Understanding Infidelity: Helping the Unfaithful Start Recovery As a young man of 5, I made a choice that proved to be quite painful. It happened while visiting my Grandmom in Snyder, Texas. It all began when I noticed a wasp nest hanging from Grandmom’s plumb tree. As best as I can recall I’d never seen a wasp’s nest before. Being naturally curious, I had hoped to dislodge it and examine the contents. Being vertically challenged, however, made the task at hand somewhat difficult. I finally happened upon what seemed like a promising solution when I found a hammer in one of the kitchen drawers. In hindsight, I now realize that after my first few misses it would have been wise to abandon my quest, but never one to be discouraged I continued hurling the hammer in hopes of fulfilling my dream. Eventually, as luck would have it, (or maybe as bad luck would have it) I succeeded in hitting the nest and knocking it down. You can imagine what happened next. A wave of angry wasps came straight at me. I ran as fast as my short little legs could carry me, but it wasn’t nearly fast enough. I must have had twenty stings before I managed to get back into the house. Last week’s newsletter reminded me a little of that experience. Obviously, I wrote something that stirred up a hornet’s nest. I grieve over the pain I caused many of you who are dealing with betrayal and hope you can move beyond the pain created by the article. As one of our mentor’s told me after she read the article, “If I had read that early on in my recovery I would have been really pissed and know I wouldn’t have reacted well.” That article received more comments than any before and for that reason I thought it might be good to clarify. I promise, I’m not trying to knock the nest down. I only want to help with the hurt and confusion that comes from recovering from an affair. In the article I was not saying that self-deception ever justifies an affair. Becoming so self-centered that you fail to consider both your mate and the devastation of your choices reveals a total absence of love. It’s frightening when someone becomes so self-centered that they deceive themselves into thinking they are somehow justified in their self-exaltation while despising others. The person in that state of mind is dangerous and as long as they possess that mindset they are incapable of meaningful relationships or recovering from an affair. Self-centeredness is void of love and can only act in self-interest not in the interest of another. It lacks courage because it can’t think of anything but self-protection. There is a huge difference between loving someone and being committed to stay. Love always acts in the best interest of another and choosing to stay but not to invest in your mate by dealing with betrayal is far from love. Love compels us to consider the best interest of others, not just what we want. I do believe people can see the error of their ways and change or I wouldn’t be in this business. But until they can see their problem (not their mate’s problem) and have a desire to change nothing will happen. Continuing to justify the affair by blaming one’s mate brings no progress and offers little hope. In the comments someone asked “How do we keep it from happening again?” It begins by taking personal responsibility for what you’ve done. If you feel your mate is to blame for what you did then you’ll never change. To change, you have to be willing to do the work. Half measures will avail you nothing in the process of dealing with betrayal. You have to actually believe change can happen. That’s why community becomes so important. Most of us don’t really believe we can change, we only wish we could change. Until we find others who are like us and who have what we want, it will be difficult to believe it could actually happen. That’s why having a community of individuals to work with becomes imperative when recovering from an affair. Personally, I never believed I could change until I met someone who had. I never believed I could be happy until I met someone in similar circumstances who loved their new life. Knowing it was doable made it possible. Finally, you have to take the steps necessary to replace old destructive patterns and with new patterns of health. Again, I’m sorry for the pain I caused. I pray for your healing. Please let us know if there’s any way we can help you in recovering from an affair. If you’re ready to begin moving forward please go and check out our online courses. There is hope and change really is possible . Sections: Free ResourcesHot Off the PressNewsletterFounder's LaptopRL_Category: For the Unfaithful SpouseRecovery FundamentalsWhy They Did ItRL_Media Type: Text
