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Common Justifications for Why Women Cheat

Understanding the reason behind infidelity is crucial to recovery. Without a basic understanding of why someone cheated, it's difficult for the betrayed spouse to determine the probability of future safety. The task of understanding the "why" behind their mate's infidelity is further complicated by gender differences.

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One of the biggest mistakes betrayed spouses fall prey to is mistakenly assuming their mate's motivations for cheating are similar to what their motivations would be. It’s usually not the case.

Assumed similarities are the primary barrier to understanding the "why" behind an affair.

Over the past few years, my staff and I have seen a sharp increase in the number of unfaithful females who are reaching out for help. I hope this article serves as a warning sign for those who are at risk for acting out with an affair of their own.

One of our sayings at Affair Recovery is, "My mate is never my problem (that is not to say my mate doesn't have serious problems), my mate only reveals the problems in me."

As many betrayed spouses will attest, two people can be in a bad marriage and only one will cheat.

Why women cheat is not that dissimilar to why men cheat. It can stem from:

Developmental Trauma
Sexual Trauma
Grandiosity/Entitlement
Existential Crisis
Abuse Reenactment
Bad Company
Revenge
Limerence
And many other reasons.

Whether the partner who strayed is male or female, my warning is always the same: be careful about assuming you know their reason. Odds are, the person who strayed doesn't know all the "whys" behind their actions, and if they don't know, you certainly don't know.

My encouragement to both parties is to assume you don't know and be curious. For the wayward spouse, I'd suggest finding a qualified therapist who can help you to identify contributing factors and find new strategies to remain safe. Another suggestion is to participate in our course for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing. Working with others in that program often provides unique insight into your motivations and behaviors.

Below are two examples of what women believed to be contributing factors. First is the story of one of our mentor couples. Second is a poem written over 130 years ago.

An Unfaithful Wife to Her Husband

by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
written around 1865

Branded and blackened by my own misdeeds
I stand before you; not as one who pleads
For mercy or forgiveness, but as one,
After a wrong is done,
Who seeks the why and wherefore.
Go with me
Back to those early years of love, and see
Just where our paths diverged. You must recall
Your wild pursuit of me, outstripping all
Competitors and rivals, till at last
You bound me sure and fast
With vow and ring.
I was the central thing
In all the Universe for you just then.
Just then for me, there were no other men.
I cared
Only for tasks and pleasures that you shared.
Such happy, happy days. You wearied first.
I will not say you wearied, but a thirst
For conquest and achievement in man's realm
Left love's barque with no pilot at the helm.
The money madness, and the keen desire
To outstrip others, set your heart on fire.
Into the growing conflagration went
Romance and sentiment.
Abroad you were a man of parts and power--
Your double dower
Of brawn and brains gave you a leader's place;
At home you were dull, tired, and commonplace.
You housed me, fed me, clothed me; you were kind;
But oh, so blind, so blind.
You could not, would not, see my woman's need
Of small attentions; and you gave no heed
When I complained of loneliness; you said
"A man must think about his daily bread
And not waste time in empty social life--
He leaves that sort of duty to his wife
And pays her bills, and lets her have her way,
And feels she should be satisfied."
Each day
Our lives that had been one life at the start,
Farther and farther seemed to drift apart.
Dead was the old romance of man and maid.
Your talk was all of politics or trade.
Your work, your club, the mad pursuit of gold
Absorbed your thoughts. Your duty kiss fell cold
Upon my lips. Life lost its zest, its thrill,
Until
One fateful day when earth seemed very dull
It suddenly grew bright and beautiful.

I spoke a little, and he listened much;
There was attention in his eyes, and such
A note of comradeship in his low tone,
I felt no more alone.
There was a kindly interest in his air;
He spoke about the way I dressed my hair,
And praised the gown I wore.
It seemed a thousand, thousand years and more
Since I had been so noticed. Had mine ear
Been used to compliments year after year,
If I had heard you speak
As this man spoke, I had not been so weak.
The innocent beginning
Of all my sinning
Was just the woman's craving to be brought
Into the inner shrine of some man's thought.
You held me there, as sweetheart and as bride;
And then as wife, you left me far outside.
So far, so far, you could not hear me call;
You might, you should, have saved me from my fall.
I was not bad, just lonely, that was all.

A man should offer something to replace
The sweet adventure of the lover's chase
Which ends with marriage, Love's neglected laws
Pave pathways for the "Statutory Cause."¹

I doubt her husband's neglect is the only contributing factor, and it's not a viable excuse. If it were, then every situation in which a partner feels neglected would serve as a justification for infidelity. But it does pull back the curtain and reveal this woman's thoughts

There is no simple answer as to why women cheat. It's complicated, but I do know that healing and transformation are possible for both partners and for the marriage if they are willing to do the work.

World Voices by Ella Wheeler Wilcox. New York : Hearst's International Library Company, 1916.

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She's a good writer but her frilly words offer no justification!

Submitted by ilovemyhome2 on Wed, 11/01/2017 - 12:36

Infidelity is a choice, not a pity party. I agree with the other comments-- I am a woman who was married to a cold narcissist for 20 years. I was lonely, I was neglected, I put his needs before my own every day. I felt empty, alone, and I felt that something must be wrong with me. We grew apart, but that will happen when a spouse puts another person between your marriage. To say I was devastated to find out "Mr. Faithful" had several affairs, the last culminating in a child, is an understatement. It is two years since "D-Day", and I am still shell-shocked. Despite all that I was missing in my marriage, I remained loyal. Just because a woman (or man) is lonely and feels neglected is no green light for an affair. I hear no violins for the poet. She sounds just like my ex-husband trying to justify what he did.

Right on

Submitted by Cudatango on Wed, 11/01/2017 - 23:17

Betrayed husband. Over the last 28 years, our relationship has been very hard at times. ..still no excuse. As unhappy as I've been many times I've stayed loyal. ...even the 3 years after finding out we weren't both loyal :-(

I hear you

Submitted by Wanting Victory on Mon, 11/06/2017 - 23:01

Totally understand, Cudatango. I was going through some extremely hard times battling unemployment during a few years and I found out that I overwhelmed my wife during this time period. She gave me no warning that she was drifting from our marriage, never said we needed to go to counseling or get help from another couple or anything. Just like you, over the 20-plus years of our marriage I was also unhappy and lonely in our relationship but remained faithful, so I think it is major BS for any spouse to play the "excuse" card. There is always a choice to be made.

I know Rick was just the messenger

Submitted by ilovemyhome2 on Wed, 11/01/2017 - 12:41

Just want to clarify that I do not think Rick was offering a justification. He clearly states that there is no reason for infidelity. He was just shedding light on why some women justify cheating. My comment speaks to those women.

Agreed

Submitted by Cudatango on Wed, 11/01/2017 - 23:19

I believe that too

Why she cheats

Submitted by CeeLynne (not verified) on Thu, 11/02/2017 - 18:53

For years I was the devoted wife to my cherished husband since right out of high school. The love of my life. Then as he became more successful in his career, he became more critical of me and picked up a drinking problem. But still he was my rock, my best friend. I thought. Until I discovered his years of a double life at age 50. Years of hookers, strip clubs, affairs, gay affairs, lies and gas-lighting to my face every day. My marriage was a lie. He made it financially impossible to leave. Do I believe God has this in store for me? No, I can't believe he does. I don't think this man deserves my loyalty anymore. He virtually destroyed my life.

Rewrite

Submitted by Untold (not verified) on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 07:10

Lots of comments here, most of them unsupportive of the woman writing the letter. I'll pile on.

Betrayed husband here, still trying to learn to trust 4 years after. My wife could have written that letter. I heard much of the same - AFTER - I discovered the infidelity - NOT BEFORE. These justifications and reasons spewed out amongst continued lies, deceit, contempt and rewrite of marital history. It was denial, self defense, blame-shifting.

Our marriage was not perfect, no. But it was really really good. Most would have envied us and did. Good kids, good living, fun times as family. When menopause, empty-nester syndrome, mid-life crisis, self-absorption and social media obsession led her back to her high school boyfriend of 25 years ago, what little self-control she had left vanished. It was over. Never again can I feel 100% trust, 100% loyalty, 100% faith in our marriage.

Most people who cheat have to write their story like this woman did (cognitive distortion) to maintain some sense of self-worth and self respect, in my opinion.

Why? you all ask and want to know.

Submitted by Jane Anne (not verified) on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 09:10

Isn't the point of this post WHY? Why did they do it? How could this happen? Isn't this the million dollar question?
Anyone betrayed wants to know why. Rick's point here is not to offer an excuse or justification for the betrayer, but to shed light into that million dollar question. Why?
I was the cheating spouse. 5 years ago I had a 3 month affair. Why did I do it? I could say something similar to the poem. But that doesn't matter. I can tell you how I was feeling prior to the affair. But that doesn't matter. I made the wrong choice, I chose the wrong path to deal with my feelings of neglect, or worthlessness, or loneliness...or whatever. But it doesn't matter. I can tell you how I felt and what I was feeling when it happened, that I was hurting inside. But it doesn't matter. It's not what you want to hear. You ask me to explain and I do. But then that becomes my 'justification' or my 'excuse.' Or maybe you feel that I am trying to shift the blame on you, the betrayed?
No. It's an explanation of feelings. You asked and wanted to know. There is no excuse or justification - cheating is the wrong choice in any situation. I don't have an excuse and I don't blame my husband. I made bad choices when I was hurting. (4 solid yrs of counseling have helped me regain the strength I threw away) Most of you reading this as the betrayed can say, 'I was hurting or lonely or whatever too, but I remained faithful.' Good for you because you have that strength, honor and integrity. I did not. But you asked why? The answer is that I lost my strength, honor and integrity. I was weak. But if you want to understand and try to heal, when you ask the question why - then listen to the answer. It won't be what you want to hear.
But the point is- you asked. So listen. If you want to know, listen. Is it painful to hear? Yes, but if you ask and you truly want to know, listen and hear what is said. If you want to throw the answer you get back at your unfaithful spouse and only hear them trying to justify or make an excuse, then you don't really want to hear why. There will never be a good or acceptable answer to that question. But if you truly want to know and heal, listen to what is said. There is never a justification for cheating, but there are reasons. They will all be weak reasons no matter what. But you can take those reasons and work together to go beyond, if you choose.

Fair Point

Submitted by Untold (not verified) on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 11:59

Fair point JA. A lot though depends on how the answers are delivered. Voluntary disclosure with remorse? Or drug out kicking and screaming with contempt? With sincerity, empathy and goal of mutual understanding? Or with impatience, minimization, hostility and goal of shutting down the discussion and shutting up the one asking. Just saying, I've seen both and the delivery immensely affects the message.

Thank you

Submitted by Lizzie Beth (not verified) on Fri, 11/03/2017 - 14:49

I wanted to say thank you for this. As a betrayed spouse, this was one of the trickiest parts of recovery for me: learning to listen to valid points and feelings while understanding that the actions resulting from those feelings were choices. Its good to be reminded.

I totally get you. You see I

Submitted by angelz (not verified) on Fri, 01/05/2018 - 21:46

I totally get you. You see I had affair at the time my husband was recovering from a surgery. We were having diffcuties before that. I felt like every time I wanted to talk to him he just dismiss me which made me feel insecure in myself. I just shut down even though he said to get help because I felt like it wouldn't do any good he won't change. Just from some of his statements he make when I would talk about things that bothered me. I wasn't giving him sex regularly so he went out and got it that why he had to have surgery cause he hurt himself trying to look overly fit. I try to explain myself and tell him how I felt insecure and that he didn't care about my feelings but he calls me names and how could I do that when he was in the shape he was. My affair was 14 months with same guy can't believe I did this I really am angry at myself more than my husband thinks. Well as soon as he recovered he continued to have affairs even after mine stopped. I did take care of him during that time not faithful but I didn't not help him. I ended my affair because I did love my husband and I didn't like myself even more I just lack courage to end it sooner. I was like well this is just husband I love him even if he don't always listen. I can't believe I let myself get weak. My husband calls me all sorts names but I know I made huge mistake and am sorry. I hurt him and I wish to make it right. He tells me he wants me but needs to know why I tell him and he says not good enough. Idk what to do I love him and wish he wasn't talking to women. He says it because of what I did all of it even his side. He says he wants space and wants me to move out. I really just want to be with him even though he doing what he is doing and testing me like garbage. I know this is just pain and hope that we can work out everything and stay together.

The point of the poem

Submitted by Jeagle2435 (not verified) on Wed, 02/20/2019 - 09:39

The point of the poem, which we pile on against, is that it IS justification. She even says she's not pleading for forgiveness. She's telling her husband she cheated on him because HE left her alone. The whole poem points out his faults, and what we're saying is often when our wives cheat, they do this same thing - they point out our faults and many times even re-write the history of the marriage to justify the affair.

So the point is, like you said, that the reason why has nothing to do with how we were as a husband. It's because our wife lacked honesty, integrity, and loyalty. It's HER own issues that made her cheat, not ours. I'm fine with hearing that, but don't ever come at me and say the reason why was because of me. Especially in the case of my marriage - I know how I was, because I've been taught and self-taught to be an attentive husband - I've been reading books on romance and cultivating a good marriage since before I was engaged. I wasn't perfect, but I was always caring and I always showed my love. We went through a 2 month rough patch where she decided to cheat. I know the reason why, and hearing that it wasn't about me is okay. But it doesn't lessen the hurt. It doesn't give us the one gift we'll want most from you - that you never cheated, and that you could have had integrity and kept your vows. We listen, and it hurts. Hopefully you'll never have to experience the same thing - you may not listen and understand quite as well as you think you might.

You're right

Submitted by Jeremy G (not verified) on Wed, 06/05/2019 - 12:44

It's a good point Jane Anne. My wife's reasons are never really going to make sense because of the circumstances of her affair, but I can accept them. What I didn't accept when she first confessed the affair was that she did it because of me and how I was treating her (I was emotionally distant for 3 months while we went through a difficult time with our business), but because the time frame was so short it just wasn't a viable excuse. (not that it's ever a viable excuse even if it's been longer, but I figure anyone can get through 90 days of their spouse having a rough time because of a clear outside force, in our case the business struggles). When she dug deeper she realized her self-esteem and emotional issues that she had always looked to me completely to fulfill and where she found all her worth. It still doesn't make sense to me that she could betray so quickly, but I can accept the answer that she was weak and lacked the integrity to make the right decision. And it helps to move forward to understand this, as that's a problem we can deal with. I can also remember that I shouldn't be emotionally distant during stressful times, because that's not helpful, but obviously we'll have rough patches in marriage that you can't avoid. But since we can deal with her emotional and long-standing self-esteem issues, it will make rough patches something that she now can get through.

Reasons

Submitted by miakia on Sun, 07/07/2019 - 18:49

I kind of have an idea for what the “reasons” were now. Because we were two people who never, ever discussed the state of our marriage, talked about any dissatisfactions, or even asked one another about what could make things be better. The only thing we ever did was to survive each day, and if there was no disaster happening for either, then we just kept things going on for many years. And we were raising kids too-we never talked about money or goals together. I am the wife and between raising our kids, I got jobs to help out-mostly in the evenings. We had plenty of fun times with our kids when they were little-we did many fun family things with extended family and friends. But somewhere we got lost when our kids became teenagers and adults-things changed then. And I was too busy focusing on them especially when one was disabled, and I didn’t notice his affair. I probably wanted a little space for myself also. But our lack of real communication all along caused a problem, especially when he went into his affair with co-worker. And he lied and denied for a long time. And it is hard to get back into real communication when it was lacking for so long

Not buying it

Submitted by No way (not verified) on Wed, 09/11/2019 - 12:16

This is a horribly triggering and hurtful video. It blames men completely for failing to meet the needs of their wives so that is why they went off looking elsewhere. So as men we have no option but to meet all seven of the needs of their wife 24/7 or they will likely run off to the first men that gives them a wink or a smile. Are women that weak that they need that kind of attention all the time from men? And what hope do us men have to keep a wife happy and faithful because there is no way for us to be that perfect all the time. So essentially we are screwed because of biology. Spend your entire existence as a man entertaining your wife or she will have the right to go elsewhere. I will not have anything to do with women again if this is the ultimate fate. What happened to working on things together? Communication? The needs of the men in the marriage? This video destroyed my day and hope for the future with new relationships as it made me realize women just treat this as a game to be pursued and constantly won like a prize by men...or else.

Videos

Submitted by Due (not verified) on Wed, 09/11/2019 - 14:52

I don’t watch videos. I just read the articles.

So I’m curious, if neglect is

Submitted by peter123 on Thu, 09/12/2019 - 08:50

So I’m curious, if neglect is the driving factor behind women’s infidelity, why didn’t Samuel and Rick’s wives cheat?

This is a poorly executed video and very off base.

Common Justifications for Why Women Cheat

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 09/12/2019 - 10:59

Agreed! I had exactly the same thoughts and comments.

Women also cheat simply for sex.

Submitted by anonymous208 (not verified) on Tue, 09/17/2019 - 10:36

There are some women who are hedonistic who simply cheat because they like sex and particularly crave sex with someone new.

If this woman is claiming she cheated because she felt neglected. then she is very self absorbed and incapable of self soothing of entertaining herself.

Common Justifications for Why Women Cheat

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 09/12/2019 - 10:48

This article and video are insulting and blaming to good men and husbands and is hypocritical to what you preach. Marriage and life are never an ongoing story of our early romances. In our case, I was the romantic and my wife was the one with the wayward eye and heart. We all make our own decisions and actions good and bad and this article and video are outdated and blamative. Try again and do better the next time!

Changing the title alone

Submitted by jaynelovesvera on Thu, 09/12/2019 - 15:07

Changing the title alone doesn't really address the many issues people have shared in the forums.

Women and affairs

Submitted by Brenda on Thu, 09/12/2019 - 16:25

Women also cheat after husband has cheated over a period of years not for revenge but from them feeling not loved and not good enough feelings of worthless looking for someone to make them feel valued.

Agreed

Submitted by Brenda on Thu, 10/10/2019 - 04:02

I agree and it’s high time to take the high time for it to be recognized you can push your spouse over the cliff and you should be held accountable!!

Very disturbing video

Submitted by dc281 on Thu, 09/12/2019 - 19:49

As a BH, this video was very disturbing.
I still don’t understand Wayne’s logic of an UW is “justified” why she had an affair because she craves attention from another man, crave intimacy (without talking about it and keeping it a secret), overwhelmed by the need for being a caregiver (again, without expressing this at all) and feeling lonely because her husband may be working hard for the family. I was in the same married relationship too as my UW. I chose to be faithful to my wife and family.
Question for Wayne: Can I also use these reasons to justify why I can stray and get away with these same excuses in our married relationship in future? Hope you can truly respond!

.

Submitted by Stoicsp on Thu, 12/15/2022 - 12:37

there was a time in my marriage when my wife was struggling with things that my life...very very hard. at times i thought 'there has to be more than this to life.' this went for maybe 2 years and at times i was at the end of my rope.

cheating was forbidden for me. it was never an option.

why does someone have the right to do all the worst things to another (lying, manipulating, bullying, backstabbing, humiliating) as part of an affair and then come back with reasons?

you had your circumstances and your feelings, which are valid and justified.

Then you chose a course of action that is neither valid nor justified. Why does my UW get to give herself the right and permission to have an affair?

There are reasons that led to feelings and circumstances. But not actions. The buck stops with how we act in the end.

isn't this self justification?

Submitted by 1dp on Fri, 09/13/2019 - 06:42

I have a few questions on Wayne's video:

First, I'm confused as to the intent of Wayne's video. "Why she cheats" seems to give credence to after-the-fact self justification by the unfaithful. Aren't the reasons given classic self justifications as found in "Mistakes were made (but not by me)"?

Second, if these are self-justifications, then why are they not framed as after the fact excuses? As it is, I believe this would not be helpful to a newly betrayed spouse. It would have upset me up till quite recently (I'm 15 months post d-day 1, 13 months post d-day 2).

Lastly, there may be truths underlying the reasons. Wouldn't these be more helpful after some recovery by the betrayed had taken place?

NEVER an excuse!!!

Submitted by Wanting Victory on Mon, 09/23/2019 - 20:39

My unfaithful wife had a 2-year emotional affair and -- 4 years later -- still points to problems in our marriage for her affair. She doesn't even want to address the affair and said we can't move forward until we go after what got us there. She has continued to stay disconnected, has ZERO empathy for the pain she has caused and I have absolutely no reason to believe she is ever going to change her cold, distant demeanor that has done nothing but make me bitter, resentful and unforgiving. I know I need to find a way to get over everything and forgive, but it's so hard when she puts everyone (especially our kids and her friends) ahead of our relationship, which she has done for the better part of 10 years out of our 25 years. Oh, you just gotta love a good Christian marriage (sarcasm deeply intended).

Christian Marriage

Submitted by MLF on Fri, 12/13/2019 - 20:55

I hear you. My logic tells me you're right, she won't change.
You can't affect that. Sounds like you're staying for reasons other than expectation of change. So you have made a choice. It wasn't the best range of choices maybe but you did have choices and you chose to stay.
Own it. She did not make you stay, your values made you stay despite her being there hanging around while you stay. From this perspective her attitude isn't your problem or concern. You do what you do, maybe she notices and gives a darn maybe not. Given her current standards are you really concerned if she respects you or not?
You know why you chose to stay, why you continue to choose to be there. God knows why you stay; he knows why she stays. Your job is to work with him on your side of this equation. He is always there waiting for her to turn to work with him too. You cannot make her do that and God will not make her. He is a stickler on the free will thing. He will not take that from any of us. You've exercised your free will and so has she. Embrace that. Not in a superior way but as the gift it is.

REPLY to NEVER AN EXCUSE

Submitted by NPRGiant2016 on Thu, 01/16/2020 - 02:44

Wow, sir! I get it - word for word what you said. Except what my wife did was now just over seven years ago. Not long after I took some extreme action (left my job, home, friends, everything), and she decided to join me, we went to a marital workshop where I was told that sometimes healing can take 2-5 years. Over lunch that day, I begged her, "I don't want this to hurt for 2-5 years." It didn't - it is going on seven. The ONLY time it is even discussed is when my patience goes away (7-9 month intervals) and I try to put my foot down. But nothing ever happens - she won't address anything unless something I've done - or usually she just claims I've done - she can set up as a moral equivalence, and then that is all she will talk about. I've done everything I know to open doors to put this behind us. I suppose it is my fault I just have not been able to move on. But to break up a marriage via adultery does mean there has to be some accountability if she wants to stay in the marriage - sadly, my profession has made it somewhere between difficult and impossible to consider divorce. But is having nothing more than a room-mate when we have not been intimate since it happened any better??

Disgusting Poem

Submitted by Rob J (not verified) on Wed, 10/16/2024 - 08:34

Your poem of women from hindred years ago is disgusting. Men and women do not live the same as a 100+ years ago. AffairRecovery.com does not ever attribute biologoy, aka: Hypergamy" as a reason. Women are cheating more than men these days and probably longer than any self reported Stat. Men are suffering more than ever because of this. Go ahead, perpetuate more. Marriage is not going to outlast digital connections or female biological mating drive. Total failure of a good example. Do you think a poem helps a man when a women who has been taken care of cheats? No. It's a pathetic gesture.

Rob

Submitted by RD2019 on Wed, 10/16/2024 - 10:58

I agree with you. I also agree with what a wayward spouse lacks....which is needed self esteem, compliments, affirmation from others! It's ridiculous how needy they are. My husband could have wrote this poem because he pretty much told me the same stuff. When was the last time I complimented him, I desired other things more than him...blah, blah, blah. He hadn't complimented me either in so long, but I didn't cheat? I don't need that to make myself feel good about myself....they do! I can't live in a marriage wondering if I'm giving my husband enough attention or not. It's like walking on glass, terrible feeling. I need to be married to a loyal person with integrity and the same moral values for my family that I share. Betrayal is so damaging. It damaged my marriage and my family. Thank God for my faith, to pick myself up and know God has better for me and my son.

Wife cheated

Submitted by Greg P (not verified) on Wed, 10/16/2024 - 12:25

The temptations are too strong for women. Mine worked around young doctors who frequently hit on nurses. Even though both were both married. She submitted to these temptations and I couldn't compete. You are correct, women go to their hair dresser and complain about their husbands, boyfriends, I know, I've heard this from hair dressers. Women get bored and want some excitement and all a guy has to talk sweet nothings to them and they fall for it. It has nothing to do with how much attention they're getting from their husbands. I have the homes she wanted, attention, and yet her fantasies about doctors was too much.

Wow!

Submitted by Rob562 (not verified) on Sun, 10/20/2024 - 20:25

I too agree with you, Cheating Spouses need to stop making excuses for their wayward ways and be honest with themselves and their spouses. Your choice to cheat is your choice not your boring spouse. If you’re thinking of having an affair, do the right thing and divorce them before, period!

Are you serious

Submitted by Thisiscrap (not verified) on Thu, 10/17/2024 - 07:36

So…. It’s the man’s fault for being cheated on is your position. Got it.

On an article about a man being betrayed you have hundreds of words wistfully longing for the man to make her feel a certain way or she will find someone who does. And only a couple measly sentences saying it doesn’t justify it. And you put a caveat in your main statement about your mate never being the problem. Why is that? No wonder betrayed men have little to no support or resources. You are literally feeding the narrative that women are inherently good and if the man takes care of them properly they would not stray. AR should be utterly embarrassed to have this garbage on their site.

Women cheat because they want

Submitted by trdspd68 on Thu, 10/17/2024 - 14:18

Women cheat because they want to. The lost might be vulnerabilities or character flaws that make it easier to go there. Mine made decision after decision to do what she did. 39 months worth to be exact. From concocting her scheme to go home to visit her parents and see friends to meeting him. It was all to chase her high, to feel better about herself just like an addict. It’s also a bit curious that men wrote this about women. That’s like me writing about child birth! Update your materials AR! And stick with the excuses.

Take this down and apologize to all betrayed men

Submitted by Jason1115 on Thu, 10/17/2024 - 14:47

I agree with the comments here. This is actually a really bad look for AR. This basically is presenting the same narrative that is in all sources of mass media (movies, TV, songs, etc) where the man is blamed for the wife’s infidelity. For AR to espouse the same wrong ideas is inexcusable.

I will also say that a few years ago I saw what may have been the first video from Wayne Baker. That video was roasted on the BH board for the same reason - blaming the husband for the wife’s infidelity. So this is a pattern.

My wife actually had a remote counseling session with Mr. Baker years ago and came away basically saying some of the same crap and suggested I have a call with him. I of course did not set up that session.

Mr. Baker, please stop blaming men for the choices of their women. I am in the same marriage as my wife. I traveled extensively for work and had plenty of opportunities to step outside the marriage, but at the end of the day chose to retire to my room early and call my wife to hear how her day was.

Making my wife feel special? I was beginning to be concerned my wife forgot how car doors operated because she never touched them because I always opened her door for her - for almost 25 years when she stepped out. I bought flowers often, gave her the option of working or not, bought things for her on business trips just because I was thinking of her, wrote notes and left them for her to find, and I could go on.

None of that mattered though did it? No, it didn’t or I would not be here writing this post.

So making a woman feel special enough not to cheat is not the job of a husband and is actually not even able to be accomplished.

Do better AR and Mr. Baker.

Moral of the story: "If a

Submitted by TL1417 on Thu, 10/17/2024 - 15:22

Moral of the story: "If a man cheats, hes a wothless piece of crap", if a woman cheats, then her husband must have done something to make her do it". Got it.

"A man will sacrifice his happiness for his family, a woman will sacrifice her family for her happiness".

Man cheats, poor woman/bad

Submitted by tenacjim on Thu, 10/17/2024 - 15:52

Man cheats, poor woman/bad man. Woman cheats, poor woma/ bad man.

Since joining this club I have been appalled at the lack of resources and empathy in the industry for betrayed men. Here it is yet again. I treated my wife like a queen and she cheated. Her “why”? She married young and didn’t get to “sow her oats”. Basically, she “wanted to”. What did she want? To sleep with other men. So she did. For 20 years. She then sabotaged the marriage (the same BS in this poem) to justify her cheating.

I also agree with others who have said female cheating is WAY more prevalent than previously thought. They are MUCH better at cover their tracks and compartmentalization IMO. Adjust to the times. Do better…..

Bad place for that poem

Submitted by Bd1701 on Thu, 10/17/2024 - 17:40

I could read between the lines and understand the information from the video, but the only thing that poem says is it’s our fault. I like to try to give people the benefit of the doubt but I can’t comprehend how that could be used for a purpose other than to show the extent that some will go to blame shift, especially when it’s shifted to a man. The only positive thing I find in this is that my wife has never shared that mindset and has actually taken full responsibility for her actions. It’s time that we are showed the same respect and compassion that betrayed women are.

Elephant in the room

Submitted by christopher on Thu, 10/17/2024 - 19:04

If you betray your country you get put to death! If you betray your company you go to jail! You betray your spouse you get Half!!!! After spending your life trying to build a life for the both of you. Some of a stuck either we learn to get past it or lose Half of everything we worked for. By the way I am 62 years old.making the cheater look like there are reasons is garbage!!!!! We all need to get the powers at be change the laws so the the real people that have been destroyed have a legal leg to stand on!!!!!

Take this video down

Submitted by mattbert on Fri, 10/18/2024 - 04:57

This is a pretty tone-deaf video to have posted. All over AR's Harboring Hope material is the theme that unhappy marriages aren't to blame for infidelity. And yet every "reason" except for one is this video is squarely tied to the marriage, and specifically the betrayed husband, being the fault. The one "reason" that didn't blame the husband still blamed other people. Not one "reason" in here tied to the unfaithful, and you had plenty to pick from: sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, lack of respect, immaturity, etc.

I'm more than willing to state that the betrayed may have (and often have) contributed to creating an environment to makes infidelity more likely. But it is still the singular action of the unfaithful putting themselves on a pedestal, above their spouse and family, putting their happiness above everyone else's pain, that allows the actual unfaithful act. There are always two people in a less-than-optimal relationship, but it is only the unfaithful who cheats.

Outrageous!

Submitted by monk on Sat, 10/19/2024 - 03:43

It baffles me how AR can post something that basically gives UW justification.
Its 90% explained why it's man fault and barely 2% telling how it's not ok and not right.

I could give a 10000 words on how bad and broken unfaithful are and how the betrayed who then abuse them back and give all the reasons and justify it indirectly just like here and then add a couple times a small disclaimer "but it's not ok to use as justification to abuse the US" i am in marketing and i can tell you the more words and things points to general msg that will stick out and rememberd in the brain and not a small couple disclaimers.

AR should have way more and clear disclaimer after each dam reason and keep repeating it and extra underlined showcase why it's not ok.

Are you helping people or help the unfaithful keep hurting the BS

No reason ever is good enough to cheat! If you are neglected or abused in your marriage you can and should leave and be a grown up instead of being a child and cheat and then say "but i only did x bc of y" it's a weak and childish and mostly selfish mindset.

Cheating is a choice, divorce is a choice.

Submitted by JB_007 on Sat, 10/19/2024 - 12:02

This poem just shows me a lack of evolution in women who cheat. 130 years later the same old justifications ring true. It's a lot easier to point fingers than to look in the mirror.

Mmmmmm, nope

Submitted by michael on Sat, 10/19/2024 - 15:40

Things not mentioned:
The unfaithful's role in keeping the game of pursuit going
The unfaithful's role in communicating her needs and desires
The unfaithful's role in prioritizing the relationship over herself
The unfaithful's insignificant of understanding herself
The unfaithful's ability to consider the needs and feelings of others in the relationship
The unfaithful's efforts to ignore her family's needs and instead dedicate her attention toward someone who is being equally shallow and selfish.

Perspectives from prior times do not insult me at all

Submitted by OlympicsCascades on Wed, 10/23/2024 - 13:09

Wow, condemn a poem? I can't believe these comments. What next, condemn Tolstoy for writing Anna Karenina too? Just because YOU don't "relate" to it? Well, sorry for your pain, but I APPRECIATE these perspectives from way back when. BTW, I am a betrayed husband, and hearing about what women were going through "way back when" ADDS TO MY UNDERSTANDING of what happened to me. So here's a PRO TIP: some things offered on AR may not be "right" for you, but they do reach others - so have some grace, condemning anything offered in good faith is WRONG, so try not to be the "be all end all" arbiter of what might be "right" for others. It'll help in the bigger context of rolling with punches during this season of life, believe me. Grace & Peace to you.

An Unfaithful Wife to Her Husband

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