And the answer is... a definite maybe, but odds are they don't think about the other person nearly as often as you do. The three primary factors driving how often the wayward spouse might think of the other person: 1) the focus of their recovery, 2) the nature of the relationship, and 3) the frequency at which the betrayed spouse brings up the topic of the affair partner. The driving force behind the frequency the betrayed spouse thinks of the Affair Partner (AP) is betrayal trauma.

The Focus of Recovery:

When the focus of recovery is personal growth and a pursuit to live according to their values, integrity, and dignity, then thoughts of the AP are quick to fade. This is where programs like Hope for Healing can provide a guide to move from self-centeredness back into the true self. If the focus, however, is on their own self-gratification and personal happiness, or if they see themselves as a victim, then thoughts of the AP will be more frequent. For example, in my own recovery experience, when I shifted the focus from my own self-gratification to my desire to become a whole man, thoughts of my AP rarely came to mind. In fact, the thought of using another person for my own selfish gratification became a disgusting thought. The only time they entered my conscious thought was when I was confronted with a reminder, such as seeing the type of car she drove. In those situations, the feelings I experienced were anxiety and remorse. The only other way the AP would enter my mind is when Stephanie wanted to talk about her. Neither of those situations were pleasant.

The Nature of the Relationship

Those involved in a one-night stand most likely never think about the other person because that person didn't mean anything to them. In limerent relationships where they believe the other person is their soul mate, it may take longer, depending on where their focus is during recovery. If the AP is part of an addictive pattern, generally it's the behavior they might think of, not the other person. It's far more likely that the other person is nothing more than a character in their fantasy world and therefore, they have little or no attachment to them. Once embedded in a recovery community, cravings for time with the AP normally decrease. As time passes, and if the wayward spouse maintains "sobriety," thoughts of the other person fade, which allows perspective on their behavior and the other person.

The Betrayed Spouse

Unfortunately, it's often far more difficult for the betrayed spouse to stop thoughts of the affair partner. Therefore, if the betrayed spouse asks if their mate is thinking about the other person and the answer is, "no," that seems inconceivable since memories of the other person haunt them frequently. What causes the difference?

Two Types of Memory

The answer lies in how the memory of the affair partner is stored in each individual. For the betrayed spouse, the shock of the betrayal can create a trauma memory of the affair partner. "Trauma memories are an alternate cognitive entity that deviate from regular memory, and the recall of traumatic memories often displays as intrusions that differ profoundly from 'regular' negative memories." Recent research reveals that trauma memories are stored in the posteriors cingulate cortex (PCC) and unlike regular hippocampal memories, these memories don't fade into the past. Instead, when activated, these memories are reexperienced in current time, even if months or years have passed. Even more troubling, PCC memories are intrusive and interrupt your day, always uninvited.

For the wayward spouse, memories of the affair partner are typically stored in the hippocampus and these memories grow distant and fade over time. Normal memories can have emotions associated with them, but these emotions are associated with a past event – such as the death of a pet. It's sad, but it doesn't feel as if you're reexperiencing the event. It's this difference in how the memories of the affair partner are stored that create the difference.

If the betrayed spouse's memory of the affair partner is a trauma memory (PCC), it can be next to impossible to stop thinking about the other person and having to continually re -experience the agony as if it happened yesterday creates a belief that the affair partner poses a real and present danger, even if it happened years ago.

If the betrayed spouse is constantly thinking of the other person, it's easy to assume the same must be true for their spouse, but if memories of the other person held by the wayward spouse are stored as normal hippocampal memories, then that won't be the case. Over time, thoughts of the other person fade. The wayward spouse is often confused as to why the betrayed spouse won't stop bringing it up.

There is hope, however. If you're experiencing intrusive thoughts about the AP and you feel so stuck that you are unable to move down the road of recovery, then the solution to remove the other person from your thought life is called "trauma work." You'll need to take care of yourself and do the necessary trauma work to convert the trauma memories into normal hippocampal memories.