Why This Hurts So Much... Below is information taken directly from our Harboring Hope coursework.1 We hope it provides an example of the type of recovery work betrayed spouses do while they pursue healing. Our society does not deal well with grief. It is the normal reaction to loss, but because our culture does not handle grief well, you may have never learned to deal with it. You may have unresolved grief from earlier losses that is compounded as you deal with this new tragic situation. It's important to realize that it is normal to feel intense grief after betrayal. Betrayal is loss. As a matter of fact, it is actually a whole list of losses. Recognizing the losses associated with infidelity and giving yourself permission and ample time to grieve those losses are both critical to a successful recovery. This is true whether there ultimately is reconciliation in the marriage or not. Infidelity results in numerous losses: loss of identity, loss of the person to whom you believed you were married, loss of the idea of your marriage, loss of safety or security in your marriage, loss of trust in yourself as well as your mate, and loss of hope for your marriage and/or dreams for the future. Your current reality is much the same as someone who is experiencing the death of a loved one, except your loss is much more complicated. You likely have little or no support compared to someone who lost a loved one. That's because your type of grief is called: "disenfranchised grief." This type of grief is much more challenging to navigate. Disenfranchised grief is connected to a loss that is unrecognized by society at large. It is the loss of something that people may not know about, or even if they do know about the infidelity, they might view either partner's pain as "deserved" or "not that bad." Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course and start a better, brighter chapter. Learn More | Harboring Hope Whether you have shared your loss(es) with a few trusted friends or not shared it with anyone, you may feel as though people look down on you and see you as deficient in some way. Not sharing your loss may feel safer and less embarrassing, but it is not beneficial for your recovery. There are crucial aspects of grief and loss, and they are a necessary part of working through it. You cannot sweep the infidelity pain under the rug even if you try! And as many of you painfully know, trying to avoid it only prolongs your recovery. Also, it is not unusual for past hurts and unresolved grief to resurface when one experiences losses associated with infidelity. This phenomenon occurs in normal grieving. One loss can trigger grief for other losses that were not adequately grieved previously. This may include deaths or other significant relationship losses experienced in the past. It's very common for the pain of childhood sexual trauma to resurface when infidelity is discovered. The Bible encourages us to count the cost before we begin something—not as a discouragement, but so we are empowered to make plans, make wise decisions, and end conflict. Please spend the time you need to learn to grieve well. Consider the full cost of the infidelity, not just to you, but also to others and your wayward mate as well. What is Normal Grief The way we grieve is affected by many factors: the family we came from, the way grief was modeled, our own history of loss, our basic personality and gender, our relationship, the magnitude of the loss, our particular culture, and whether we tend to be more thinkers, feelers, or doers. The way we have (or have not) grieved previous losses affects how we approach the losses associated with infidelity. Some of us come from families in which tears were not acceptable—or worse, punished. Others of us come from traditions where it is okay to be sad, but only for a brief moment. Grieving is an individual experience; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people grieve by crying openly without embarrassment. Others cry only when they are alone and behind a closed door. Some people grieve by "doing." These people are not avoiding their feelings but rather expressing them through actions. Many people grieve through anger. Misunderstandings among family members often spring up because people don't grieve the same way. No matter your grief style, it is not linear. Some of the models listed in grief materials have stages, but grief does not always happen in a step-by-step manner. It is important to understand that grief is not a successive order of steps. The grieving model I find most useful was devised by a man named J. William Worden. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross also has a five-stage grief model that is very good. Please know that the model you use does not matter as much as your active commitment to allowing yourself the time and space to grieve! While both partners may see the need for the betrayed to grieve, often guilt and shame can tell the wayward partner they have no right to grieve. Realizing the losses and transforming the pain is, however, necessary for both spouses and also an opportunity for both to provide empathy to the other. Worden's model uses "tasks" instead of "stages" or "steps," because he believes that grieving must be a proactive process. The first task in his model is to accept the reality of the loss.2 Shock, numbness, and disbelief are usually experienced initially after a loss.2 Many times, others mistakenly look at someone in shock and think they are being strong. The emotions that come after the shock and numbness wear off can feel like a huge wave—a whip in the face they never saw coming. The second task in Worden's model is to WORK THROUGH (PROCESS) THE PAIN OF THE GRIEF.2 Normal feelings include sadness, anxiety, anger, isolation, loneliness, guilt, relief, and even feelings of craziness, and/or hallucinations. What usually occurs after the pain sets in is a bouncing back and forth between overwhelming feelings of betrayal and moments in which the individual goes back into disbelief and numbness. I believe this is God's grace in action. It is keeping one from experiencing the enormity of all these feelings at the same time. This part of the healing journey can take some time, so be patient with yourself. Enjoy the moments that are not filled with overwhelming pain and recognize it takes a while for the pain to truly get better. Be patient with yourself. Enjoy the moments that are not filled with overwhelming pain, while recognizing it takes a while to truly get better. Seek expert care while you're grieving. Knowledge will be a form of power for you. Find Community. Our courses are an excellent source of support for your unfolding journey Grieving infidelity is complicated. It is not a normal sort of grief. It is a stigmatized, disenfranchised grief. It's common for people to have very strong opinions. Please seek out those who will empathize and not bring judgment. Remember that our culture is downright terrible at accommodating those who are grieving, especially those who are grieving infidelity. As a society, we make few allowances for pain or feelings anyway. We are a pain-free, death-denying culture, and as a result, an individual grieving may get only a few days off to deal with what has happened. And someone who is grieving a betrayal does not get any time off at all! You may be in a position where you have to let loved ones know what you need. If you'd like to find community, consider our Harboring Hope course. You can also find support and expert help for your recovery by joining our Recovery Library. It's a monthly membership, a "go at your own pace" recovery without having to commit to a year or any other length of time. Simply take it month by month as you find help for grief and direction for your recovery efforts. The Harboring Hope Course is authored by Hardie, Leslie, LCSW, and Haney, John Mark, Ph.D., LPC, Harboring Hope, (Austin: Hope for Recovery, 2008). Worden, J. William, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, (New York, New York City: Springer Publishing Company, Inc. 2008). For additional reading on this topic of grief, consider reading: Lewis, C. S. A Grief Observed, (San Francisco: Harper, 2001). Have you experienced infidelity? We want to hear about your experience. Please take a few minutes to complete our survey linked below. Your insights will contribute to ongoing research in this field aimed at improving support for those impacted by infidelity. Together we can make a difference! 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