As a betrayed spouse the one thing I want wayward spouses to realize is how much it costs your family even when they “don’t know” about the affair you are having.
You really cannot be in a relationship with someone outside and have it not negatively affect your spouse and primary relationship.
The energy and effort you are directing toward your affair partner is absolutely leaving your spouse feeling hurt, neglected, and bewildered as to why. They are almost certainly trying to convince themselves everything is fine, and wondering why they don’t feel close to you, or why they don’t get the attention from you that they once did. They maybe pulling away from you, and you may feel that as a reason to justify your affair, but that is wholly unfair as you have not given them the benefit of knowing what reality they are actually living in, or even told them what you want/need from them.
So even if you think your spouse doesn’t love you anymore and you “have” to seek gratification from someone else, and you “won’t get caught” so they won’t ever get hurt, the truth is you are already hurting them, and they just don’t know why. As Ester Perel says “If you brought 1/10th the energy to your marriage that you bring to the affair, you wouldn’t need the affair”
And that is where my biggest pain point comes from. Knowing he gave that energy, that interest and desire to someone else, when it’s all I ever wanted from him.

It has been over twenty years since my wife's affair. She had taken a new job opportunity and took part in three weeks of training in another state. We both were excited about the new opportunity, We had a two-year-old daughter that I took care of in addition to a demanding job. I attempted to call her at her hotel with no answer well into the night. I left many messages at the front desk for her to give me a call which she did the next day. Her excuse was that she was in a friend's room (which was technically true other than it wasn't the friend she said it was). I was concerned but it appeared to be a plausible excuse but I had the feeling something was off. The night before my spouse was to return home, I was excited to talk with her and attempted to call her, all night long but I only managed to talk with the front desk. I attempted to call her friend's room which she said she stayed in a few days before, no answer. I knew at that point she was cheating, she did call in the morning and made some type of excuse which I told her I didn't believe and asked her if she was with another man, which she denied. I and my young daughter picked her up the next evening and once we got home I had many questions about her time gaps and looked her in the eye when I asked if she was having an affair which she denied. This was right before Christmas and the activities of the holidays. Things were uneasy and "different" and I knew in my heart that she had cheated. D-day was on New Year's Eve as we attended a party at another couple's house. She drank too much and was acting out at the party, when we got home I asked her if she had sex with another man and her reply was "So what if I did". I cleared off the top of her dresser with a swipe of my arm as I dealt with the devastating news, she was intoxicated and started hitting me and crying, at some point, she called 911. I knew the police officer on duty as I met him at the door. He asked what was going on as they received a call and I informed him that I had just found out my wife had been cheating and we were having an argument. The officer was bound and determined to arrest me but I opened my shirt showed him the marks my wife had left on me and informed him that she was the person who was doing the hitting. He wasn't the least bit interested in arresting her for domestic violence but did suggest that she leave the house for the night which she did. I didn't have a clue what to do at that point but sleeping wasn't going to happen. I called my mom and dad for support that night and they were there for my daughter and myself. I then called my father-in-law and informed him that his daughter had cheated along with her siblings and they were all in disbelief. The biggest mistake I made was not separating at that point in time to process my feelings and for collecting my thoughts. My wife was never going to inform me about her affair, she never did give me a full disclosure of the affair, and looking back this likely wasn't the only one. We did the marriage counseling and muddled through all those years. As I was writing this comment my spouse noticed that I was writing this comment she asked what I was doing. I confided that I had a trigger event and was dealing with it and that I was committed to ending the pain as I reached the end of my rope (I'm a stubborn one). My wife sat down and finally gave a full disclosure of her affair. Finally hearing the truth was a major step forward. I had not forgiven her after all these years as I just wasn't able to. She finally came clean but did say that she thought she did (she never did). She said she went to the bar with her group, danced with Kevin, and went home with him. She claimed it was a one-time deal which I questioned as there were two nights that there were time lapses unaccounted for. She was crying and said that she would give me a divorce so I could find another to love if that was what I wanted. For the first time, I could see her pain and remorse and I believe she is/was truly sorry for bringing this transgression. The truth is what I needed to hear so I could get rid of the pain and put to rest all the other things I figured she was capable of doing once crossing the infidelity line. She brought up a few of my faults (there are many) so I said she had to take full responsibility for her behavior and she did own it. The act of forgiveness was a very real issue with me for a long, long time, I was finally able to tell her there was one more thing and I forgave her but assured her I would never forget. Finally, some of that debilitating pain was lifted from my my being. She brought up the issue of intimacy and I stated that without trust that is a bridge too far and something to work on. I was honest with my feelings (not something I'm good at) and laid it all out. It is too bad that it took so long and she felt as if I didn't love her at times as I shared that the trust issue was a big part of this. For self-preservation, I had made an oath that she would never be able to hurt me like that again but it wasn't healthy for me as I finally came to terms with my own demons. I have been reading many of the cheating blogs which lead me to AR. I needed to come to terms with the truth and figure out my path to forgiveness albeit slowly. I feel for anyone else who gets betrayed and has their reality altered as I've been down that path and it is absolutely a gut-wrenching, heart-twisting, soul-searching process. Last evening, I read The Shocking Truth About Trust by Rick Reynolds which helped me to understand how to do what I needed to do (it didn't work at the time) but I put up both of my arms and prayed to God to help me figure out my path (he did just that). I'm still a work in progress and one way or another our relationship will survive even though there were many times I contemplated throwing in the towel. The best advice I give is to tell others not to cheat as there is plenty of human wreckage left in the aftermath.

First caught my husband cheating on me was 2020. Next is this May 2023. But prior to May 2023, there are 2 women he had an affair with that I just knew after May 2023.
The PAIN IS INDESCRIBABLE. It never occured to me to cheat on him. I admit, one way or the other, I lack of something and I am not perfect. All I do is love him. I forgave him, but it is very hard to forget and I know there is something else he is not telling me. My mind is wondering off somewhere, telling myself it is better if you know less, but I can't stop wondering what happened, why it happened.
He tells me to stop digging it as it was in the past already. But it hurts like hell.
I wish somebody could talk to him and give this advises to him.
We were married 2007 and we have 2 kids.
I'm lost, crashed, broken and miserable. I am trying to look okay, but I'm not, God knows.

I am the unfaithful partner and after years of self seeking and entitled sexual compulsions I experienced a painful end to an affair. In my devastation and despair I confessed all to my partner. In the aftermath of blowing up my life I have come to the horrible realization that my selfishness has been so destructive to all the relationships connected to my marriage including those with my children. I no longer grieve the loss of my affair partner and instead grieve the deep sense of betrayal I have inflicted on those I do love. For the first time in my life, I know what that word means as my wife is showing the love of Christ toward me by extending forgiveness and the opportunity for me to live out the repentance I have displayed. She is clear that it will take time and I am committed to complete obedience to God and total and radical honesty with God and with others, especially my wife. I have hope for reconciliation in time and this article reinforces what I have come to understand are important pieces of knowledge that would not have swayed me before. I was so wrapped up in darkness and deception that I believed I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, and without consequences. While I had been blinded to these truths, I am grateful for new eyes to see how my choices have far reaching consequences. I am thankful for the resources here and hope to continue to grow and learn how to live in truth and light.

Seeing so much pain here, and grace, too, I wanted to share my story, since it's not so straight as for others - both of us cheated on each other. I discovered my husband's affair over two years ago. For years, it was clear to me that he changed - sex, distancing, irritability. Just as others described, the only person who had not noticed the change, was him. He cheated with his high school sweetheart (she contacted him after her divorce). I decided to forgive hims, because I felt guilty too, and thought I could understand him - I had cheated on him over a decade prior with my own high school sweetheart but ended the affair pretty early. Yes, we had our problems. He had a short temper, but once I learned what his triggers were, I adjusted, and "coped" as much as I could, instead of communicating better. I followed him to a foreign country, left my family and friends, and built new ones. So, after almost three decades of marriage, I discovered the affair, by chance, almost, on his old iphone. He confessed, but still, met his mistress one more time, to discuss this with her. I ended up in the ER twice. He broke up with his mistress. And obviously, I survived. Eventually, I told him about my own cheating and how I ended it. He forgave me too. But you know what? In that process, I learned so much about life, myself, and him. I realized about all the things that you were writing about here, about pain, about our common human condition, and how weak we are and how much we live in our own fantasy land, narcissistically. As I've been searching for a new relationship, I realized that he is fine with the old one, because my husband is so emotionally shut down and closed off, that we do not have any real connection anymore. So, this would not be a new, renewed, relationship. He did not want to do therapy, alone or with me as a couple, and dropped it after a few sessions. I feel almost sorry for him, since his anger problem returned with a vengeance and he does not look healthy, physically or emotionally. I, on the other hand, do not want to live in a "la-la land" anymore. More I started to simply be present with my husband, seeing the person I've been living with, and more I discovered, by myself and in therapy, my own weaknesses, failures, and vulnerabilities, I decided to take a different path in life altogether. Instead of trying so hard to be a couple, I offered him friendship and a different kind of love, and said that I want to see him happy and free, and will give him divorce any time he wants it. So instead of coping, or doing all the work on the relationship by myself and cope like I could have done before (with friends, work, distractions), I decided to go deeper into the project of compassion. To see what would be the most compassionate action in our case for both of us, and friendship it is. I want to acknowledge my part in our breakup, and also, to celebrate the great moments we had in our relationship, and ... move on. So, this is where we are. We are spending more time apart. I have my good days and my bad days. Being with someone for thirty years and then letting go, needs to be processed, gently. I give him and myself that time. I am happy for him that he might have a new relationship, an honest one, with his mistress - she is divorced and has a chid - and I feel like I can also grow into a new person, with new values and new level of grace. The pain, the anger, the forgiveness journey, the shame, guilt, of the last two years, taught me how much I can love, how good it feels to have values and live by them, that cheating others is also cheating myself, and how common our weaknesses are (grasping for praise, attention, sex, etc), and how healing it could be to let go, to wish the best, to feel love while letting go. I am extending my love and compassion to all of you, both cheaters and those cheated on. We are all in this together. We are mostly messed up when we use our own intelligence against ourselves (as in white lies, justifications, impulsive behavior) and it hits us, and hopefully, we survive this, and we can grow, grow up, into real human beings who will then extend their grace and compassion in other situations, too, to those who failed in something else. I wish everyone to seek inner peace, all of you here are beautiful, worthy of grace, people.