Who is the Other Woman? Disclaimer: This may be a difficult article for some of you to read. Before reading, take a moment to consider how far along you are in recovery. Those who are newer to recovery will not be able to process the information in this article from an objective perspective. The information is important to understand, but the last thing we want to do is to cause unnecessary pain. Our suggestion is to wait until you are further along in recovery so you will be able to truly absorb all the article has to say. For those of you in this position, we suggest reading instead our 6-part "How Could You?" Series. Who is the other woman? Who is the other man? Is she a home wrecker, a floozy, a bimbo? Is he a bad boy, a tough guy or a brainiac? Is he or she someone to be hated or pitied? And... why would I even want to know the answers to these questions? The answer to that question can profoundly influence your ability to release what's happened and move on to a new life. Many run from this question. I hope you won't run but will be courageous and have this painful but meaningful conversation. Please note: Due to Affair Recovery demographics, I am writing this article as though the man had the affair and was involved with another woman. If I were to write this article as though the woman had the affair and was involved with another man, different dynamics would come into play. I sincerely hope that our betrayed males will be able to see parallels to their own story and derive helpful insight as well. There is never a good excuse for what the other woman (the affair partner) has done. However, remaining forever tied to the other woman as a result of unforgiveness leaves the betrayed spouse anchored to the past and creates the opportunity for all parties involved to remain stuck. Typically, moving forward, either as a couple or as an individual, requires you to shift to a realistic understanding of who she is. Usually, the unfaithful spouse needs to stop overvaluing the other woman, and the betrayed spouse needs to stop devaluing the other woman. Hopefully, exploring who they are will enable both the hurt and the unfaithful spouse to release and move forward in freedom. Labeling the other woman as a tramp (or other expletive) may prevent your betrayed spouse from ever moving forward. In reality, there's a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us. Failure to see more than just the negative aspects can block your ability to set yourself free from their hurtful actions. Seeing the other woman as human doesn't excuse what she's done, but it does help you gain a clearer picture of reality, which will in turn prepare for you a pathway to forgiveness. Join others who have been betrayed and find freedom from the hurt with the online, anonymous course,Harboring Hope. Registration opens TODAY at Noon CT. Use the button below to learn more about Harboring Hope and enroll in this restorative course. Register For Harboring Hope! Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself to set yourself free. It's not for the sake of the unfaithful spouse nor does it have anything to do with being around the other woman. Forgiveness can free you from losing your peace of mind whenever you are reminded of the pain and hurt. Our experience shows that a major barrier to recovery for the betrayed spouse is an unrealistic view of the other woman. While incredibly challenging, the wife needs to develop a fuller understanding of the affair partner as a human being if she wants to fully recover. For married men in an affair with a married woman, the affair can be more of a diversion, while for the married woman, it can become their life. This woman is usually married and looking for traits that are missing in her husband. Married men in affairs with single women are likely to view the relationship as entertainment or a distraction. Single women, on the other hand may view the affair as a pathway to the life they want. Little do they realize, the odds are not in their favor. Jan Halper's survey of over 4,100 prominent men revealed that 85% of those who cheated returned home to their families, and only 3% of those who got divorced and maintained their affair relationship, got married to that person.1 The following list briefly explains a few of the most common types of affair partners. Remember betrayed women, these are generalizations with the intent of humanizing the other woman so that you can eventually find peace and healing. The Rebound Affair In rebound affairs, the script gets flipped. The betrayed spouse goes out and has an affair in response. Many of you reading this are righteously indignant feeling you would never be the “other woman” in an affair. You may be right, but a large number of the affairs we treat are the result of rebound affairs. One potential consequence suffered by the betrayed spouse is the devastation of the significance of their marriage vows. Pain that's not transformed will be transmitted, and in an attempt to make their mate feel their pain, they betray themselves and indulge in the same behavior as their mate. In an attempt to get back at their mate, these betrayed spouses suddenly find themselves as the “other woman.” That means the other woman you are facing may have started out as a betrayed spouse similar to you, only she couldn't stand the pain and acted drastically. Many who've been betrayed are tempted, but strong morals and values, as well as their commitment to the marriage, prevent them from taking this course. Tragically, those who give in not only prolong their own pain, but also transmit their pain to their mate and to another woman as well. The Married Other Woman While this may be stereotypical, the "married other woman" has often become disillusioned with her mate and connects with someone she believes can supply the happiness her mate has failed to deliver. These women have typically watched their marriage fade away for years and feel completely detached from their husband as a result of years of neglect. Again, this does not justify their actions, but you can see how no longer valuing their own marriage would make it easy to push their guilt away enough to begin an affair. The Abuse Reactive Other Woman At times, the other woman is a person who was abused growing up. This person is motivated by identity wounds created by that abuse. Seeing themselves as damaged may create a desire to reinforce that belief by acting out in ways that degrade themselves and others. Frequently, the only way they can feel loved is when they act out sexually. Their desperation to feel loved drives them into an affair. Again, this in no way justifies what they've done. Years ago, I had a woman come in who fit this category. When I asked what I could do for her, she responded, "I've had sex with over 250 men, but that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I've never had an orgasm." "Why did you have sex with all those men?" I asked. "Because that moment when we're sexual is the only time I ever feel loved." Our sessions together revealed extreme sexual abuse by her father from age six to twelve. The abuse destroyed the inhibitors that should have prevented her from acting out with other men. Once again, pain that's addressed and not transformed will be transmitted. The Abuse Reactive Other Woman often emerges from dysfunctional families even where sexual abuse did not occur. Sometimes it stems from excessive sexual activity as a teenager. If a woman sees her mother disrespected or abused by her father, the child may see her mother as weak and pathetic. This may lead her to become the Liberated Other Woman (description below), never wanting to depend on a man the way her mother depended on her abusive father. The same is true of a woman who was 'spousified' by her father. As a child, her father shared his pain, success, and frustrations with his daughter rather than his wife. It may not be sexual, but it is emotional incest. As a result, she lived in a triangle, feeling sorry for her dad because of how her mom was treating him. She failed to see that her mom's reactions were the result of her father's neglect because the information shared was one-sided. Once grown, this woman is susceptible to repeating that same triangle with a married man. In her mind, she competes with the wife, despising her for the way she believes the wife is treating the husband. Little does she know, the husband, like her father, is distorting who their mate really is. Living in the triangle feels normal to them. The Subordinate Other Woman Frequently, this younger woman falls for an older man, often at the workplace. The distinction of this woman is the power differential between herself and the married spouse. The attention paid by someone she respects and the allure of getting ahead allows her to justify the affair. Once the affair begins, this person believes their affair partner when they say they are going to leave their spouse to begin a life with the younger woman. That belief can keep them hanging on for years as they wait. While this person may be naïve, they are certainly not a victim, but neither is the married man who is using them. The Desperate Other Woman This woman is someone who's willing to settle for scraps. She has such low self-esteem, she is willing to take whatever time she can get. She's available at his beck and call, but when demands are placed on him, she rarely warrants a response. Fear of losing the relationship keeps her hanging on, especially since she has no real sense of self. The Liberated Other Woman This career-minded woman enjoys her freedom and wants relationships with no strings attached. She typically has affairs with married men she feels comfortable with. If one of her partners begins to get attached, she will quickly send him packing, at times leaving the married spouse feeling rejected and acting like a lovesick puppy. This woman probably has no real relationships, and thus cannot wrap her mind around the effects of her actions. The Conned Other Woman There are some women who've been conned by the married man. In these cases, the woman has no clue that the man is married. When she finally finds out, it's devastating for her. The length of the relationship and the depth of the bond determine how devastating the loss of the relationship. Generally, these women feel they've been made the fool. The last three categories are adapted from Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends". 2 The Antagonist Other Woman This woman betrays other women by stealing their husbands. She views other women as rivals and feels no need for loyalty to or identification with her own gender. She does not regard herself as a "sister" to other women. She seldom has other women as friends and leans on men to enhance her fragile ego and gratify her emotional needs. The Escapist Other Woman To deny the existence of his wife and family, the escapist affair partner puts the marriage out of mind and out of sight. She never asks questions about his other life. She doesn't consider any repercussions from their illicit affair because the time she spends with her beau is an escape into an alternate reality. The Family Counselor Other Woman Assuming the role of family therapist is another way to assuage guilt. The other woman offers insights to improve her suitor's communication with his children and to help him understand his wife's point of view. Acting partly out of real concern and partly out of self-preservation, she tries to make things better. Laurel Richardson says that the single woman affair partner does "feminist social work among the married."3 As a result, the affair partner perceives herself as a good person who makes positive contributions to her partner's family life. Moving On If you've made it this far, let me reiterate that I'm in no way trying to excuse the other woman. I'm also not saying you have to change a thing in how you view the other woman. I am suggesting you might want to consider the possibility that the situation isn't as black and white as you may think. My hope for all of you is to get free from the marrow-sucking, life-robbing crisis of infidelity. I believe one way that goal is accomplished is by expanding our understanding of those around us and hopefully coming to a point where we can set ourselves free by finding compassion in our hearts for those who have so gravely wounded us. I would grieve if the hurtful actions of others rob you of your humanity. Finally, one of three things will occur with great suffering: You will go insane You will become forever bitter and resentful You will learn to love greatly and have great compassion. The road to the third outcome isn't easy, but it's a goal well worth pursuing. For the sake of others remember: pain that's not transformed will be transmitted. Have the courage to allow your pain to be transformed for your sake and for the sake of those who love you. If you are still having trouble with the idea of pain leading you to love greatly, you are not alone. It seems backwards, and I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't experienced it myself. The trick is having community to walk with you through the process. If you'd like to see if it's truly possible to be free again, consider our upcoming EMS Weekend where we not only seek to help couples transform their pain, but also find new life individually as well as maritally. Registration for Harboring Hope Opens TODAY at Noon CT! You don't have to do this alone! Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course. With Harboring Hope, learn how to weather the pitfalls and hardships following infidelity and start a better, brighter chapter. "I just completed the Harboring Hope program. My husband was unfaithful to me emotionally, physically and sexually with a co-worker. What I wished I would've known is that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. People who refuse to forgive can never live their own lives, they are too busy obsessing about the life of the one who hurt them. They are stuck. They are unable to enjoy friends, family or even their children. They imprison themselves in a bondage of their own making. I definitely recommend the Harboring Hope program as a support for healing. To be in a safe community with other women who know what you're going through and how you're feeling is comforting. Whether you're able to reconcile or not, there is hope." - M., Michigan | HH Participant, April 2021. Space is limited! Use the button below to learn more about Harboring Hope and enroll in this restorative course. Register For Harboring Hope! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: For The Hurt SpouseHow to ForgiveTypes of AffairsRL_Media Type: Text Add New Comment: Comments One of the best articles I have read Submitted by Dawn on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 08:30 I am both a wayward spouse and a betrayed spouse so I have experience being the other woman and having an other woman in my life during my husband's affair. This article resonates with me and maybe it's because I have been on both sides that I never saw my husband's ex affair partner as an evil person - I always saw her as someone in pain (as my husband was when he slipped into the affair). I, as the other woman, was also in pain. We are human and sometimes we make some pretty awful mistakes. The only path to freedom in any of this is forgiveness and letting it all go, which is easier said that done. Thank you for this article. reply Reply to Dawn Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 03/22/2018 - 20:45 I realize the chance for a response may be slim as I see this comment was 4 years ago, but... I too betrayed my husband in an emotional affair. My husband involved himself emotionally and sexually with another woman. I’ve really struggled with hating her, but also being able to see her as a woman who had to have been hurting in her own marriage to have been so easily open to an affair. We are at the 2 year mark of my husband ending the affair. I feel like I’ve forgiven her and then something triggers me and I immediately hate her again. I have not gotten passed just thinking of her constantly. How do I truly forgive and let her go? reply Daring greatly.....now Submitted by kristia on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 08:32 Great article. I would never have been able to wrap my head around this article 2 years ago but now I find myself actually praying for the other woman (this did not come easy by any means!). I am so appreciative for AR and HH. You guys have been a God send. Thank you and blessings. reply Prayer Submitted by Nicole B (not verified) on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 10:44 I also prayed for my husband's affair partner. She cursed me out but I always referred her to God. It's hard but I have always viewed her as a human being and responded to her from a respectful perspective. I strongly agree with this article that she is a young woman who is in serious pain (whether she admits it or not) as she has a history of sleeping with men in their former workplace. She knew he was married and we had children but she continued down that path - I think she believed he would leave me but that part I'll never know because she is not mature enough to have a civil conversation with me. reply Thank you Submitted by Jessica2015 on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 20:17 Thank you for posting this. I am the betrayed spouse and my husband had an affair with a woman 20 years younger then him at work. I spoke to her once and she was hostile and mean as if I was the problem not her. It's been two years and I still have to remind myself that it is she who is the unhealthy one who would accept crumbs from a married man. It's too bad she has never been woman enough to apologize for her role in the affair and seek the help she needs, especially since this isn't the first time she has done this. Still working on praying for her; I'm not there yet. Hopefully I can find a means to forgive her someday. I often reflect on the quote, "life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got." reply Wow Rick! Submitted by The Unfaithful (not verified) on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 08:53 This article is dead on! As the unfaithful wife it was eye-opening to see that I fit into several of these categories. Although my AP was not married, it helped me understand myself from a different perspective (as if I were the AP). Thank you for shedding some light into my trying to understand how I could have allowed myself to be unfaithful. I know it is no excuse for it, but I'm starting to get a better grasp of who I am. Thanks again! reply One type is missing Submitted by jax on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 10:08 The overseas bar girl & her money grabbing ways are missing from the list. For 10 months my husband had an affair & funneled money to this woman that daily (via emails & calls) asked for money. He fell for it. Their affair was 90% through SMS, emails & calls. Although he did spend days& night with her while he was overseas on business trips. This takes a whole different type of processing & I'm not sure one can ever truly explore this other woman. That said, forgives is still my goal because it releases me. We are only 2 weeks from discovery of the whole truth & disclosure but I have hope & these articles help me to maintain my sanity. Thank you for providing such insight. reply They are these types Submitted by jennann on Thu, 08/02/2018 - 04:26 I fell into the same problem - except I live overseas. I gave up my friends, family and career to move here for my husband and he started a two year affair with a bar girl, spending in excess of 10,000$ on her - probably more, I am still learning. These bar girls are desperate and sad, living on the scraps. They betray their own gender. This IS their career - so they are career girls who don’t care who they hurt. They fit into these three categories in my mind. I read this because of how inadequate I feel right now. I alternate between feeling sad for her desperate hollow existence and feeling disgusted and rage til towards her. Mainly I pray (I am not religious but it’s come to this) that she find peace without hurting anyone else. I don’t know what else I can hope for her. Now I’m hoping I can find peace too. reply Understanding and Recovery Submitted by Nicole B (not verified) on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 10:52 My situation is fairly new, having occurred less than a year ago. As my background is in Psychology, I have always taken on the perspective that there is more to this affair than a married man jumping into an affair with a single woman. Many of my questions to my spouse have been to gauge not only his motives but those of his affair partner. I concluded rather early that his AP had to be a woman with a painful history because as I pieced the affair together from information gathered from persons in our workplace - I discovered sadly that there was not a single person who had a nice thing to say about the AP. I received endless stories about her promiscuous sexual activity in the workplace with numerous other co-workers. I reached out to her in the manner that I thought a Christian woman should but she was looking for an argument. I refuse to behave that way - it's not in my character and it's not the way God would have me to respond. Compassion is difficult but necessary. reply who is the other woman Submitted by sharon on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 12:06 thank you Rick... merciful article... I was involved in HH a little over three years ago in the crisis and cruelty of my former husband's affair, insistency of divorce, renouncing of his faith and family and his marriage to his affair partner after 30+ years of marriage... she was his high school girlfriend....his last words to me were "I never loved you and I always loved her"... in the last 6-8 months I have accepted that this situation is maybe as it should be... My ex really wasn't happy with me or family... I knew him to be genuinely happy with his work... as for he and she, their promises were made in the heat of foolishness and deep sinfulness and their reality is going to always be different than their fantasy... I know that she was a desperate woman who intended engagement with a married man, lived with him and then married him... I have generally not been angry at her because she was never a part of the covenant of God in my marriage concerning me... My anger has been minimal at him because his life was full of deceptive in the latter years of our marriage and there was much anger and hostility between the two of us at that time... however lack of anger is not necessarily forgiveness... on going prayer between God and I makes forgiveness probable for me... no magic, no easy but consistent prayer that leads me to the heart of God and His Word where I find transforming forgiveness to be tangible for myself and them... reply Insightful article Submitted by Annonymous2 (not verified) on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 12:07 I had a rebound affair after my wife's multiple affairs. I was so foolish and I lived out what Rick said that Pain not transformed is transferred. I only increased my pain, as well as my wife's, delayed our healing, and almost destroyed the wonderful life that God had given me. It is only because of His grace that I'm still married and we are working on our healing. The article was very insightful for me. Rick I hope you will also write an article from the other side - a betrayed husband. reply Great Article Submitted by ACEmom on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 13:10 Rick, thank you for analyzing this aspect of the affair that we want to relegate to the Dark Side. I know that we are all human and all very much imperfect. These destructive behaviors as intentional as they may feel are just sometimes the design of the perfect storm of two dysfunctional people coinciding. The black hole of questions to understand concerning the why's and how-could-you's is most times an effort in futility. My husband's AP was rebounding and had a history of growing up in an abandoned and abused situation, similar to that of my husband's. They felt so "connected" but it was so wrong and so hurtful to me and my 3 sons who couldn't understand why daddy just suddenly up and left. I'm 9 months from D-day and 4months into reconciliation mode, but he's not progressing in the empathy dept and I'm working on forgiveness of so many sins. Thanks for helping me with this aspect of the Letting go. reply I thought I was ready to read this... Submitted by Karen58 on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 15:20 I thought I was ready to read this.....I mean, it IS almost 17 months from Dday of my H's second EA with a coworker. But reading it brought back the anger all over again and the anger is at BOTH of them for getting together twice within our almost 36 year marriage. She belongs in the Antogonist/Family Counselor categories. I don't think she has any real woman friends. And apparently, she is a good listener. She sure listened to his sob stories about me not sharing his love for farming, the country, cows, tractors, etc. She listened during work, after work, late at night , in the wee hours of the morning- from 2:00 to 5:00 am on occasion- , on lunches, deer lease, a date....and that's just what I know about. There may be more times that I don't know about since my husband is afflicted with affair amnesia. Unfortunately, I have a hard time accepting that they only talked about land, farm machinery, and livestock, especially during the late night and early morning hours. I have prayed for her. I have prayed for him. "Father, Please forgive them because they don't know what they are doing". Over and over. And I do feel sorry for her. She's on her third or fourth marriage. I feel sorry for him that he chose to kill our marriage with his second infidelity and abuse of me for asking questions about it. I am slowly but surely trying to work through my hurt, anger, and bitterness, but until HE chooses to get over his affair amnesia and help me understand the whys, whens, wheres, and hows of the affairs and why he chose to do the abusive things he did, I will never be able to "get over it" as he so eloquently tells me I need to do. This is a great article, and it's all well and good to tell me that maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective, find compassion and understand the other woman, and walk lovingly through the pain, etc.. and I get it - I really do- at least intellectually. I truly don't want to be a resentful person, full of bitterness and anger for the rest of my life. I want to be happy and I would love it if our marriage could be saved. But my heart doesn't get it and it still hurts, hurts, hurts........even after all these months. Suffering every day....perhaps I am insane for staying around this long? I'm beginning to think I am. reply Good article... Submitted by thewretch99 (not verified) on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 17:45 but as a betrayed husband, I would like to see the different dynamics that come with the AP being a male and the wayward spouse being female. reply Thank you for this Submitted by Trying to recover on Thu, 05/01/2014 - 23:42 Thank you for letting me see another side of her. I am 9 days out from it being a 1 year, and the anger and hatred I feel towards his AP is overwhelming at times. From what i have been told she fits into the liberated women slot, but I think I would find more compassion if I knew she had an abusive past. But like the comment above, my husband seems to be afflicted with affair amnesia when I ask questions about what happened, what was said and done, When the affair was first discovered he saw her as "real", centre of attention,life of the party, sexy, smart, well read and beautiful,. Now he recalls her now as Vain, self centred and selfish, and having none of the qualities he would want in his life. He also states now it wasn't real. Very confusing stuff for me to grasp. He said she was his escape. The one question that keeps bothering me that he can't seem to answer is why did he keep coming back home to me and pretend everything was okay? At least at first, then would start treating me rudely and with anger and thoughtlessness for any thought or feeling I may be having. I keep asking and he can't answer. He says because I was his wife and this is his home and where he belongs, but other than that he doesn't know. He had his affairs (3, the last 1 sexual), around the same time of year, the death of his mother and our wedding anniversary that are days apart. Rick I was wondering if you would be so kind as to explore and address this question. How and why does a man keep coming back home when he feels he is so unhappy, pretend he is loving and keep running back to another women at every opportunity? I also keep asking him that if he was so angry and unhappy why didn't he just leave, to which he has no answer. Maybe you have spoke on this before, and I just haven't seen it yet. If so could you be so kind as to pass along the link to me. I would also like to say that your emails have helped me so much and I look forward to everyone. God bless you for helping me and so many others. reply I think Rick might have Submitted by a sad lady on Fri, 05/02/2014 - 14:34 I think Rick might have talked about how men, unlike women, tend to compartmentalize their behavior and beliefs. Your words ring familiar. My H used the affair as a coping mechanism for his own unhappiness. The OW was like alchohol or drugs. She provided the excitement he needed to get away from his self loathing. But he now admits that he could separate that world from the real world he was living in. It isn't pretending, it is more just a line between two world that they could cross fairly easily for the time. reply Another perspective Submitted by Diana on Fri, 05/02/2014 - 02:46 My husband had an affair with a woman he worked with - she was there and made herself available. He was depressed and willing to accept what she offered. She knew he was married and she knew me. She was in the process of leaving her husband. What better way to leave your spouse than to believe you are in love with someone else? I feel sorry for both of them - they were unable to deal with their problems in an adult and emotionally intelligent manner. They were unable to trust their spouses enough to talk about their problems. I am still trying really hard to get past the point of castigating the other woman. I know my husband made choices every single day during his year-long affair. It seems so easy to blame her. They were both stupid to believe each others lies but they are human. What's done is done and there is no way I can change that. They were not my choices. They have to live with the choices they made for the rest of their lives. I wish them luck when they examine their consciences. I am still with my husband because he is a good man and a good father. I am not responsible for his stupidity ( which he acknowledges). reply What is done is done Submitted by Skier on Sun, 05/20/2018 - 10:51 Your comment touched me. I’m in a similar situation with my UH. Neither my husband nor his AF can see that their affair began with deceit and lies. I’m working on “what is done is done” and until I can fully accept that, I’m continuing to hurt myself by not allowing myself to fully embrace my journey with recovery. I cannot change the past, I must learn to live with it. This is certainly a full time job, working on recovery, that I did not want, that I didn’t ask for, and at this time, I’m not getting paid for it. I’m hoping in the future, I will be able to see that this journey of recovery will be priceless for me because I will have a much better understanding of myself. reply Identify with Karen58 Submitted by Cynthia on Fri, 05/02/2014 - 04:40 Hi, I am almost 15 months post d-day. I am somewhere between Karen58 and feeling compassion. I can see both sides and can get swayed easily one way or the other, but when I am feeling compassionate I am most happy. And happiness is what I seek. At this point it doesn't matter if it is with my husband or without him. I have very recently started to see this pain as a journey that will leave me stronger and better. I have felt myself drawn to a married man who would be more than happy to show me a good time, however I keep thinking about his wife. I know I would never do to somebody else what happened to me, and realize that for someone else to do it there must be a self-esteem problem or deep pain. I am better off than my husband and his girlfriend. Their relationship was borne of pain, self-deception, and deceit. I am rich with friends and have peace now. I am also valuing myself in a way I didn't before. It takes time, time, time. It is true that time heals. I just got tired. Bone tired of the pain. And then the pall of pain started to lift somehow and I feel better. Not great, but better. I am sure that great things will come in due course if I keep my heart open. Best to everyone out there going though this nightmare! reply Identify with Karen58 and Cynthia Submitted by Jimmy1959 (not verified) on Fri, 05/02/2014 - 10:25 I identify with you both. I found out about my wife's third EA with the same man, the first was 25 years ago and only found out about the second when I discovered the third. She was also having a cyber affair with her high school boyfriend during the last EA. As someone with a codependent personality I have realistically let her "get away with it" with no real consequences to her. Over the last 14 months since the last Dday I again have allowed her to continue to lie about the facts, make up new lies, not send an end letter or even give me an acceptable apology. She seems perfectly content to do within our marriage what she should have been doing for years but will not accept her responsibility for her "choices" and attampt to undo some of the damage. I have been going to therapy every two weeks and I now realize that my codependency is allowing this to continue but I am becoming stronger. I feel that she has no sense that I could ever really leave her, as I have proven over and over, but I can never be happy myself if I continue that path. I am going to try to make her understand and give her one last chance to take her responsibility, answer my questions, send an "end" letter, apologize and prove that she values our marriage more than her own selfishness. It will take enormous strength for me to do this and I pray for that strength daily. I pray peace for you as well in your painful journey. If anyone has any words of advice or encouragement I could surely use them. Thanks to you all. reply How does knowing she is antagonist help me care about her? Submitted by DD on Fri, 05/02/2014 - 12:45 My husband's affair was brought on by many serious situations in our lives. Needless to say, the stress we were both under was overwhelming and "she" came along saying all the right things at just the right time. I called and asked her to stop and she made a show of leaving her husband the day I asked. Then my husband left me to go to her over 800 miles away. She demanded that he have no contact with his son (or me for that matter) or anyone here in our hometown. It lasted exactly 6 days after he got there. Even though she made a show of "leaving" her husband, she made herself available to him everytime he was home and my husband found out. My husband found out what she was but took another week to come home. So, how do I have any compassion for someone who blatantly makes it a lifestyle to seek out married men and have affairs with them? She sent my husband a song and told him they could talk again - that she wouldn't tell anybody. So I responded and told her to leave us alone. She responded to that and all she did was try to tell me that my husband loved her, would always love her; that I was "bashing" her and that I needed to "think" before I wrote her a nasty note again. She said she forgave me for the note. She did not apologize nor make any attempt to admit that wrong was done! How do I hold any esteem for someone like that? Where do I muster up compassion for someone with this lack of moral responsibility? How does knowing she is an antagonist help me to care about her? I pray for her family daily. I pray that God will open the eyes of her understanding, bring her to her senses and turn her stoney heart to flesh daily. But I have absolutely NO compassion for her - I work to NOT hate her! I daily ask God to help me forgive her. So, where do I go from here? What's next? These "feelings" are not as intense or as frequent as they used to be but they are still there. Any advice? reply Good article with a helpful information & kudos for the warning Submitted by jerry on Sun, 05/04/2014 - 16:04 Rick, I was in Dallas this past week at a conference dealing with this issue of the AP. Wonderful insights from you. Blessings reply Great Article Submitted by KAY on Fri, 05/09/2014 - 10:22 I am only 3 months into discovery much husband's "emotional" affair with a co-worker. The list of women didn't include the "Help Me" woman; the woman who confides in someone to help her with her problems to lure a man in. My husband insists they were 'just friends' and he tried to help (counsel) her with her problems (marital, as in having a cheating, abusive spouse who fathered a child with another woman 15 years prior while she was also pregnant with their child, emotional, etc.) and she 'fell' for my husband. Doesn't excuse the fact that he didn't put a stop to it immediately, but I think it would be helpful for me if I could understand her motives. reply Which other woman was my wife? Submitted by dave0118 on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 11:16 "Due to Affair Recovery demographics I am writing this article as if the man had the affair" Unfortunately as the betrayed husband this comment is all too often found when looking for our help. It adds double to the pain. Having gone through this it is my experience that "demographics" cause the different dynamics for our situation to get little attention. When affairs are pretty much an even split between husband and wife I beg you spend some time for those of us who don't meet the demographics. Or direct us to the little niche provider for us. Thanks. reply Agreed. While this has some Submitted by Gavin (not verified) on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 12:17 Agreed. While this has some good points in it, I have been the faithful partner and my wife is the one off with a man old enough to be her father. I'd love more insight into her betrayal (I have some good ideas, but a professional viewpoint would be excellent). reply Which other woman is my wife? Submitted by 747Bubba (not verified) on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 13:52 I understand your concern...my wife was the other woman. Been five months since I found out about what she terms an emotional affair. There has been very little help for men. reply Well spoken......I am sorry Submitted by resource1 on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 14:39 Well spoken......I am sorry for your pain. Glad to see more men opening up and seeking help....bless you and your journey. reply Betrayed Husband Submitted by Terry2.0 (not verified) on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 14:47 I was about to ask a similar question: When will I get to read the article "Who is the Other Man?" I have never even KISSED another women - EVER - let alone do what my "wife" did. In the majority of cases I know personally, it was the wife who cheated. reply Can you write one of these articles for betrayed husbands Submitted by MS_Bronco on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 15:05 Great article, but would love to see one written to address things from the betrayed husband's point of view reply Yes, one of these for betrayed husbands please Submitted by ABH on Tue, 10/11/2016 - 14:39 I understood what you meant by a "different dynamic" as I read through the article. Please do write one of these about wives who have affairs. reply It's the woman who has strayed Submitted by Elaineismyname (not verified) on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 15:15 I read your comments on the consequences of infidelity. Certainly, if pain is not addressed, the torture of living mentally imprisoned will dominate life. The most disturbing outcome mentioned was the possibility of going insane. There have been times when I have waited for that to happen. However, compassion and empathy do seem to play a vital role in moving forward and out of limbo. I am a woman who, as the above article alludes, has so desperately waited for aspects of the marriage to reignite. When this did not happen . . . My husband strongly suspect my infidelity but I will not confirm or deny. I do respect him and value the time we have been together. As such, I cannot bring myself to emasculate him by admitting that health reasons has denied a part of marriage I simply must include to be happy. We had this for so long but looking back does not help with looking ahead. I finally just left and told him I wanted to be separated. Perhaps there is a remedy. I feel that he is so busy blaming me for the breakup that he can't think of anything but self-justification. I wanted to write something here that would help other women. I keep thinking that every day is a day I will never live again. Women, learn to be happy with yourself and don't look for a man to fulfil any need. Now, that is a totally insane comment so maybe I may be headed in that direction. Ha. reply Who Israel other woman? Submitted by wantingtomoveforward on Thu, 10/06/2016 - 06:18 What category would you put the escort, prostitute etc in? reply Sorry... This comment was Submitted by wantingtomoveforward on Thu, 10/06/2016 - 06:24 Sorry... This comment was meant to be immediately after the first part of article in "Who is the other woman?" Also there is obviously a typo in the heading. reply Aanother betrayed husband......who IS my wife???? Submitted by Ritzy (not verified) on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 18:54 Hi Rick, I’m a long time subscriber to your emails (not that I really wanted to be in the club, but my wife’s affairs granted me membership), and may I firstly say that of all the infidelity websites and mailing groups, I find your emails and articles speak to me the best. While I wish that there were one approach, one answer to one solution, infidelity is a complex subject and I find your style honest, as you seem to encourage us to ask the right questions of both ourselves and our partners, and we have to solve the puzzle. Like Dave (above), and after 24 years of marriage, I find that I am the betrayed spouse (18 months after discovery). Looking back, I feel that it took me a while to get over the pain and understand that there are things that I can control. Little things, like changing my outlook from victim to survivor, and identifying the true meaning of the serenity prayer (and letting go of things that I can’t control) really took a long while for me to grasp, but I guess the magnitude of my betrayal meant that I took a while longer to get over the anger, hurt and pain. While I would also like to hear the differing perspective and distinction when a wife cheats on her husband, from the little that I do know of her affairs, I found that I could easily flip this article around and consider her as the other woman (both of her affairs were with married men, and she wasn’t pursued by them or abused or neglected by me – she admitted to initiating them), so this was beneficial to me to try to work out what type/s of “other woman” she is. We are blessed with having a wonderful Christian marriage counsellor to guide us (and I have a great psychologist and doctor who support me as well), but unfortunately I feel that we haven’t got to the bottom of the real root causes of the affairs (I know of two, but I have a sinking feeling that, like an iceberg, there is so much more below the surface), and both my love and patience is wearing thin (and so is our counsellor's). My wife has always been a controlling person who easily angers when she doesn’t get her own way, and seems to always have her “fight” mechanism stuck in the “ON” position, which has made communication between us very difficult over the years, and this continues to this day. I feel that she would like to sweep this under the carpet (she tells me that if I had the affair, she would have found it easier to deal with....) and not do any introspective work to find and heal her pain, and I have decided that if that is the case, then I won’t stay much longer to receive her transmitted pain, so I am grateful to now have the strength and understanding to let go if needed. It’s taken a while, but I have found some embers of self respect, and would like to be free from her anger and control and have the hope of a better life if we were to go our separate ways. reply Still don't know who she was Submitted by GloriaE (not verified) on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 19:23 My divorce is final today. Yes today. October 5, 2016. This nightmare went on for 3 1/2 years. I made it through. All I asked of him was to tell me the truth. What was her name? Who was she ? He never told me the truth. I never followed him or did anything like that. His family met her while we just started to go through this hell. He didn't even know her for 3 months and his family met her. I still don't know who this person is, nor do I care anymore. She is like dirt beneath my shoes. He is still the deceiving sly fox and will never change. I forgave him because all that anger became toxic waste and they both weren't worth it. She through him out 3 times and eventually went back to her ex husband. My husband at the time actual ly told me that. What a joke. And he said she took his breath away. I bet she did. I'm in a good place now. It took me three and half years to finally breath again. I'm moving out next week to my own place. There is a new beginning for me. This life here has ended. Yet, I still don't know who she was. reply Who knows? Submitted by Tray (not verified) on Wed, 10/05/2016 - 20:48 The problem with this article is...I so not know the other woman. I am guessing what she is all about. I have no idea if her husband ignored her or if he abused her. All I know is that she wanted to make a life with MY husband regardless of who it hurt in the process. Believe me, I blame my husband MORE than her. He is the one who broke our vows. He is the one who destroyed my trust and shattered my belief in him. How wrong is it got me to ask her? I would like to know why. But i discovered the affair a year and a half ago. And I am still very angry and bitter about it. reply Who is the other woman Submitted by Phyl (not verified) on Tue, 10/11/2016 - 19:01 My husband is 37 yrs older than her & she was pregnant at that time; from her husband. They worked together & both like to gamble. She knew he was married. They constantly texted. My husband is 67. I thought we could make things work. We'd go to different places & I thought things were ok but I find out many months later, he was still texting or calling her, while we were out together. This went on for 11 months after we got back together. She kept texting & he didn't answer them but I told him to send her a text & tell her off. He said he can't do that! I made him send her one & I haven't seen any messages or calls. I just sounds too good to be true. My husband has been cheating for years & I never had a clue about it. I blame him because he chose to do this & chose not to stop it. I also blame her cause she knew he was married. reply Interesting Submitted by Life goes on (not verified) on Thu, 10/06/2016 - 04:02 My husband had three affairs that I am aware of: one with a career woman, and two with subordinates. It was confirmed to me last year December. I did hate them and call them names. They were not conned - they were aware he was married, maybe not happily, but still married. The only thing that has helped me cope with them is imagining what I would say if they came to confront me and for all of them: they are all to be pitied, one has to be really brain washed to think that receiving half a relationship, half a person is actually worthwhile. It takes someone really confident in themselves to say that they dont touch married men. reply Who is the other woman? Submitted by wantingtomoveforward on Thu, 10/06/2016 - 06:21 What category would you put the escort, pristitute etc in? reply My husband cheated with Submitted by patsy (not verified) on Thu, 10/06/2016 - 11:49 My husband cheated with numerous women who he meet online, not sure how to caragorize these women. There is not a lot of support for recovery from multiple brief affairs. Don't know where I stand in this case. Is there any hope for me? reply 'Other man' profile Submitted by kmc on Thu, 10/06/2016 - 15:35 I am interested in also reading about the 'other man' profile. I'd like to understand what category my cheating husband falls under. reply Just friends Submitted by Heidi on Thu, 10/06/2016 - 18:28 What about my husband and his affair partner claiming they were "just friends" and all they did was talk (for hours on end) and go out for a drive in the car? Where does that fit in? reply Not sure if I can forgive my husband's AP/secretary Submitted by par40 on Fri, 10/14/2016 - 08:11 I have been dealing with my husband's secretary for at least 25 years. I did not trust her when I was 30 years old and now I am 57. My intuition told me they were too close, but my husband always denied it. Well on June 9, 2016 his cell phone inadvertently was on speaker phone and I heard what she said to my husband and now knew they were having an affair. My husband assures me it is over and there is only business between them now. I have no idea how long this has been going on, if it was just emotional or if sex was involved. He will not tell me details since I get so upset when we talk about this betrayal. He thinks everything is "ok" now and we should move on. The AP partner still works for him and is not going anywhere. I am going to counseling by myself. He will not go since according to him he knows the problem is his alcoholism. For 34 years, I supported my husband's job by handling everything at home. I gave up a good job to raise our children. The last 8 years I have had to take care of a daughter with two bouts of cancer(she is in remission now) and handling 4 weddings in the last 2 1/2 years and then I get this bomb shell. Right now I can not even think of forgiving either of them. I really dislike the AP intensely and blame her more than my husband which is unfair. Not sure where I will be in a year regarding this situation. reply I still don't know completely Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 11/04/2016 - 01:37 It was an emotional affair(pictures included) that my husband had with a schoolmate.20 years of marriage and being best friends and four beautiful children. It many ways it still seems like it didn't really happen.I had to pretend I was my husband texting her to end it. She still persisted by sending pictures, saying she was crying, sending memes. We had to change his cell phone number, and avoid the calls she made him to his work. He deleted every single text and Facebook conversation with her when I called him out on it, and he won't tell me what was on there. So I just have to live with not knowing how deep this relationship of 4 mths(so I'm told) was between them. And that is the big betrayal for me. He says it haunts him every single day and I want the both of us to be free from this. reply Sounds about right Submitted by jen1 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 19:28 My ex-husband had an affair with a woman ten years younger who's husband cheated on her. He left me. That was about 3 years ago. They've been married for one year. It's been horrible but God is leading the way. This article was informative and a little bit painful. I wish the new wife could have a chance to read it. Lol! reply This has been a really Submitted by RebeccaD (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 09:48 This has been a really helpful article... I am 10 months post D-Day and though things are progressing well with my husband, I am still struggling with forgiving the OW. She was single, a friend, and is about 10 years younger. I haven't seen or spoken to her since I kicked her out of our house (where she'd been staying to help with the kids), but I know that she has been changing her story and blaming my husband for everything. But I convinced that she'd been pursuing my husband long before he noticed her advances... I'm not really sure where to go with this now but know that I need to deal with it all! reply I can't do it yet. Submitted by Emily Berg (not verified) on Mon, 03/19/2018 - 21:23 I'm 8 months post discovery now. I've prayed for my husband's AP, who was 10 years younger, but I've only been able to muster a weak prayer that she finds God, because I know this is the only way she will ever stop her pattern of sleeping with married men. I can only see her as the face of Satan right now. I let her steal my joy and my healing, and I hate it, but I also don't want to let it go. I hope some day i can forgive her, but right now, I feel like I have to keep hating her or I will hate my husband instead. reply She was Conned but stupid Submitted by Immortal (not verified) on Sat, 03/31/2018 - 07:01 I have had this article up on my browser for weeks. I have read it repeatedly. I am 2yrs 2 months since d-day... The OW was a family friend, so close she was family to us. She is 20 years younger than me (friends with my oldest daughter), about 14 years younger than him... the affair started in July 2014... by Feb 2016 she got pregnant, aborted... got pregnant again Oct 2016, aborted... He told her we were divorced. Going so far as to produce fake divorce papers... we still aren’t divorced. She (and I) believed the lies. She refused to listen to proof he was married and living home (he had lived with her for 18 months). It was like she choose to ignore everyone and called us names. Told people I was delusional and crazy... The affair is likely still going on. Every few months he slips up and I catch interaction between them; tell him to leave and goto her so I can just end this chapter of my life and move on... he won’t. I am just as stupid as she is. Only I have three kids (1 who is special needs) and it’s because of them I try to save this marriage... her reason is “I love him”. Almost 4 years and counting. Maybe one day I will be free. reply My story Submitted by Isela (not verified) on Tue, 10/09/2018 - 01:03 I have quite a bit of a long story and would like some one to help me. reply I prayed for her Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 04/12/2020 - 17:43 I spent a great deal of time hating the female my husband slept with. I went so far as to wish death upon her daily at one point. My hatred for her consumed me. I couldn't wrap my head around how my husband got caught up with a crackhead who legitimately went after him knowing full well that he was married with children. After a lot of soul searching I realized she has endured so much trauma in her own life from the time she was young (father who left early, mother who had affairs with married men, she is a single mother to a little girl with no father in sight, her own father comes in and out of her life only to leave her every time, etc.) There are a myriad of issues here to touch on. Generational legacy, daddy issues, lack of self worth, competition with the spouse of the married men she hooks up with. I finally began praying for her. I prayed that she would learn to love herself and find value in herself just as she is, that she would start paying attention to her daughter and become the mother that that child so desperately needs, that she would wake up and realize that not only did my husband never love or care for her and he used her just the same as every other married man has in the past and that she should want more for herself. That she will never find her soulmate in another person's spouse. And that she will value herself enough to begin looking for love with available men and NEVER go actively pursuing another woman's husband again. I don't hate her anymore. I honestly pity her. reply Pages12next ›last »
