The Trap Last week, based upon many of your responses, I believe I missed the mark in communicating what I believe to be an important truth in recovering from infidelity. To help clear up the message, I’m going to relay a fable written by Lewis B. Smedes from his book, Forgive and Forget. I believe this fable, entitled “The Magic Eyes,” may help communicate my thoughts more clearly, as well as paint a picture for where I hope to take each of you in your own recovery. In the village of Faken in innermost Friesland there lived a long thin baker name Fouke, a righteous man, with a long thin chin and a long thin nose. Fouke was so upright that he seemed to spray righteousness from his thin lips over everyone who came near him; so the people of Faken preferred to stay away. Fouke's wife, Hilda, was short and round, her arms were round, her bosom was round, her rump was round. Hilda did not keep people at bay with righteousness; her soft roundness seemed to invite them instead to come close to her in order to share the warm cheer of her open heart. Hilda respected her righteous husband, and loved him too, as much as he allowed her; but her heart ached for something more from him than his worthy righteousness. And there, in the bed of her need, lay the seed of sadness. One morning, having worked since dawn to knead his dough for the ovens, Fouke came home and found a stranger in his bedroom lying on Hilda's round bosom. Hilda's adultery soon became the talk of the tavern and the scandal of the Faken congregation. Everyone assumed that Fouke would cast Hilda out of his house, so righteous was he. But he surprised everyone by keeping Hilda as his wife, saying he forgave her as the Good Book said he should. In his heart of hearts, however, Fouke could not forgive Hilda for bringing shame to his name. Whenever he thought about her, his feelings toward her were angry and hard; he despised her as if she were a common whore. When it came right down to it, he hated her for betraying him after he had been so good and so faithful a husband to her. He only pretended to forgive Hilda so that he could punish her with his righteous mercy. But Fouke's fakery did not sit well in heaven. So each time that Fouke would feel his secret hated toward Hilda, an angel came to him and dropped a small pebble, hardly the size of a shirt button, into Fouke's heart. Each time a pebble dropped, Fouke would feel a stab of pain like the pain he felt the moment he came on Hilda feeding her hungry heart from a stranger's larder. Thus he hated her the more; his hate brought him pain and his pain made him hate. The pebbles multiplied. And Fouke's heart grew very heavy with the weight of them, so heavy that the top half of his body bent forward so far that he had to strain his neck upward in order to see straight ahead. Weary with hurt, Fouke began to wish he were dead. The angel who dropped the pebbles into his heart came to Fouke one night and told him how he could be healed of his hurt. There was one remedy, he said, only one, for the hurt of a wounded heart. Fouke would need the miracle of the magic eyes. He would need eyes that could look back to the beginning of his hurt and see his Hilda, not as a wife who betrayed him, but as a weak woman who needed him. Only a new way of looking at things through the magic eyes could heal the hurt flowing from the wounds of yesterday. Fouke protested. "Nothing can change the past," he said. "Hilda is guilty, a fact that not even an angel can change." "Yes, poor hurting man, you are right," the angel said. "You cannot change the past, you can only heal the hurt that comes to you from the past. And you can heal it only with the vision of the magic eyes." "And how can I get your magic eyes?" pouted Fouke. "Only ask, desiring as you ask, and they will be given you. And each time you see Hilda through your new eyes, one pebble will be lifted from your aching heart." Fouke could not ask at once, for he had grown to love his hatred. But the pain of his heart finally drove him to want and to ask for the magic eyes that the angel had promised. So he asked. And the angle gave. Soon Hilda began to change in front of Fouke's eyes, wonderfully and mysteriously. He began to see her as a needy woman who loved him instead of a wicked woman who betrayed him. The angel kept his promise; he lifted the pebbles from Fouke's heart, one by one, though it took a long time to take them all away. Fouke gradually felt his heart grow lighter; he began to walk straight again, and somehow his nose and his chin seemed less thin and sharp than before. He invited Hilda to come into his heart again, and she came, and together they began again a journey into their second season of humble joy. After re-reading last weeks newsletter I do wish I had more tempered the second half. I do believe however that the point I was trying to make is valid (even though poorly spoken). For those who interpreted my words as blame for those who’ve been betrayed I ask your humble forgiveness. I remain true to my belief that bad marriages are not the cause of infidelity. But, as I’ve also said in the past, typically the journey for those who’ve been betrayed is far more difficult than for those who’ve been unfaithful. Painful reminders coupled with the loss of trust leaves betrayed spouse’s disoriented, possibly facing the most difficult situation of their life. My heart breaks for the men and women who become burdened with the bitterness that so haunted Fouke’s life. Those blinded by the pain inflicted by their mate’s betrayal are at risk of reacting in ways they never dreamed possible. Pain that’s not transformed will be transmitted, and I can only pray that those who’ve been betrayed will not respond in ways which are self-destructive. For that reason I hope to encourage those who’ve been hurt to take the high road. People change by contrast far more than they do by conflict. I personally believe when Jesus was betrayed by Judas that he gave him a look of love as he said, “You’d betray me with a kiss?” That look of love contrasted against Judas’ betrayal drove him to suicide. I believe when Peter betrayed Jesus three times and the cock crowed, that Jesus met Peter’s gaze with a look of pure love that ultimately broke Peter and prepared him to be the leader of the new church. What the angel says in Smede’s fable is right. "You cannot change the past, you can only heal the hurt that comes to you from the past. And you can only heal it with the vision of the magic eyes." There is no excuse for the betrayal perpetrated by one’s mate; but they may also be people who are hurting as well, or who are weak in some area. You learn to see this and forgive them the hurt they dealt you. This is what love is and it’s what keeps you free from the bitterness that bound Fouke. If you want freedom from the torture of betrayal, find others who have accomplished that goal and ask what they’ve done that’s helped. I’ll bet it was about mitigating their own response and coming to a place of forgiveness and acceptance. When people suffer greatly they will have one of three responses: They will go insane. They will become bitter, transmitting their pain to others. They will learn to love greatly and grow in their compassion for others. If it’s difficult to find peers who have struggled through the pain of infidelity and have been able to discover the freedom you desire. I’d invite you to join our community at Affair Recovery. You don’t have to suffer in lonely desolation. Find hope from those who’ve already discovered new life in the midst of their storm. 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