriage. However, the person going it alone can certainly explore how to grow into the person they want to be and how to alter their responses to promote health, regardless of their mate's behavior. Those positive changes made by the person who is working on their personal recovery challenge their mate's perspective and begin to create new hope that things could be different. Without the proof of change, why would the disengaged party have any hope? At the very least, those who choose health and choose to address their personal issues grow as a result of what's happened. My mate is never my problem, but my mate always reveals the problem in me. If, at the very least, the person going it alone will use the crisis of the infidelity as a catalyst for change, then personal transformation will occur, and they will develop a deeper capacity for love, patience, and compassion. Alone or Together? If you're one of those who's having to go it alone, I applaud you for even reading this far. The road you're traveling is difficult indeed, yet I believe the personal benefits you'll reap in healing from infidelity will pay dividends for the remainder of your life, regardless of what happens to your marriage. We want to help you find the support you need in this recovery journey. In our online courses, you can link arms with others who are on the same path toward healing and find encouragement, resources, and hope! Click here to learn more. Harboring Hope registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Recovering AloneRL_Media Type: Text