My wife has always dismissed the emotional pain she caused me when she put her relationship with another man ahead of me almost two years ago. I’ve fallen into an increasingly deep depression with horrible rumination and helplessness. I can’t “Just get over it.” I’m trying to just accept this state and look forward to the day it will be over. But I’m not making progress and am only more sensitive to an accumulation of emotional triggers that bring on despair and anger. I just wish it would stop.

My husband betrayed me. Withheld information for months, lied to me about having sex with her. The information trickled in and it was devastating. Please for anyone trying to make their marriage work it is must to tell all up front. The OW works right down the road from where I work. I see her auto everyday it has been a reminder that my husband and her were partners in deceiving me. Another thing they shared was making me look like a fool. Aug 14th 2021 will be 3 years of working on our marriage. It has been a very slow painful process the lies he told me only added to my pain. He still will not tell me things they talked about and they used snap chat to talk at least 4 times a day. How often did they meet? I found out about her house and the motels when her kids was at home by looking at his google location account. NOTHING was freely given to me. Trust is just now very slowly coming back some days I think I have forgiven them both, other days I hate both of them. Getting up front all information the truth is SO important. I know there is many articles about putting it all out there in the beginning but a lot will not do that. They are scared and ashamed. I have hopes that soon I can move on and not think about how they both deceived me, I am a lot better but not healed from the out and out lies I was told and to believe those lies that they only chatted made me feel like such a fool.

Not knowing what truly happened. How do I believe my wife. She says there was no sex. This still after 18 months. It’s so difficult to believe her. What she says the relationship was and what I suspect it is, or could be eats me up most days. I always enjoy reading your articles

J

My situation is 8 years ago my wife was the one who had the affair. The situation was that I work in the oil field and with the work that I do I was gone constantly I'm on a 2in 1 schedule and when I was at home I wasn't giving her what she needed I wasn't giving her the emotional support or the love and care that she needed from me when I was home at the time she was Raising we have for children and she was the soul Provider at home raising all four of them and they were all pretty young. And also there was a. Of time during this when at the time I was at home I was home but many times not present. So I guess the point is I wish did I'd known to be more attentive and supportive when I was at home and that we'd have had better communication. And this occurred 16 years after we were married it hasn't been easy but we are about to celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary. It has truly been a long arduous Journey.

when infidelity is discovered please tell the hole truth as I have been married for 45 years this year and my wife had an affair 30 years ago she promised to tell the truth to save our marriage witch it has done until now ,I have just realised that she told me a pack of lies and now she refuses to tell the truth .I just feel betrayed again and don't know if our marriage can now survive .so tell the truth or no matter how long down the line it is it could all end in disaster .

I wish I
Knew that my husband would struggle with letting his affair partner go. After he told me that it was over he continued to message her and betrayed me even further by lying to me. I should’ve asked for complete transparency by asking to have access to his phone. He created further damage by continuing to connect with her and continuing to lie to me about that.

If he says it’s over, take time to ask more questions and be strong in your message that you won’t tolerate anymore lying.

I wish I knew it all at the beginning of this mess. The trauma and pain of d day after d day has been too much. To the point I do not care anymore. He kept one from me for 5 years. I found out on the 2nd affair. He continued to lie for almost 2 years until I finally found the truth. He still to this day will not admit the truth. It is pretty sad that I trust his AP than I do him. Its quite pathetic but his lies Nd deceit and selfishness have become too much. He keeps saying that he is protecting me from the truth..all he is doing is protecting himself. I can't take it anymore. Knowing what he has done and the things he has said about me is too much for me to forgive!
Harmony

I wish i had gone away to the beautiful marriage crisis counseling retreat on my own, for 2 weeks, instead of attending with my spouse. He wasn't honest with me or therapists, even after one on one counseling...and it was $$$.
I wish we had better connections with counselors and i had interviewed them first: have they successfully helped couples work through infidelity trauma? Have they been cheated on?
I wish my church would've had more resources and bravery to confront spouse in love, and help restore him.
I wish would have known that forgiveness of the facts, was not the same time-line as forgiveness of the impacts ( Lysa TerKeurst, Forgiving what you can't Forget).
I wish i would've stood firmer on boundaries i gave out, they were broken in same year as discovery, yet i forgave, again...) i wish we would've separated for a time, until he felt safe...
Sometimes, i wish we never met. But the 3 beautiful children we made are priceless, and the reason i stay in the fight.

I am the betrayed and I wish I had known that my husband was a sex addict and understood what that meant. I wish I had understood the disease and how I was not to blame for his actions. I wish I had known it was not about me at all. I wish I had known how much support there was out there for the betrayed, how much information and community is available for both of us. I wish I had known that after 22 years of marriage and trauma and lies, that we could both work recovery and that it would change our lives for the better. I chose to stay, against all instinct and it was the best decision I have ever made. We are almost 10 months into each of our recoveries and will stay in it for the rest of our lives. There is hope, growth, healing, and empathy. But most of all, for us there is tremendous true love and intimacy. Finally. And we deserve it.

March 22nd will be two years. And even though we are "together" I am living a lie. I will never know the whole truth or the real why. My husband gets mad if I even mention it. Or if I check his phone calls or text. Says if I keep acting like this, it will never work. He wants me to get over it. He never had sex with her and I'm over reacting. If I had it to do over, I would of told him to leave and never looked back. But I was so blindsided after 21 years. I thought I had the best husband in the whole world. He seems to be doing good and has admitted he was infatuated with her. But my gut tells me that's not the whole story. What do you think? Should I leave and try to find new love? Or stay and hope for the best?

Oh if only my unfaithful spouse felt the same way as you! This year in July we will have been married for 20 years. in those 20 years there has been 4 different discoveries. The first one in 2008 when he handed me divorce papers and wanted to marry his AP. That didn't work out so he came home. Again with my so called best friend 5 years later. 2 years later with an ex-co-worker of his. Then right after our son was born I learned that he had been gay chatting and searching for gay singles in my area for around 2 years. Oh the brokenness.... No one ever teaches you how to deal with that! So he says he only did it to make fun of them and that he loves me. But in all the research I've done, they are just using their wife to hide the gay. I am completely humiliated, and broken within. I was already never enough for him. ugh... So now he wants to renew our vows on our anniversary. But he won't put in any work. He hates talking to me about it and gets angry, storms out, slams doors, even holds me down when I try to have any kind of discussion about it. I asked him if he loves me why would he continuously hurt me and especially with the gay stuff, he has no answer. He says "I don't know why!" I asked him then how will you be able to stop it from happening again? He answers "Because I don't want it to." And i have to just accept that as his only work. There's nothing to provide proof that his word is solid as he's said that in the past and lied before, over and over. How can a betrayed spouse get their unfaithful spouse to even care about learning these 6 things or being interested in doing any kind of work? He's just not the kind to do anything about anything. I am to just take him at his word. He watches me work on this for year after year... never saying a word. Only looking at me like I'm insane and need mental health care. He knows why. He's sorry. But doesn't think he needs to do anything about it. I pray that somehow, he'll come to learn these 6 things. And maybe even feel them about me. Thank you for sharing them.

I see a lot of articles about the “oops you found out situations,” but what about the “oops you found out, so oh well I’m leaving you” ons? What means is what about the situations where the spouse leaves the wife and family unexpectedly for another woman or man? How do they feel when they come back? What’s on their mind?

I wish I had done as I always had in previous situations when my then fiancé lied to me. Instead of listening to his words of remorse, promises to never lie again, look at his actions and kick his lying butt out never to return. As I found out down the road after watching and listening to him over the years I realized he lied about everything, big and small. He did whatever he felt like doing at any given time, but if he knew it was unacceptable behavior, he’d lie about it even when it cost others emotionally, physically or financially. Thankfully, therapy helped me see who and what he always was and always will be. Leaving that relationship after almost 36 years was difficult, but necessary and the biggest boost to a better life emotionally and physically without concern for the possible costs I would pay had I stayed. I have to say divorcing him was the best thing I’ve done for myself in years.

I wish I had known that the pain as a BH would never end. It’s been 41 years and there hasn’t been a day that triggers and memories haven’t invaded my mind. My entire adult life has been burdened beyond belief from a 2year period of my wife’s infidelity with several different guys. Had I known this would never end, I would have moved on 40 years ago. After several new discoveries again last year it’s like we’re at square one again. Years ago our pastor had a sermon which included the statement That infidelity ruins the rest of your life. So so true.

I am almost two years from D-day and while I feel like surviving infidelity will be part of my life’s journey there are many things I wish I’d known in the more immediate aftermath. The first and probably most important was that I would be ok - that I was strong, resilient, brave and could not only handle my husbands infidelity, I could come out with a more satisfying sense of self and purpose. In the first days, months, even year it seemed impossible to move on and heal from what he had done. But with time, therapy (individual and couples), grace, compassion and forgiveness I am more confident and fulfilled in myself, my relationship and my life. I wish I would have known that while this still effects me it won’t dominate me forever. I wish I would have known that thru the immense hurt can come something beautiful.

I am still impacted by infidelity, some days more than others, but I have experienced such growth - I wish I had known early on that something positive could come from the devastation.

I wish I had known that my failure wasn't "just an affair" but the full blown addict behavior that I had had for over 45 years. This is still a daily process of saying yes and amen to healing and striving for purity to love my wife and recieve the incredible grace and love she continues to give. I am a blessed man.

From the very beginning of me 'catching' my husband at his cheating, he first tried to lie about it all, never told me the whole truth, and even though I had caught him, and he knew HOW I caught him, he continued with the affair. One of the most hurtful things was that he was 'with' the other person on our 2nd year anniversary! And because he didn't try to 'cover his tracks' I continued to find out about his meetings with 'her'. FINALLY, her husband caught her, then I guess my husband felt he didn't have a choice but to try to make it work with me. But, he ridiculed me for asking questions, kept telling me I should 'let it go' and that 'it's over and in the past'. I was never able to get HIM to admit the extent of the affair. And because of that and all the ugliness he threw at me, and the lies that were told, I have not been able to fully forgive him, and definitely not trust him. One of the things to understand here is that before we were married, he tried to have an affair with a much younger woman...she was somewhat catfishing him. I caught him at that when he sent me a picture of himself with his phone, and there was another phone laying on the counter in the picture.
I have sent him numerous articles from this site...articles that I felt were pertinent to our situation. He does read them, but still thinks it is time I 'moved on' from the infidelity or just divorce him 'so that I can be happy'. I doubt he loves me in the way that I truly love him, because if he did, he would know it's not as easy as 'moving on' or divorcing him.

I had an affair when I was in the middle of a mental health breakdown. I had not been looking after myself and was under a lot of stress. I was very vulnerable and was preyed upon by a very manipulative man who (I only realised once our affair had started), had a history of affairs that have always been covered over by his wife or girlfriends (enablers?).
I wish more than anything that I had engaged with therapy when my mental health started to decline but at the time I really did not know how ill I was. I am now, a year later, mentally well. Unfortunately I cannot save my marriage and my husband is divorcing me. I would like us to engage in therapy but he refuses and part of me cannot blame him as I annihilated his trust in me. You are lucky that your wife was able to stand by you throughout, she is a special woman.

I don't even know where to start because to this day I don't know the truth. There has not been full honest disclosure. Lies upon lies to cover the lies. Sugar coating, downplaying, glossing over etc. His ability to look into my eyes and tell yet another lie or sliver of a possible truth is crushing. "I was unhappy" is his reason. "For 2-3 hours a week I could be happy." The times in between, phone calls, texts, emails amounts to more than 2-3 hours a week. Well, I was unhappy too! As evidence of an an affair continued to present, I was frantically finding therapists (even prior I did this) workshops, books, articles and on and on to salvage our marriage. Not once, in any modality, did he ever tell the truth, say he was unhappy or ask me for anything. In fact, with one therapist, he told her lies. He did, as a red herring to protect his relationship with her, confess to me using porn and purchasing a $17,000 telescope. The shock of the porn use "since high school" and we were in our 60's was devastating. I was gaslit repeatedly. Now, without doing any self reflective work with a therapist, he doesn't understand why the past just can't be in the past. The truth equals love to me. How can there possible be love without the truth?

Ah your article really resonated with me. My husband seemed to follow a very similar path to you after his infidelity came to light - and we have said his behavior really did prolong the agony and slowed the healing process! But equally we didn’t know what we know now. We are 5 years on and the love we now have for each other is incredible but because of the trauma (and it really was a trauma for both of us) we have found out things about ourselves and each other, we have grown emotionally to a degree I never thought existed for us. As heartbreaking as it was to find out about my husbands affair it was actually the catalyst to a much deeper love than we had ever had (we recognize - through a lot of therapy - individual and couples that we were just not equipped for a deeper relationship and looking back it was almost inevitable our marriage would go off the rails - hindsight is a wonderful thing!). What I have come to understand is that his affair was actually a cry for help (as well as selfish, unkind, manipulative, a feeling of entitlement - all the hallmarks of an affair - and also a complete loss of control of right and wrong) - he needed more from me but was unable to ask or show how he was feeling. I needed more from him but was unable to ask or work out what was missing. To the outside world we looked like the perfect couple so much so that I think we almost believed it….but deep down knew it was a bit of a facade. I never thought I would say this but his affair has been a gift to move us into a love that we both always wanted but just didn’t have to capability to achieve. It has been an incredibly hard few years but with so many moments of joy and love and from feeling at the start of this awful journey that I would never feel true happiness again the opposite is true - I am happier than I have ever been! I would add I can still get the odd trigger but I now have a husband who I can say anything to, as he can to me which makes everything so amazing and no resentments, anger, worries etc. can build up We are both so excited for our future together with both our beautiful open hearts - it’s truly a gift to have reached this higher place with a man I have known for 40 years. Finally I didn’t stay because it was easier, or for the kids, I stayed because the day I found, amongst all the devastation, I suddenly felt (fleetingly I will admit) such love for the man I Married and it was actually the kick up the arse we both needed….we were both willing participants in making a go of it…..we just didn’t realize then (luckily) what an emotional and, at times, a painful journey it was going to be…..but now I know it was worth every moment of pain to feel how we both feel now. I feel grateful we both wanted to save our marriage and although we made many mistakes on the way we never lost sight of that. Thank you for reading my ramblings - I just want people to know if you both want it enough and can find forgiveness (and both recognize the part you both played in the affair) you can truly find a love that you’ve probably never felt before……with somebody you have all that delicious history with. Good luck x

I wish I had known how long it can take to move past the betrayal. I was so frustrated with myself for not "moving on". I knew my husband loved me and wanted to stay together. I wish I had known how long I would be effected by the betrayal. I wish I had let myself grieve. I was hurt but loved my husband so much that I would stifle my feelings to protect him.