Recovery- Will New Circumstances Make It Better?

I once heard that if you put a smart mouse in a maze and put a piece of cheese on the other side of the maze, the mouse will follow its nose until it finds the cheese. If you do this repeatedly and put the cheese in the same place in the maze, eventually the mouse will memorize the course and go straight to the cheese each time. Then, if you move the cheese and place it elsewhere, the mouse will immediately go to the original place expecting to find the cheese. Not finding the cheese, but still able to smell the cheese in the maze, the mouse will go to the beginning and trace the memorized route a few more times before it gives up on the memorized route and begins to search out the new location of the cheese again by smell. Eventually, the mouse will find the cheese’s new hiding spot.

The difference between mice and humans is that mice will eventually search for a new way. Humans however, have a difficult time changing course. In fact, at times I think that maybe Jesus was right when he said that we are a bit like sheep. We do have a tendency to do the same thing over and over and can seem almost incapable of considering the possibility that we need to find another way.

I began thinking about this while reviewing some national statistics on divorce. As of 1999, there were over 110,000,000 married individuals in the United States who still live under the same roof. There are also 1.2 million divorces annually, offsetting the 2.5 million new marriages a year. At the same time, there are also over 1.5 million affairs a year, which doesn’t even reflect the vast number of marriages being impacted by sexual addiction or emotional affairs. The average couple waits over six years to seek help which results in an increased rate of failure for these marriages. This means over 2 million children are also being affected each year by the failure of our marriages.

To me all these numbers reveal an ongoing trend of trying to find answers to problems through the same old means. We believe the root of our problem is our mate, and the answer to our problem lies in finding new and better circumstances. Sadly, this approach doesn’t seem to work very well. While it may seem logical, the end result has been disastrous. This is what led me to conclude that human beings sometimes seem incapable of trying something new. While it may seem that finding a new mate and greener pastures is doing something new, in reality it’s something that has grown very old. Finding new places and people in no way changes the paths we continue to follow. In fact, trying to change circumstances almost guarantees we will repeat the pattern. That approach creates the illusion that something has actually changed when, in reality, we are only repeating our memorized steps through the maze, once again arriving at the same familiar place, but the cheese is gone. Rather then trying to find a new path to the cheese, we only retrace our steps and follow the same path over and over.

This attempt to find our cheese (what we think we want) by changing only our external circumstances, such as location or spouse, is never effective. The only baggage that never ever gets lost in transit is our personal baggage. It always shows up at our new destination. We can change our mate and our circumstances multiple times, but we will always find the same old problems because we ourselves are the common denominator not our mate.

At the Affair Recovery Center, we believe our mate is never our problem, our mate only reveals the problem in us. Finding answers to life’s misery comes from within, not from without. If you have to have the right external circumstances for happiness, then you will be forever frustrated, because that approach will fail to change the very thing on which your happiness truly does depend - you.

Now please don’t hear me saying you need to stay in an unsafe situation. That is a different question entirely. But please do consider that maybe the problem isn’t your circumstances. It might actually be you. Before becoming a statistic and negatively impacting your kids, consider finding a new way through the maze. There are many who would love to share new paths they’ve discovered. Consider joining our mentor network at the Affair Recovery Center or taking one of our online courses. I implore you to stop following the same path and instead to search for a new way through this maze called life.

August 2007